No one noticed

I remember vividly, in my second school, third grade... I was about nine years old, That I started daydreaming about drowning myself by taking a deep breath while I had my head submerged inside a water filled sink... of course it was silly and stupid, then again I was nine so I gave it a pathetic and unnoticed try... 

I failed (obviously) and had to spend the rest of the day in school with my hair and t-shirt soaked. Everyone thinking I had been victim of a swirly... which to be honest would have been less humiliating to myself.

Being that young, suicide was never discussed with anyone... I remember looking down my bedroom window at night (five floors high), and wishing I was brave to enough to jump from it...  but I always found myself stopping hurriedly before the big leap.

I have mixed feelings about this, I truly admire people who do it... but I can’t stand hearing other people thinking about it, I can’t help it, I despise people who feel down and on the edge of killing themselves... its silly… but I can’t be around them. I feel jealous, like if only I was allowed to feel such despair, like only I have the right to do consider such an exit... 

I got some cheap school therapy when I was 11 but after that I just became more and more invisible, no one noticed how sad I was... no one notices how sad I am.

One day in Spanish class I was 17 ... I can’t remember what happened, I was devastated about something... I got my pencil case, withdraw a bistoury... and gently I started slicing my wrists, in the middle of the class... and no one, absolutely no one noticed...

Part of me wanted people to notice, call psychiatrists and save me from the hell I was living... the emptiness was killing me... I was literally bleeding myself out in classes and my room, for a couple of days and none noticed... of course I never got as deep as to cut the artery but there was lot of blood staining my shirt sleeves and no one noticed... and those who did didn’t car,. My close friends noticed but never said a word... and one teacher once saw my wrist and asked me what was going on... I avoided answer and she never talked about it again...

While I debated if should use my invisibility powers for good or evil... the interest on slicing my wrists wore off... because more "important "things were going on...

Now I’m collage... no one notices I suck at journalism and that’s what I’m studying... No one notices I want to be a successful novelist, no one notices I’m 18 and I have never kissed a girl... no one notices I still pray I won’t wake up the next morning... probably no one will notice I notice they don’t notice…

(11 days late)

Portrayal of a Daydream

Now this is stupid, I’ve kept staring and watching him, and sometimes I had the feeling, he was checking me back... I would turn around, and he would look away swiftly and things like that. Eventually, we ended up in separate laboratory classes, and he personally talked to the teacher to take the same one I was in.

Well, I know that doesn’t mean anything... but I got more and more into believing that this apparent interest signals were real, before I knew, I was daydreaming constantly, every second of everyday... about his freckles, and his body and well... not long before I was married to him in my mind. Finally I got to talk to him a couple of words during photography... I was so into him... but of course not five minutes after that, I found myself talking about him to my dear friend Tatiana... I didn’t think she knew him, but then she said that she had noticed him a lot, he kept staring at her…

(9 days late)

Ixtab - Goddess of Suicide

Divinity of Yucatan, today my consolation; Ixtab alleviates my sorrows and encourages me to die without fear. I have naturally embraced the end and have the courage to subdue my fears. How will you feel when you question your life? He will suffer sleepless nights, reluctant to string together his answers ...

"Cortés y Moctezuma" by Hugo Santander

The feet murderer

Oh my god... I know this is very trivial to actually write it, but you can’t imagine the agony I went through today!!!!

I decided it would be nice to sort shoes and wear this very nice elegant pair I never get to use, precisely because of that... I’m not a very elegant person.

Anyway, this shoes, literally peeled the skin out of my talons... the pain was so unbearable... I arrived home nearly crying.... if I was more the person I wanted to be I would have taken them off and walked around in my socks... but no, I stayed in my very stoic philosophy and just limped all the way home... and you think I got chance to take a sit in the “subway" no, no, no, I had to be standing up all the way...

Oh, and cute guy... I finally found out he is just one semester above me, he may be my same age!!!! The problem with the name is still a bit of a challenge but I’m getting there.... hot girl, was also there today, waiting today for the elevator just a couple of inches away from me... I wanted to make eye contact, but she was staring anxiously at the floor.... maybe it was for the best, I suck at making eye contact... they never last long enough to give a kind smile, so you generally end with a very stupid weird grin... on... the world I live in.... 

(3 days late)

Hammer

In my own episode of queer factor, I found myself in the most humiliating position; of having to do craft work with my father.

You know how most fathers are proud how their sons, throw a ball in baseball... well, here it would be how their sons play soccer. But because my father is quite the craftsman instead of a sportsman and I would never be in position where I’ll have to kick a ball in public... doing crafts is the same thing. My father loves fixing building things, table, shelves, beds... and he always wanted me to join him, in his precious hobby. Of course, seeing me use a hammer is quite ludicrous... and disappointing.

So I was yesterday stuck with my father doing these repairs to the computer desk, it’s an old gorgeous wooden rustic secretary desk. During two painful hours I had to hammerer and saw wood, in the most clumsy and pathetic way...

Today I had again, communication theories and stared again to that really cute guy... daydreamed of meeting him and then did new doodle on my notebook margin.... 

(2 days late)

I’m stuck

I’m stuck in a three hour break between classes so I’ll just hang around here and write, I have nothing to do and there’s not enough time to go home and get back here again on time.

As time slowly pass, I stay here bored to death... feeling sorry again for mistakes made long ago. Time is completely still, I sometimes feel I’ve been in this state forever. I was again asked for a paper I didn’t do.... and pretty much everyone must know by now, I’m here just by pure moral obligation.

I don’t know why I am so tired, if actually I haven’t read a single text or wrote a single word for a class. 

It’s waking up so early that’s killing me slowly. I just can’t wake up early, it’s not in me, it makes my system fail, my mind is always tired, my imagination cloudy and my spirits down.

Besides getting up early, it’s unbelievably painful to spend all the boring classes and free time, thinking constantly how much it sucks to be completely alone. With no one to care about, with no one that cares about me. It sucks it really sucks.... and to make it worse, I keep reliving again and again, old acquaintances and I can’t get out of my head… maybe I had been nicer or cooler, I wouldn’t be in such a miserable position.

I need urgently a new notebook, so I have somewhere to take notes of everything I have to do… And a sharpie, so I don’t have to turn the house upside down every time I need to label a cd.

I still have 45 minutes left, so I’ll just keep writing until its time... I wonder if will there ever be day where I’m not going to feel like this and be able to carry a normal life. I will always be sad even when I’m studying, working or doing nothing at all. I was depressed during my 3 month vacation, but what I’m living here back in collage is ten times worse. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a job where I just can stay home all I want and do nothing... I know it sounds like I’m lazy, and maybe that right, but when I’m doing mandatory work, I collapse and start to feel like dying and leaving.

Me being cruel

I was at school, and then something was happening in the main square, everyone had gathered around something and I of course too joined in to see what was going on. In the process I saw this beautiful black haired and freckled boy from school, but he had a big white cowlick of hair.

Then I finally made it to where the people was gathered, I never saw what was going on, but as people started to disperse, I saw Sebastian. He was just standing there, lifting his shirt up to his abs. He was wearing black boxers with a gray waistband. this other boy that was beside him, touched his boxers and asked if he ever wore briefs, and Esteban answered very firmly: "I always wear boxers"Just as he said this, I then took a closer look to his abs, he was still slim and his waist was deliciously tiny, but his skin wasn’t skin… it was smooth and clear, it was rougher and weird, then to realize it was sculpted in wood... then I woke up.

Then I was thinking in my way home, that maybe the reason why I’m alone, is because most people I know, think... that they are ok, I mean, they have been taught all their life’s, that they are ok. that wasn’t my case, my parents were both young and profound persons, that taught me that neither the world nor myself are ok, that things can always be better, that things can be perfect... maybe I’m just to screwed up, maybe I’m damaged, and maybe that’s why I need someone who doesn’t feel so ok, but just as damaged... I need someone who I can be damaged with.

This girl from collage, who I really find very shallow and emotionally impaired, wanted to come to my place after classes. I somehow said that it was ok. But I regretted it almost instantly... all the way from the campus to the -let’s call it- subway, I was thinking rapidly on a way to ditch her on the way.... I know I’m an antisocial bastard, but I just didn’t want her home, I wished someone would call on the cellphone so I could make an excuse; I imagined just pushing her to the train tracks and disappear.... Fortunately, she asked what I was going to do at home, and I very honestly answered: "well, I wanted to get some sleep but...." I didn’t another word until we reached the station.

She must have noticed the look on my face, like if I was being forced to eat a big slug or my rude silence and evil glares at her, or even caught me mouthing "I don’t like you, I hate you, I DONT WANT YOU IN MY HOME!” because she suddenly said good bye and told me she was heading home...

She is what I would call a not very cute and somehow overweight bimbo... so yes I was miserable and antisocial, but I can’t remember being so relieved to be alone.

Anyway, the feeling lasted very little... as the "subway” was packed=  and I stood there for about 25 minutes waiting for a train with at least enough space for me and my clothes and when I finally got in... I had to stand right in front of thief disgusting man; he had a lot of nose hair and a mole on his cheek the size of a memorial coin that too was growing hair on its own.... I feel sick again just remembering....

While trying to keep myself from vomiting, I couldn’t help thinking how this world was indeed damaged.... filled with filthy muggles. But then when leaving the subway the most gorgeous brunette tall and paled skin girl passed beside me....

 Sometimes the world, doesn’t matter how broken, still shows signs of wanting to come back together. 

(1 day late)

Second day

Second day, it’s my second day, and I’m already messing my grades.... man, I suck at this, I’m supposed to read this really long and tedious copies about linguistics... but I spend hours just gazing at them, turning the pages, just hoping somehow I would just know what’s on them by osmosis.

I wasn’t so lonely today, got rid of Daniel in the politest way I could... running away from the classroom before he could catch up.

I miss high school, I can’t believe only 10 months ago, I was able to see so many cute boys running around, but I guess it’s time I just let go of that. There are lovely guys this semester, I spend most of the time during "Organization of the Colombian State" just staring at this cute guy that sat right in front of me, I stared and stared... I dreamed being around him, meeting him, living with him... I’m crazy; fantasizing about someone I’ve only seen one time, in one class, and who I don’t even know his name.

First day

Today it was my first day of classes, and man it sucked; it was again so obvious, that I’m in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. The classes are dull; I don’t feel motivated at all. And to make things work, I have to work all that again to try and make some friends, because, it seems the one I made last semester just forgot about me.

And you know how if you look closely there is always a person more sad and pathetic than you, a person so repulsive it actually gives a boost to your self-esteem. Well that person for me is called Daniel, and to make my day worse, now that my group just vanished, he was stuck besides me all day. I know I’m being cruel, I now I could be a better person than that, but right now I just feel like crap.

I made the wrong decision of going ahead studying journalism.... though I sometimes find it hard to believe I made a decision at all, as far as I recalled, there was never that moment where I made a choice, things just kind of went with the flow. Before I knew the semester was already paid, and without noticing the time to subscribe subject was near.... and here I am, feeling sorry for myself.

(18 days late)