Yunalesca - A public love letter

Sometimes, I have this feeling... you all know how hard is for me to know exactly what I'm feeling. I get this feeling for someone, that I can’t precisely put a name on it. It’s a sense... of vastness... the same sense of vastness that is produced by suddenly lying down on the floor and looking up to the immense celestial vault. It’s all so big; it’s all so magnificent... so out of grasp.

A careful study of scientist through history will result in many of them, if not all of them, reaching to out god when they found themselves at the very edge of their knowledge... they all at some point called upon god, because their understanding of the world was limited... there must be some divine, greater than life, force behind it.

Now, of course it’s easy, if not common, to get this feeling when looking at the stars, the movement of the planets, the tide and waves of the ocean. All of these things... of course produce this overwhelming, tear filling emotion.

However, I dare now say I have found it somewhere else.... and odd place.

Sometime around winter 2007 I went online to a certain forum and search for Yunalesca there. 88 messages he had posted since 2003, a fact that I had quickly forgotten. Almost a year later, I had fallen in love with this very Yunalesca. I fell, in love with the sweet prince. And in certain occasions I had felt this vertiginous feeling I'm talking about inside me when thinking too much about him, or talking to him... yet I think I never dared faced my fear and looked straight at it. I had always took a deep breath and recoiled.

But something happened a week ago. An emotion this big, so vast had been approaching for almost a week.

I know... this sound insane, but I swear I have been having the feeling I'm going to feel something... But that's how it was... I knew it was coming,

When my heart broke oh so very easily with silence... I wondered if I had gone insane. Then, when later something like picking up the phone felt like being spit on the face... I knew it was probably the very end of emotions that was coming near.

Then after almost 12 hours together and not talking and hating and fighting, a single hug erased it all and fixed it all... then when he jumped excited after seeing the batman toys on burger king and when he joined me to buy superwoman... and listened carefully for a story that did not make much sense. Then... I knew it was something spectacular.

I should have seen it coming... when while I was going for a coke while he waited for the sandwich it seemed like an awful distance to be apart from. Should’ve seen it coming, when he and I agreed we wanted the same thing on the food court XD or when we were looking for an exotic dish... and it turned out to be a panzerotti... (I think I cannot think about that situation and smile with all my heart.)

I probably should have known I was going to miss him 24/7 without rest or sleep... when I saw him getting drenched in the park, or how he laughed at me falling down in the fountain (I really did fall down unintentionally) and how incredibly hot he looked switching pants on the Emo store.

I was sure I was going to explode emotionally soon when I was looking straight into his eyes at night, like I did on the ride back home and when you chuckled every time I lost my wallet. And with the surprised eyes you stared at me because I was oh so drunk... and how comfortable his lap was while he played videogames.

And when you looked down to the floor when I saw you wearing you Ben10 boxers in the shower.

Today I went back to this forum... and looked at the 88 messages he had written there. And it hit me.

He. Exists.

He was there before me.

He is there without me...

He is unreachable.

All this messages written long before he came into my life... they are his. Yet I don't know the person who wrote them. I can’t turn back time and meet him... I can’t figure out what was on his head... did he suffer? Was he joyful? Was he happy? Even oddly enough... why do I feel love and care for the words of this being that I did not know back then and do not know right now as he is now only the one I do know.

I once said... it takes a lifetime. To know someone. But it’s not true... it takes more. Not even in all my lifetime will I ever get to know that Yunalesca that wrote and spoke so few before me. It comforts me that I believe in more than one lifetime to know that there will be another one where I can know him completely.

This is probably the weirdest love letter I've ever written. And I say love letter, because of all feelings only love could measure up and proclaim this one I own.

And this is probably a very long dull love letter for everyone indeed, but us. But I don't think I could bear speak to him right now... I don’t think I could lose the knot in my throat, or get a hold of my tears...

On his presence, all so big... so sacred, so divine

What kind of love letter would this be if I didn't say what all love letters attempt to convey?

I love you. 

(10 days late)

Hi, I'm Xag

Hi, I'm Xag; I am 17 years old and live in Colombia. I think I have been depressed since I have memory, I'm an introvert, and I do not excel in any physical or academic activity. I have been feeling 100 years old since I was 10 and I think I can write a great story, which I started writing four years ago, but that by the time of this writing it’s barely on its third chapter.

I believe in three things: God, happiness and magic. Of all of them I doubt of from time to time.

I am a compulsive liar, prone to invent drama in my past. I wanted to be physically abused by my family or my classmates, thing which never happened. I don’t have now or ever had, any friends, and I have never been involved romantically with someone, I suffer from panic attacks when having to face new social situations which include sweat, itching and intense heart beating, especially at the time of having to make a phone call. It depresses me to see boys being happy, blond or in the beach and I love to see them suffer. I do not tolerate animal cruelty, but I encourage it in teens. I feel empathy with serial murderers.

I have suicidal thoughts every day since I have nine years, I've slept with a knife under the pillow just in case and  cut my wrists some times, I’m not sure if a cry for attention or because I really like it.

I hate public speaking, unless I am in a position of authority. I blame society and the misfortune of being surrounded by it for part of my unhappiness, as well as I blame my immediate and extended family. I'm shallow, masochistic and materialistic.

I criticize myself harshly at every action, and I have trouble forgiving my mistakes, specially the insignificant ones. I live with my mom who works two jobs and I'm afraid to be ameinian for the wrong reasons. I panic at the thought of changing for the better, either being improving the way I dress and act or applying for scholarships and contests that could reasonably only benefit me. I'm terrified that to continue living at home until I am 40 years old.

I think I have spoken with God, at a younger age I wondered if I was the reincarnation of Jesus and believed to be a martyr of faith. I remember the time when I was first aware of my existence. I always wanted to experience hallucinations, as well as a variety of other mental illnesses.

I daydream constantly and for long periods of time; it can be about having billions of dollars and all you could buy, or a tragic loss suffered unexpectedly, but mostly is about being confined to a wheelchair for life. (Now I’m obsessed with waking up at age 10, with all the memories I have now, and using them in the past for my advantage)

I have very specific tastes, most are complex stories that take my full attention, and even though most actually embarrass me to disclose in public. I dedicate an absurd amount of time to them. This includes also hours of daydreaming of how would be like to live in those worlds.

I hate giving and receiving gifts, I've always felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I was born to be beautiful, which I am not... I am very ugly. But very rarely I think I have an exhibitionist side.

I am submissive or dominant depending on the relationship you have with the other person. But I am mortified of being trapped in a role... I do not think there is true love for me in this planet, but in my imagination I am married with three others, they are my soul mates.

I like doing things alone, but I find it loneliness intolerable.

Otherwise I think I'm normal, mediocre, stupid and deadly ... and like everyone I believe I'm the most special person in the world.