And I almost ran out of faith...

And I almost ran out of faith... and I almost ran out of love.

The year I took a bus, the year I had sex, the year I fell in love, The year of Len, of josh... and the Prince, the year harry potter ended, the year of the golden compass, the year of my suicide...

I was going to join him and his guys as they have a drink at the Francesa... and it turned out that I not being with them was a relief...

I was going to wait for the prince to teach me about Paul Klee, Andy Warhol, and Marcel Duchamp... I don’t think he really wants me to know... maybe he just think I’m too dumb to understand...

I was going to Play Final Fantasy VII, Zelda... I apparently I’m also to dumb undisciplined for this...

I was going to get him, gunged and slimed....

I was going to go out with him... Daniel and Aiacos, watch them fight... I ruined this... by being myself... he will never let me see them again... god... I was surrounded by people like them my entire school... and never enjoyed it... I wanted to... I just never knew how... I wanted him to teach me how.... I so wanted to have friends... and not feel old... I want to be reckless and immature... tell them about my wedgies, my fetishes... tell them about our sex... I want to fight you in the mud my prince... or at least watch them... but no.... it’s too late and I wrecked it... now they think only awful things about me...

I was going to wait and see if we draw together... he was going to teach me... and I feel I can’t draw anymore...

He was going to explain me about the Surrealist Revolution...

He was going to teach me French, Japanese and Hebrew from him... I don’t even know how was this ever going to happen...

He was going to introduce me to Natalia as she introduced him her new girlfriend... but I somehow convinced him I just don’t know how to have fun... and maybe I don’t...

He was going to teach me about indie rock... He doesn’t share his music... my fault... for handing back a headphone.

We were going to watch shotacon together... and I turned out to be a fucking asexual... uncomfortable to be around with....

We were going to go out and get wet in the rain: he doesn’t enjoy it... he just feels ugly and uncomfortable... I felt old...

We were going to have proper sex... and I apparently have the sexual age of an 8 year old... I don’t watch porn...

We were going to see the golden compass... he hated going to the movies with me...

We were going to play board games with my sisters... he hates playing games...

We were going to take glamour pictures of us... I’m an awful photographer... I disappointed him so badly last time...

We were going to go and see Adolf... I will feel ugly while doing so...

So what exactly the New Year holds for me?

Getting kidnapped to Sweden

Getting a double grad program in Spain

Getting a summer job in the us

This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted

New plans to make and disappoint him... new ways of do self-sabotage... All this is product of me missing him... I miss him to much... it’s starting to hurt me... maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to send me a text message on the cellphone... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to let me be with him on his birthday... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to comment on MySpace... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to want me to join him to wherever he goes... maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to answer my emails (its only polite)... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to push me... and teach me how to enjoy the things he enjoys...

What I really want with this entry is to make all of the said above to happen... not plant it and force it to happen... but just tell the universe... I want this to happen!!! I need this... because I don’t feel like killing myself anymore... I feel like wanting to live... just a little bit...

In wonderland

It’s not a whim...

It not... I'm not... little boy that whines, because life sucks, because no one understands him...

I am losing my mind...

I don't think it’s my secret desire to be special... to feel special , it’s not I'm pretending to be something I'm not.... I'm truly losing my mid... It just stops making sense sometimes, like, if my train of thoughts started going in circles...

it been going on for some times... its stare with me wondering around the house, just walking... people in school used to mention I spoke to myself, this was never intentional, I am never aware of this... but I do. My little sister notices sometimes... she finds it funny...

Lately, it’s been getting worse.

I'm dropping things all over the place... I was the neatest guy ever, it was psychotic... my room now... is a disaster... peopled asks me for things, I hand them something else... I can’t seem to keep a pen with me over a week... I forget to do homework's... I literally forgot the face of my teacher...

I never remember to put the milk back in the fridge... everyone snaps at me.

I find myself asking myself... what I was thinking. What am I doing? What am I saying?

Today the creepiest thing happened... I called the prince on the phone... I just forgot, what I was going to tell him... it took me a while before I started making any sense... he noticed...

Not having the cell phone at hand... also relieves me from the remorse of not calling anyone to say good bye...

I failed again... I know...

but I'm not planning months ahead, it’s just a week... soon it will be days... the I will be planning for tomorrow... and then... then I will make it...

I can kill myself, I can do it....

I can, I can... I can...

See... I'm spinning again? Maybe this is why I can‘t writes a lineal story any more... my book... I can’t seem to focus and tell the story form beginning to end... neither on video... things is becoming increasingly abstract...

I was a very reserved person... now I'm telling the entire class that I'm suicidal, now, I'm showing my half naked boyfriend to the world... I say the most inappropriate things in the library....

I'm so... anguished... so....

I've been writing this entry for a week...

(59 days late)

**Interview**

So for communications class, i got to be interviewed... thought i might post the answers: My first inteview as an author, lol

**Since when and why did you decide to start writing?**

I don't remember exactly... Writing has been something I've done most of my life. I suppose I had a lot to say and nobody to say it to, hence my need to express my feelings in whatever way I found nearest—most of the time, that was a book. The blog officially started in 2002, and that was the turning point for me, where I began to do it with some sort of discipline.

**What kind of writing have you done, and what has inspired you to carry it out?**

I've experimented with various forms: articles, short stories, children's stories, some poetry, prose, and especially inner reflections. I've explored different types of novels—romantic, suspense—a mixture of everything. I wrote what I wanted, what interested me, and what made me happy.

As for my inspiration, I guess it comes from everything that I have not experienced yet. Yes, it's something weird, but I think I experiment with things there that I couldn't live otherwise. Of course, I have based some stuff on experience, but I focus on new realities where you can experience new things or usual things more intensely.

**Which do you feel is your most successful novel, story, or poem?**

What a cruel question... Evaluating self-success is quite different from what society or others consider a success. The writing I received the most praise for was a critical essay on structuralist doctrine. Others have complimented me on an article I published in the school magazine to commemorate its 350th anniversary. For me, undoubtedly, the first chapter of a novella, which has been in production for about three years, seems like the best thing I've written so far, although very few people have read it.

**What have people said about your writings?**

Sharing what you've written can be exciting sometimes because I want people to read it and say, "Wow... I didn't know you could do this." However, this only happened when I was in school. I had teachers who really gave me wings and seemed to believe I had some talent. However, now... there is no longer anyone to show my work to. The system is different; I'm no longer seen as a talented child but as another young hopeful.

**Have you received any awards for your writings?**

Well, no. The truth is, I don't think I've reached the point where my work is worthy of competing with others. I have to polish my style and work on the message I want to convey. Also, an important factor is that most of what I write is in English, so it doesn't really belong to my literary surroundings and therefore is not easy to share with people.

**Name five brief works of yours, mentioning the importance of each.**

1. **The Life and Times of N***** I**s**: The first novel in what I hope will be a long series of novels. I wrote it over three years, and it is a rather complex story that has evolved so much that it is difficult to follow the pace. This book, along with all its sequels, will be the most important work of my life.

2. **Mikey's Torment**: A short story I posted online in a forum. It concerns a child who suffers serious abuse at school. It's a very sad story narrated by the "bad guy," so it's a fairly interesting story for me. It helps me explore the dark side within me.

3. **Metaphorae**: This is my diary, where I have everything I've felt and thought during the last five years or more. It is precious to me. Sometimes I think it needs to be edited and could be material for publication, but I guess all writers feel that way about their work.

4. **The Adventures of Perencejito**: This is what I wrote for my 8-year-old sister and concerns the adventures of Perencejito, a chibolin (this is his kind). It's a work that I have been told could easily be published.

5. **Book of Shadows**: A little project that deals with philosophy and spirituality, which are among my passions. Does magic exist? Does God exist? A small theory is developed from Descartes, the ontological concepts of Heraclitus and Parmenides, and Boolean logic. It is a work full of flaws and mistakes and still lacks a lot, maybe too much, to be read by anyone besides me. But the project is important to me.

Mortal silence

[…]  At about 2:45 am I heard a shotgun. It was like nine, the street in mortal silence. After I got to sleep again I dreamed, I met Cloud 9 again, she was a cute girl form school, I really liked her but I never told her. There I took her hand and told her "If the world would end up tomorrow, I must tell you that I love you, but I wasn't able to tell you before" we hugged for a long time.  […]

(2 days late)

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

 What the hell you think you are doing?

I don’t care for anyone. Only two random people have ever captured my attention in my life and I don’t know any of them. 

I remember being with my dad in the car and one boy came to clean the windows, he was my age 12 or 13 y/o he had this…  look…  in his eyes, like if we both at the same time wished to be in each other’s place. Year later in an hotel pool a rich cute boy also my age (15-16 y/o) was there in the pool looking at the ocean and I saw a something in his eyes in his eyes... he was lonely.

I bought a Wicca book but my mom had my money so she had to buy it for me, now she is at her room looking at it and commenting it with my sisters.

I want to suicide so much... but I can’t, I’m such a coward... I've had that knife in my hand so many times for such a long time but I still don’t. I have someone that I think is worried about me, but that isn’t enough. 

(1 day late)

In the middle of my frustrated fears

In the middle of my frustrated fears

I know this isn't the way I’d like my diary to start but that’s it, I feel awful, my soul is sick and I can’t think straight. I feel like going to vomit again. 

I really screwed it up today, Camilla (previous school acquaintance) called today as she needed to sell some tickets for a party, I was so confused I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want to go so she told me she'd come here to give me the ticket 6$ each. the thing is I feel like a looser, got no style, got acne, have no friends, my room is a mess n' don’t even like my hair.

I couldn’t deal showing up as a looser, so I told the building doorman to tell Camilla that no one was home. of course I thought it was going to be very rude of me so called her back to tell her I wouldn’t go to the party so she wouldn’t bother coming over my house, the thing was that she insisted in coming, so she came over and the watchman told her there was nobody as requested. 

So she called by cellphone here and my sister Alnitak picked up the phone a furious Camilla shouted mad and told her she was a little bitch. I imagined from time to time how it would be when I'd meet my classmates from Tilatá again but I always saw me in a rather better position that O am now. I suffered a lot at Tilatá and in part was because of Camilla, I hate myself and what I’ve become, I hate my lack of courage… my shyness.

I now wish that this day has never begun I want to wake up tomorrow and be Monday morning again so I can do it all over again. Right.

(84 days late)

My ego

I had previously been publishing all this online (my ego!). But now I’m back to the privacy of myself. 

I think it is my duty to inform you that since I was born I have had difficulty relating to other people, mainly because of my eccentricities and behavior, for this reason I have not managed to have the opportunity to meet a single true friend in my life.

I studied in the Tilatá school, behind the western mountains, but for some reason I could not relate to people there. Tired and desperate a change of school came into my life a bit over three years ago.

The change brought both good and hard truths. I first realized that my behavior and way of life, it’s indeed very strange for my peers. But not everything is bad I was able to relate with some other freaks and even identify them as my real friends (for a while)... But life takes hard hits on me and I could not dodge all my misfortune. They turned against me for some undisclosed reason, from one day to another. To the point of having me become my now sworn enemies or taking disgust of my mere presence. Fortunately though I fell back on my feet and managed one of them continues to be a regular acquaintance.

It turns out also, I have a terrible memory, and before I start writing always put the keywords on the topics I want to discuss so avoid that something escapes me. But in time these words lose their meaning as I delve into my writing...  you might occasionally find random words scribble about. I hope you understand. 

I did not have to turn to any hidden powers against Obsidian. Thing I considered after our last encounter, so my karma is rather safe. Obsidian apologized, and I did not offend him further. Peace seems to work, with time, patience and endurance, but it works.

I quit going to IT and Programming courses, I think its best, it might mean I will not do anything with my life, no traveling abroad not anything... but for now I am content to find what is it, it makes me happy.... Yeah right? That's big lie, I feel like I am a failure and with luck I'll make it is a waiter someday. I fight with Valdes; he is sadistic and cruel, besides hates me because I am not very smart. We visited the girls at the Christ King, and surprisingly it was very ... hot? I flirted with a girl just as we came in... But my introversion not allowed me to go much further as to actually changing email addresses... plus people around me where weighing me down, so I ended up feeling like a loser, an imbecile. This day will bring me nightmares, I just want to meet girls and fuck, and then I want to meet someone special.

(22 days late)

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)

Well...

Well... long story short, today something expected happened but I was somewhat disappointed, I finally got ​​Obsidian to wedgie me, it wasn’t bad at all, and was quite exciting... however my feelings when I stepped down the bus and got home today were not nice, something I did not like... But I'm going to do something, which I'm sure I'll regret it, I'll tell Obsidiana to go for it and humiliate without restrains, more ice, water, he can play with matches, destroy my clothes... he will be able to do everything and leave me completely trashed.

(4 days late)

Who is that other part of my soul and where is it? Where to find it? Every time I see my "friends" I see them more and more different to me.  I know they are supposed to be different from me, It doesn’t make sense to have someone just like me as a best friend...  if it did then it would suffice to be alone. I know he or she must be different… but I crave for someone to agree with me on things that I find essential… I yearnfor someone sincere, friendly, somewhat forward with things, someone to push me to do things and someone I can push to do others, we must share pleasures, be a bit crazy, support me and not criticize me, both defend me and need my help ... it’s more difficult for me to see the difference between friendship and love than it is for other. Is it perhaps the same thing except it includes is a sick dependence on closer physical contact? I could never expect anyone to touch me. I’m too ugly for that.
I thought your best friend has always been there for you... But it’s been lifetime for me and mine does not show up. People I meet do not understand friendships as I do. They simply end up hating me, ignoring me or disappearing...
I know I am the problem. I am certainly mad, a person who is supposedly in search of better things, but that at any hardship finds refuge in an invented world, where everything is perfect, and you can forget about everything else. How much I’d like for that world to be real, and how much more I would like to forget it so I could concentrate in this life and make it better.
But I can’t it’s so nice to be there, my desmænok, my personal paradise for when I die. This idea gave birth to Xag. The person I am and the person I am not at the same time. An ideal me, as I want to be and what I am right now. Living the life I wish to live most, one full of adventures and friends. In the desmaenok, He has three very special friends, whom I now call Joshua , his best friend, Nikolas (his girlfriend) and another one. One I have not yet imagined
There, as cliched and childish as it sounds the world is where all things I've dreamed of are true. I'm a witch, a famous artist and performer, a fugitive from justice, an adventurer, a boy of 10 one day, 14 the day after and 12 the next, beautiful.
Why Xag? Who is Xag?
When I think about my happiness, my joy, my true sorrows, my ideals, my fantasies, my ultimate self, my power, my weakness, my love, my fears, my evolution… Xag is 'it'. Xag is who I really am, Xag I who I want to achieve. Xag is my reality, my past and my goal. Xag is my true name. Xag is the word that calls upon my true self. People use nicknames to protect their identities, they wish to be someone they are not… and that’s sad, but credible. Xag It’s a nickname for all to see that shows who I really am but nobody knows. Only people that know me call me Xag. Only people that have seen more that the awkward little fag that barely speaks and sits alone to read and write… know of Xag.
Xag is happy as he is sad. He is in balance; he is as satisfied as eager to learn, an adventurer and a great host. He smiles only when he feels like smiling, he cries only when he feels like crying. He is transparent, honest… a liar only when it benefits others. He is in love with life, with death, nothing is strange to him, and everything is jfun. He is so unlike me really, Xag is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, stop being himself for others… give up his will for others to find who they really are, Xag is willing to make mistakes to show others who they really are. That’s why Xag… that’s why I, keep posting my most intimate thoughts and secrets online. I’m trying to give... When you call up on my name, my true name, you are calling this creature I so desperately want to be, I so insanely think I am, that so painfully I’ve been. Yes… I made a character out of myself. I had never put into words quiet like that… I made a movie out of my life an existence… but that’s not how the world I live on works… I know that. It hurts. God it hurts, in every level. Physically… it hurts, aesthetically, ethically, morally, scientifically, socially, humanly, spiritually, magically… its hurts in every way. I open my eyes and see, hear and feel that all my words, actions and emotions… just don’t fit, in this place, in this world… I was just never meant for this world…
Perhaps I have created him/me to get rid of all those things that mortify me, He does everything that I can't do, I can't run away from home… it would be very complicated...
I’ll never finish my course of witchcraft, I cannot reveal myself to anyone, and I can't rebel myself against anything…

(2 days late)

I have wanted to run away from home...

I have wanted to run away from home...  since in some ill-fated English class we had to read: “From the Mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”

I want to leave home and get to know who I am, solve a puzzle that bothers me so much…

Am I magical or not?

I spend a lot of my free time planning my escape. Thinking about how I am going to survive, how I’m going to pay for my adventure, what I should take and other stuff. Sometimes I choose Alnitak to go with me; she has always been in my head when I think in brother-sister adventure.

I plan on getting a compass and a tunic besides other stuff. I dream of taking my Book of shadows and go windows shopping for all this stuff as I try and make up my mind as of where I am going.

(5 days late)

Getting him to willingly kiss my shoes

Sorry, I have not written in so long, but I just could not find the time or the desire to do so, I had so  much to write about and now I only want to say that lately I've been getting my way with a lot of things, wedgies, melvins, ripping his shirt, get him almost naked and even getting him to willingly kiss my shoes. There is always this fear; scaring the hell out of me... it’s no laughing matter.

(25 days late)

Heating socks

It’s nine in the evening listening to Britney and heating my socks on the lamp (It’s so cold!!!). This is not turning out right, Every day I think about it that it fascinates me to see boys with their young bodies all bruised, pants off, crying in the backyard with their underwear up to their shoulders. Like if there wasn't anything else to me...  I read  about breaking the routine and I am craving.

(22 days late)

From what I've seen I would like him (my bully) to value me a little. where he forces me to do his homework and throws dirt at me through my window and makes me do things that I don’ t want to do, things i am too scared to do.

He pushes me all the time but, he cares for me as his special irreplaceable subject to abuse. I want it to be hardcore... real punches, excessive public humiliation, wedgies, swirlies, pantsings, public stripping, kegging, spitting, stuffing things inside my underwear, i day dream he drags me around the school, plays games with me, like I'm a ragdoll or puppy... plus all the shit  Obsidiana gets at school.

(5 days late)

Today I had an extended family reunion...

Today I had an extended family reunion... I hated it so much. It is not that I hate my family, it's just that they don't make me feel good about myself; it’s been like that for a long time.
My school life is dull, but today I reached Obsidiana and asked him to take me some photos with wet clothes, I just have to find one day where I'm home alone and plan each one of the 24 pictures I got to take.

How could it?

As far as I know my life is not very different from anyone else’s and to be honest a bit on the boring side in comparison. No girlfriend or boyfriend or anything of the sort, not a great deal of friends or a hobby or innate talent. No way with words or images. However, we can start by saying that my life could have been interesting and that it could have been much… more.
How could it?
Maybe it could if I had stopped telling lies, I had been able to reach a stable relationship with another human being, if I had quit being self-conscious and unable to fit anywhere. It’s funny I don’t blame lack of money, or my parents… I know all this ‘ifs’ were up to me, and me alone.
Not long ago I found out that what I do best is daydream, but these daydreams are not shared with anyone. I can’t even bring myself to make them stories to share here. So I plan to leave a record of my life as I keep daydreaming. What I write here, is going to be as honest I can make it be, no camouflages or lies… Because with all these dreams have led to lies, and subsequently led to not having anything real.  I can’t keep lying… hopefully people affected by these turn of events forgive me.

(81 days late)