It’s in the rain

Today I have just been smiling for no reason.

Bubble gum, chocolate and strawberry ice cream on my banana split: P he thought it was sweet... I thought we were bordering a diabetic coma. His brownie was yummy... and besides that mocha. I guess that added to one the best nights in my life. No kidding. They say eating chocolate releases serotonin, it’s in a way like having sex... add chocolate to actual sex; it’s bound to be orgasmic.

I've been doing... pretty much nothing all day... procrastinating... I hate homework....mainly reviving what happened Friday.... six months since I met the Prince Rabbit. It’s odd, how we celebrate the day we met and not the day I actually asked him to be my boyfriend. I guess I asked too late... I was already way to in love with him... you see, I loved him before I met him. Meeting him is what's important...

Right now, I'm so scared; feel like just cuddling inside my bed, and sleep. Because I don't know if I can feel this happy without getting seriously hurt. I'm doing well in school, I have Len, cool people I talk to, hot Emo boys adding me on MySpace, a decent visit ration YouTube, the batman movie is coming, and I lost weight... I can lose more... I need to exercise.

I'm just so really tired... and I've been trying to write this entry for three days... I wanted to convey how magical it was, how erotic, how amazing... how perfect... Maybe it because I'm tired, that feel like not seeing the prince again... what's left besides that? 

You see... there a big part of love that seems to consist of pushing, giving little nudges and dragging along... just kind of forcing someone into doing crazy, but memorable things... that you know, they will treasure after... then again... 

So we went on to buy boxers as a celebration... we bought the cutest pink and purple ones XD ((pix will be coming soon))

We walked for a good while talking, by the time it was already dark, there was this tiny little fountain besides... we got soaked! It was so much fun! The chilling water... the shiny jeans, sparkling. It was in a way the best way to say good bye to my wet love. Nothing can top that. It’s just a shame there wasn't camera we could use... because god, it was amazing.

It hurts that my suicide thoughts are not gone after all of what's happened... they might never really disappear until I am finally done with it. That's my cross to bear. I am better than suicide... or so I try to be.

(29 days late)

666-666-DEATH

Suicide Commercial

 http://www.funs.co.uk/comic/22.html

I think we all admire heroes for some reason...

I think we all admire heroes for some reason...Sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their goodness.But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.

So desperately, we read comics, watch westerns, get involved in politics, read biographies of long lost artists...

And then, we create these heroes out of the people we know, we make them out of our families... our lovers...

We . . . all look and expect for someone, to reach out, understand us, and save us...

The Question is... from what?

From fears that keep us from our dreams...

From loneliness. . .

From boredom...

From routine...

From our mistakes...

We hoped, once this hero knocked on our door...

Fear of speaking on the phone would disappear

The need to find company online would vanish...

We would create amazing things with watercolors any random day...

The vice of writing and prostituting our emotions and thoughts online would be overshadowed by sharing every cute thought and word with the one we loved...

We supposedly befriend and love others, because they make us better people

HOW AM I BETTER?

My fears have grown. . .

I don't have it in me to kiss someone on the street...

I fear not touching the right way the Person I love...

I dare not write another word for my book, I fear using paint and brush.

I am now bored at reading my beloved books,

I am now bored when watching TV

I am now bored on the pc

I am most bored when doing a vid

And I delve into new hideous routines

Routine where I speak of my relationships and dreams with others, instead of our own.

Routine of me bringing up suicide on the least opportune moments,

Of being disillusioned at every new attempt...

Of me rejecting every facet of his life when I get the chance...

And mistakes, I've made all the mistakes

The ones in every don’ts list and every in the do's list

I keep making my old mistakes

Self-sabotaging, shying, lying

And knowing all this, and saying it here, makes me feel ever more...

lonely... because that’s the reason I can’t trust... anyone... or I enjoy being a martyr or something... but right now, I feel like the loneliest being in the world, even when he is there by my side. Because don’t trust stuff. I don’t want to trust... because whatever he would say back would be so wrong... and the breach I established between us is now to big…

(4 days late)