Take a deep breath…

Take a deep breath… I said I had never been satisfied about anything with my life… well I’m just happy I met the prince… it was great… he showed me that there’s like people worth living for… that there are in fact people hat make the world a special place by just being in it… 

How often you come across people that make you feel better than what you think you are? How many people come along and make you feel you might be remotely valuable to someone? 

… he has been offline for 3 days now… today (this is going to be so embarrassing to say) I repeated his voice mail message on my cellphone , over and over till the battery died… every time I listened to it, its meaning varied… was he satisfied? Tired? Was he sad? Was he disappointed? Was he fed up? why did he call?.. Did feel he had to do it? did he wanted to? Was that simple calling a way of saying goodbye? I keep replaying our date on my head… sometimes I think it went great… sometimes I think it had to be the worst thing for him ever…when I judge it by my actions, when I dated Daniel (the really bad two dates) I lied a lot to Daniel to try to make him feel comfortable… I’m afraid he did the same thing to me, I said awful things… he said the most wonderful… I just was so focused trying to hide the cuts on my wrists while we ate… now I have the urge to cut more. I wouldn’t blame him; maybe I was his bad date… He did say he was a detached person.

I don’t dare try calling him on his cellphone … I don’t even know if it is his… I’m not that desperate… mmmm… ok maybe I am a little… probably, the biggest act of self-sabotage is this… writing this, because I know he’ll read it (hiya!!^^) … but all I think of is him… and I don’t know if that’s good or bad… but I just need to let it out somewhere… here… in the screaming room…

 I just hoped through the day as a voting juror he would show up... for some reason… it was… so… psychotic… so pathetic…. I’m so damaged and despaired… I try to keep myself from just calling him and telling him all those things… damn phone phobia!

I never thought I could be like this, thinking about someone for such long periods of time… I just like… I want to be with him…. god

I don’t even know him… I spoke to him once, this is sick… this is… self-sabotage… I’m tired of sabotaging myself; I’m my worst enemy… I don’t know if I want to be with him or be him… or maybe a bit of both… I am just so  incredibly happy I actually met him… even if it was just to see him once… and also I’m in so much pain now after (the good kind)… I feel so alive… all thanks to him… to him… I have to visit some historic places and museum here in Bogotá… I mailed him asking him to come… if he doesn’t… well… I can always ask Ana to come, I really wish he does… but again, I’m too scared to just call … me and my damn phone phobia…

I promised myself I wouldn't be … well… me…

I promised myself, I wouldn't be … well… me… That I'll stay alive till I passed the original Pokémon green for GB and capture Mew. I wouldn't commit suicide till Year seven of the harry potter seven arrived, I promised myself that I would get one cool haircut in my life, that I would not care about what people think or say. 

I'm going to try to keep my word on that last one. 

I got this on my mail today:

E-mail: holly_nin@yahoo.com   <Omar Eduardo Arango "Quiñones">

Comment:   Dear fag...oops I mean Xag:   First of all, allow me ask u something: have u no life, no friends (I mean normal friends) no nothing??...Oh wait a sec, I guess u do have something: NO SHAME WHATSOEVER for being who u are and doing the most pathetic work there has yet to be done. As a classmate on "taller de television" I've got to say I was kind of disturbed by your presence and your horrifying lack of fashion. And the hair, something to kill yourself for!!   One more thing before living this hideous site, PLEASE DON'T EVER POST VIDEOS WHERE U TELL THE WORLD YOU'RE STUDYING AT UNIVERSITY SERGIO ARBOLEDA, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING FOR US BIG TIME!!!   On behave of everybody who's NOT A FREAK LIKE U, thanks for the chance of posting this comment and please do try to not leave your house from time to time so people don't get traumatized by your looks.   Take good care of yourself.   

Sincerely   

Not a fan of your shity work AT ALL.

No more videos. 

(12 days late)

I saw Nicolas today... he seems happy, he looks cool.... unlike me.

(5 days late)

Loneliness

I was 16 months in my first school, 72 months in my second school, another 10 months in my third school and another 60 in my last school... plus the 4 months I’ve been in collage

All these are a bunch of 162 months or about 4860 days of sharing with people about 8 hours a day, every week day for more than 10 years. Want to know how many friends I’ve made?

None.

(38 days late)

I got the need to lie, and I end up making up a story to someone I appreciate

I got the need to lie, and I end up making up a story to someone I appreciate, I told him the story about Obsidian and me, but like if I was the victim. I hate myself for doing that, I continue lying even when I promised I wouldn’t do it anymore… it’s sick.

Miscellaneous reflections

Who says what craziness is? To believe you are not crazy is just crazy, and to believe you are capable of deciding who is crazy and who is not, is craziness itself.

To judge without knowledge, isn’t it the worst crime?

“The real cool thing about writing is that I can say whatever I want” – Grace manning

Why can’t I do whatever I want?

Why I am a prisoner of myself?

Why I am not happy?

The problem resides in the human nature of placing limits to absolutely everything; we are filled of yes’s and no’s, dos and don’ts, good and bad.

“There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it….”

I’m such a looser, now with no computer I have so much to say … but I’m just totally blocked

What kind of person am I? What kind of person will I become? 

“Have you ever found out yourself being a much horrible person than what you really are?” 

How do I get to magic? 

I can’t believe myself asking this question, I mean, I was supposed to be the magic one. 

Who am I anyway? Does anyone really know me? Why I am not happy? Why I am not magical? Why am I, not me? Where is my heart? Am I free? Am I in hell? You know what? 

Now it turns out all we learned at school during the years before is going to be actually useful?

 I just don’t want to think anymore. 

I wish I would never go back home. 

(9 days late)

I’m sorry I have not being updating recently

I’m sorry I have not being updating recently, I just feel empty.

I’m sure is just part of my neurosis and hidden wishes of being totally unhappy. I just don’t want to go to school again, I know it sounds like a little kid, but I got a bad feeling about it... (.)

(22 days late)