Get wet out in the rain . . . bad idea

So I take one Last chance and get him to get wet out in the rain . . . bad idea. 

I’m tired of pushing so I'm seeing my boyfriend, once a week, tops. So what do I do? Convince myself. When he is not around, that we just aren't meant to be together.

I'm even avoiding him. Didn’t let him join me for TV class, or see him on Saturday when he is sick.

He seems Un-aware of this.

We haven't discussed batman or the music I Shared with him. Or Peter Pan. Or my script for my new video, or wedgies or slime, or mud. Or him coming out to his Sister. Or my childhood traumas or his comics.

(27 days late)

I felt old.

I felt old. I fell a million years old. I saw a spark of youth I have never experienced. A naïve-ness that’s in some way repulsive… I realized… that it’s important how I look in the eyes of the prince. I won’t smoke in front of you.

I realized that I need a life away from him…

 What’s wrong....your blog was so sad???

 And I think you're beautiful

Well, thanks I've been in this mood for a while

I know exactly how you fee. I honestly do...but I think you're beautiful inside and out

It’s not a come on and I'm not into cheap flattery

And yes....I agree with your link between art beauty and sadness

But its sadness that breeds both art and beauty...so without sadness we wouldn't appreciate anything beautiful

And if we didn't experience sadness we couldn't create anything beautiful or artistic

And I think your graphics are beautiful'

Your words are beautiful and poetic

Your sensitivity that makes you so sad is the same sensitivity that lends you the perspective which allows you to write so beautifully

It’s a double edged sword

Your gifts come with a price

Just like every superhero story

This is from one sad sensitive writer to another

Xag: I had never known someone who had actually read what I write there. I don't know what to say ^^. Thanks.

Believe me I understand

The sadness

 The consuming depression

you look everywhere and see injustice, sadness, misery...and it's not fair, and you can't change it...and you think "I can’t continue on like this"...you feel like no one else sees it and you think why go on in this world...where nothing is fair...where beauty is fleeting and nothing matters anyway since it will end one day anyway

 And you think you want to just stop being sad by hurting yourself

But if you do that you'd just be contributing to the sadness and the violence of the world

and you wouldn't be able to create anything beautiful that might one day give solace to another suffering kid....the eighteen year old kid 20 years from now who needs to spend every night on the web just to escape wherever he is

Let me venture some guesses

You think it’s unfair that there are prescribed limitations and expectations based on your gender

You don't understand why you attract any extra attention if you wear a girl's tee...and you don’t understand why some guys wear baggy clothes that hide their bodies when they actually have really good bodies

You think it's unfair that anyone with a sexual fetish or preference other than the usual is looked at any differently or that anyone cares about such things one way or the other

You don't understand why heterosexuals are threatened or nervous around queer people

 You accept diversity and differences in everyone around you and you don't get why everyone else doesn't

How am I doing so far?

You are actually scaring me little bit

 Lol why

It is pretty, pretty accurate

He he...sorry...I kind ranted there for a bit...

I just told you

 I completely understand you

Because I'm EXACTLY the same way

 You’re adorable

I understand you so well...do you feel let down by people a lot cause you feel like you care a lot more about them then they care about you?

Yeah I do feel like that sometimes... but I also feel I'm so selfish for expecting people to care...

Exactly...so you alternate between feeling guilty and feeling let down?

Xag: exactly

Coming out.

I like told my mom about The Prince Rabbit, and was pretty much uneventful. She actually was kind of … I don’t know… but we haven’t talked about it yet… I’m afraid the prince might become a taboo subject, especially now since I really need to get out and buy him a Xmas/Birthday present and I am like totally broke… and will probably have to ask her for money. Mm… I need money for my bf, you know the one I told you about and you said I should kiss when no one is around…

[2 days late]

A Xag-less week

A Xag-less week and I'm not feeling good.My face is still swollen and it hurts...yesterday I got a fever; they almost take me to urgencies. I may have an infection. I had to lie down yesterday...If don't improve; they're going to have to take to the hospital...I miss Xag terribly...I feel SO alone without him...what are you doing?What are you planning?What are you thinking?How are you feeling?Now that I think about it... December 23d seems SO far away....very, very far...I already feel like I stop seeing him for a month...time's funnyNot reading his blog is going to be the toughest test ever...I don't know if I can make it...we were supposed to do a lot of things...take a shower again, have sex, go and get wet in the rain, take glamour pictures of us, go and see Adolf, we were going to see Beowulf, he was going to join me to get a haircut, he was going to explain me how to dye my hair, I was going to spend the night at his house, we were going to go out with my friends, go out with his friends....I practically made my whole holiday vacation thinking I was going to do all that stuff with him. It seems so awkwardly interrupted...like in the first month I got suspended from seeing him...I miss him alreadyThis "break up" it’s so unnecessary...when I became his boyfriend (even before that) I assumed all his problems, his traumas, his videos...I love him that way, he's not hurting me with the way he is. I even accepted the fact that he's going to die someday, I listened to his motivations and I'm trying to harvest the sad and cruel idea that he's going to kill himself someday...but even with that, I love him...I like him the way he is...all of him...If you have problems I'll be there to help you, If you're crying you can have my shoulder, If you're alone I'm here to hug you, If you're hurt I'll lick your wounds, If you're dry you can kiss me, If you're cold you can have my body, If your soul is broken you can have mine...I'm here, I'm here for you.I'm not josh...I'm old enough to know the consequences...I won't cut myself in front of you...I know we need to be together, doesn't matter how hurt or "broken" you are...I need you. I just want to see you one more time...I LOVE YOUI LOVE YOU XAGwhat are you doing Hun?

I'm in love

I'm in love I don't know how it happened, but today I knew it more than ever....I felt it more than ever...I've never EVER cried like that...for love...I just keep revisiting my romantic life trying to remember a moment that resembles the profound and powerful feeling I felt today when Xag broke up with me.I cried when Maria Camilla said I was ugly and I dressed bad on 4th grade (I was 9)I cried when, very dramatically, Chajín revealed that I was "gay" and that I liked Nicolas (Nicolas was there, I was 12) I cried of regret when I realized I hurt a naive 11/12 year old making him believe a hot older girl was in love with him(14)I cried when I realized I was old and ugly enough to make the prettiest boy in school, declare his love for me(16)Today I cried for love...because I'm truly in love with Xag. There wasn't a random tear like the other times...I felt something inside, something that made me...feel...I'm still crying and it hurts...but GOD, I'm crying for love...(cheesiest thing I've ever said) but what the HELL its true!, I'm in love bitches! And it feels amazing...Today, Xag made the noblest thing someone could ever do. It's so amazing I can't even believe it...Let's suppose that I'm as good as he says I am....He was willing to give up the "most precious thing in the whole wide world" just because he didn't feel he deserved it...how come? he thought that he would make me suffer, that I'll be better off with him...now tell me what person in the world is willing to sacrifice the most precious thing in the world just because the sake of it?...I have no words...Hun, I feel humble in front of you, and I feel I'm the happiest person on earth because I found you.god...crying makes you feel tired and sleepy...my face is all sticky and I have Goosebumps...every time I try to show Xag something about me, there's problems....either because he can't believe it and becomes overwhelmed or because he discovers that I want something else...What do I have to show him to believe me...I'm not making a charity job...I don't feel sorry about him...I LOVE HIM DAMN IT....as I've never loved someone before...I have flaws...my mistake maybe was not showing myself to him when I was most hurt on Monday...It was for my sanity...for my mental health...I´ll try to use this blog to expose my traumas...I think I've said them all but I'll try and dig deep into them, and show Xag that they don't hurt anymorethere's so many things I'd like to say right now....but I just can't I'm so tired....I still have to cry a little more...I miss him so much right nowI'll complete this entry later, don't take it’s finished..

I came to that realization early this year...It was my motto. I picked it from an Art history class; my teacher said that it was one of Andy Warhol's catchphrases. To understand Warhol is to understand contemporary culture, consumes, the culture of the image. "He was a very vulnerable person" my teacher said. "That's why he used a hairpiece and speak funny", added. Warhol is the incarnation of "pop"; he made a celebrity out of himself, a lie that everyone was comfortable with. Just like those prefabricated boy bands, contemporary divas, sodas and products.In a moment, I realized I was just like any of those. "The Prince" is the smartest boy in college, he is so noble, so pure, well behaved, gentle, responsible, talented...That's the way most people see me. That's my "alternate" identity.I started questioning myself after a huge creative dry I had at the beginning of the year. I didn't feel smart, talented, responsible...The idea of "The Prince" collapsed...well, at least just for me. But at some point, I stopped caring about it. Do I have to live up to that idea? Why it is wrong that people sees you in a way that you're not? Who’s the real one? I always say: as long as none gets hurt, there's no problem with it.It's not like I act out...or tell lies...When I was at genius school they said that intelligence is an "intended adaptive capacity" and I think I've taken that definition to build my relationships with the world. It works for me...Now that I remember, it was that Warhol period one of the main reasons I ended up in vampire freaks, to create an idea of myself, to make the pictures say something for me that I can't say. I am SO not being fake with Xag, but I'm just not used to open up to other people. I'm just afraid that after discovering me, they have me at their hands...and that way they have a right to reject me. Something like it happened with my female friends at college I told them some of my most important things, I told one of them that I am BL, but at the next day...it was like nothing...they didn't deserve to know, I'm regret. (Bitches)More than anyone on this earth, Xag deserves to know how I am... 

The Prince's Strategy

When he read me his blog... I cried... he saw me cry. I don’t think I cried that much in front of anyone... I cry a lot by myself... I like that about going to the movies... no one notices you are crying. That’s what I like about rain... no one notice I’m crying... I like that about the shower... no one notices you are crying

I told the prince... since I met him, I cry every time I take a shower... I think I failed at explaining why...

It’s because I can’t be better for him... I see myself, and think... "Be the person he wants you to be"... and I can’t...

I spoke to Cloud 9... through face book... in some way she is much more relevant than any other of my crushes... because she is the reason I love girls... she is the first... she was my first crush... I was always so scared of her... just such a kid... I talked to her, told her what I felt... shared my life...I said. "It sucks. Yours?"... She hasn’t replied... maybe she just has perfect life...

I had my first clothed shower with someone. I basically pushed him to it... I think he liked it... I still have to get him wet properly... but all in its due time... I took a shower with a guy!!! A hot guy!!! Oh my god... it was so fun!!! I need to write about it, because I don’t want to forget about it... he wore his shirt and his boxers... awesome boxers... his white shirt was see through... he is so beautifully skinny... it was so freaking hot!!! I like being turned on by him... I loved it. I know it sounds such Virgo of me... but god that was so intimate... I felt like gosh... so close. I like simple things... I like staring at him hugging him... 

A Satanic Age Origins

My love is not stupid... no... I’m not stupidly in love... if I was maybe I would be foolish enough to think I could overcome all of my problems and just swim my way to the shore see the stars just because I’m in love... and god I am in love,... in two moths.. So fast... so fast I feel in love...

I’m counting the seconds till the prince will say I have to die... because he is not stupid in love either... he will sooner rather than later realize that my death is the path... those sweet words will be farewell to this world. Of course... I will not tell him this.

(1 day late)

For some reason I feel I have more skills drawing than writing; I think I'm more eloquent that way. When I have something to say or express I think I'm not very good with words. But I'm going to try this time because I think I need to. Not only now I have things to say, but I want to say them, and now I may have someone to listen. 

I'm in a war. A war I have to win.

If I win he lives and I'm happy

If HE wins...he dies...

Things are not being easy; my rival has been prepared to win long time before he was my rival. He has his entire weaponry ready, his army, and is determined to win. I think I may have damaged his defenses a little bit, but I still feel I'm not winning.

Xag...he says he knows how his story is going to end...he dies, he says. But I have a problem with that, in my story, he doesn't. He wants to forget who he is, to start all over again...he is not happy with himself...

Every time he talks there's a deep, profound feeling of sadness, frustration, and desperation. His voice is like a little cry that brakes inside his throat and turns into words. It’s just tears my soul carving into his insides and discover all that pain he's been carrying and not being able to do something to cure it.

I just want to tell him that everything is going to be okay, that everything will be fine...and I have, but it just doesn't seem enough for him. He's decided. He's been so used to feel pain for so long that seeing another way seems impossible for him. I think he's afraid of not feeling it, afraid to lose his pain...I don’t know...He has made his mind.

It makes me so sad...because I want him...I need him. He doesn't realize how much, but I do, I DO need him. He keeps thinking I'm some kind of superman, a "Prince", and that keeps him away from me...I think he knows that I'm not any of those things...that I'm just a kid...a 6 year old that shit his pants in first grade, a 9 year old rejected for being ugly, a shy 11 year old being teased at for being girly, a fragile 12 year old that cries in front of everyone for having revealed that he likes boys, a 14 year old that's expelled from a school of weirdoes for being weirder than the rest of them, a frustrated 16 year old want to be artist, a 19 year who's frustrated for not being young enough...

We're not that different...actually, I think we have very similar experiences. I DON’T KNOW, maybe he has made up his mind already, maybe he's meant to leave...he just doesn't want to admit it so he won't hurt me...I just don't want that to happen. He's so cute, lovable, smart, funny, creative...God, please no...Don’t take him away....what do you need Xag? What can I do to make you happy? Just surrender and let me win...

This journal... is an addiction.

This journal... is an addiction.

And it’s hurting me.... I’m an emotional nympho... I’m a shameless punk...

I stop myself from being with the people that make me happy so I have time to write... I procrastinate; I even disclose private secret personal information from those around me... I hurt people.

This journal has to end.

I have a problem, that I can only confide in a machine... and then share everything with the world.

This is how it ends... in pain... in deceit... in utter disappointment... no pretty words... no dramatic metaphors... this is how it goes...

But why am I paralyzed waiting?

But why am I paralyzed waiting?

 Why don’t I move...? 

I’m broken, paralyzed from the waist down. I can’t move, I’m in the floor trying to do what’s impossible... but above all, I’m terrorized. I’m so horrified by my situation... the fear is so deep so intense... my mind is shredding to pieces.

One little rejection and I stumble... one small misunderstanding and I crumble.

I feel my mind like a soap bubble... floating... recklessly through the streets, unnoticed... just waiting to burst when it runs into something...

Why do I hate my words so much? 

Why do my actions seem so repulsive when I see them as mine...? 

Why do I hate myself so deeply, I feel nauseous every morning in the mirror?

 My will power is rotten; the fear has corroded it with time.

As I can barely function, I’ve become separated from the world. people walk, go places, stay home, work, study, fall in love, out of love, hate, marry, have kids, make poor decisions, love, become rich, fall in bankruptcy, start their lives over, go back to live with their moms, go to art classes, have orgies in foreign cities. They kiss, spit, hug and vomit. They all have lives.

As time passes I feel my behavior becoming more and more erratic... I am unable to say basic things... make my sentences coherent... but I’m not aware... only the other night as went to the bathroom to cut myself... I sank. In exhaustion. I am losing my mind, my emotions are toxic, and my gods are delusions... I even doubted if the prince was real or not... could have I made him up? I’m crossing the line into madness... slowly...

This is what happens to minds that are in world they don’t belong. A world lacking of experiences of life, of beauty, of sanity.

(1 day late)

Violently reconquering myself

 

“If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself, but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.”

― Antonin Artaud

You can't do that on tv

"Three men in a television studio sit in front of a camera receive a loaded gun and begin to be confronted by the nonsensical, futility and absurdity of their lives, in the end the one who does not shoot himself is wins a fridge."- Chuck Barris

You would think

You would think that I would write pages and pages about my date with the prince... I could, there’s so much to say, so many stupid details that acquire such a big importance, so many amazing realities that I swear make my heart jump.... so many little truths and so many big ideas.... however I just want to tell all of this to him and just to him. I just can’t get over the fact that he is... real.

(1 day late)

Right now...

Right now... I have to calm down... my heart is beating... I got my first date with the prince tomorrow ;)

Crushes are to feel crushed... I can handle crushes; my entire life, has been a series of crushes, not only with people, but with dreams, with stories... and most of all on me...

It is my latest discovery: I had a crush on myself. I think maybe I still do... I had a crush on who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, how I wanted to be... and I had been longing for that person to come along.. so I could be happy...

But its never going to, because its a crush on someone that well... can’t be... and for number of reasons. One he isn’t as smart as he had to be, he isn’t living where he was supposed to.. And well he will never look as I hoped he would...

I’m clinging again to the idea that all this... my life.. is just a  mere case of clinical depression.... a case that just has gone by unnoticed... I need to make it noticeable... but how?.. it’s a rhetorical question.... suicide...

Josh wrote this to me:

I want you to know that...

Even though it was possible for you to never talk to me again...because you'd be gone...my life...continued normally.

The world didn't end. I was ok...and when I was with my dad...I forgot all about you...

You know, I missed talking to you.

But at the same time, I don't even care...

Sorry if this sounds harsh but like...

Part of me really does not enjoy talking to you at all...

It's annoying, depressing, and ends up with an argument.

So yes, here comes the crushing part of the crush... with the horrible fact that it will never go anywhere... and that it was never meant to be...

I think all I ever wanted to be... I had to be by the time I was 21...

I said I needed someone that would get me and push me... I need pushing, everything that’s worth been doing in my life I’ve been pushed to do it... so when it comes to studying overseas... well I need someone to push me do it, basically force me to... and force me because I will fight it back, I would fight that person back, even if it’s doing something I really want to do... it’s insane, like if I had no willpower whatsoever... but just otherwise I’m too scared... I’m too terrified... I can’t move on my own otherwise...

(1 day late)

A voice that makes sense

A voice that makes sense

"There is really no doubt you are a very sick person. And if this diary has been online so long and been read as much as you claim and there are still no changes, it is very clear that either no one really cares about you or that you are indeed beyond any kind of help. Suicide is your best option, it really doesn’t sound your life is worth living at all. I live near you, I will be glad to be of assistance. Stop torturing yourself with this diary and most importantly stop torturing people online who deceived by your videos and other works come into this depressive world of yours. I’m not blaming you, it’s not your fault, you are just very sick. Please stop, and if you are not able to do it by yourself, let me help you end it. For your own sake and for everyone else’s."

(3 days late)

Today I told someone "I hate happy people"

Today I told someone "I hate happy people" 

And when I heard me say it I realized all I ever dreamt to be had died. I must accept. I am not capable of happiness… the same way I’m no more capable of building a rocket and going to the moon over the weekend, or finishing a book  started over 4 years ago…

I’m sick of seeing kids with smile, Emo kisses, or anyone who wear their hair blonde!! I just wish someone would just come here and kill me but of course, no one does, despite that people are murdered, raped massacred or just claimed missing on a daily basis in this rotten place. I have no clue, how over 4 years, people just stood by and managed to survive this waste of internet space, visual contamination, wordily vomit, syntaxical shit… 

I can’t take myself out the equation due cowardness… I can’t change myself, due incompetence, I can’t stop hurting myself due addiction… What is left, but to crumble into madness…? I need to make that jump… I need to let go… let coherence go… 

Feels easy for me I could start right now…but god, I would be so embarrassed with my sisters boyfriends being here…do people avoid becoming insane due embarrassment?  I feel I’m going to puke… I asked someone to own me…… I basically gave myself away as some ones slave, in that meaningless quest for some meaning… I don’t own myself… so let’s just see if someone else does… but the fucking bastard lives more than a thousand miles away.. Shit, my mom is going to read this… or someone she knows and they’ll tell them, and she will come here judgmental as always and demand explanations… when there are none.

I am fucked up.

I am human trash

I don’t love anyone… but my sisters cat… who in return  hates me… and I hated that animal too… but now it’s the only thing, I can say I love…

I’m tempted to repeat the teen cliché "no one understands me" but fuck it… I’m too old to use it… god I feel too old to use it… This is what I’ve been hiding, that I really don’t care for myself… or anyone else for that matter… I hate myself, and therefore I hate everything and everyone, I right now wouldn’t mind finding the worlds reset button and push it even n if it meant game over to everyone in it…

What kind of lame metaphor is that one…?

Now I think about it, all it’s a fucking lame metaphor… this diary, this huge lie, I’ve been telling myself that I can be better... That I am better, when that’s not true… I am selfish, and apathetic… I just can’t act it, because I would be too embarrassed… 

When you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.

(1 day late)

I received another message today that said: "just BE happy"

I received another message today that said:  "just BE happy" yup, just like that… it is a bit like telling someone with cancer "just cure yourself", he tells me to go out to the world, and to just be happy... 

This is irritating for a number of reasons.

One, I have to constantly explain to him or whoever says it tome, how sucky my life is and the pathetic personality I have that gets in the way of everything that’s good and worthwhile in this world. 

Two, I’m afraid to try alone... and learn to be happy alone and stay alone forever...

I met Joshua... I’ve had a crave for this name since I went to England years ago. It was the name of one of my roommates, he was blonde and gorgeous, and I was never brave enough to talk to him... last time I saw him he was shirtless in the beach. Ten years later comes another Joshua ... Him I was brave enough to talk to, well he reached me first for some reason, but unlike the 1st he I will probably never actually meet.

I sometimes treat him, like I did Obsidian back in school, and I enjoy it the same way, he is also, like Elektra in some ways, when we get passionate discussing... I don’t remember being so passionate online with anyone else beside him and Elektra... 

He is also very different to anyone I’ve met in many ways... he speaks like the kind of person I always wanted to talk to, he actually speaks so beautifully, that I can’t seem to get myself together and talk back... and I can talk a lot, I study social communications for crying out loud...

He is however reckless when he speaks and acts, which I find at the same time repulsive and attractive... I can’t really seem to grasp he is so young or that I’m actually this old... talking to him makes me wonder what the fuck did I do in my teens? Where did they go?

But today I did something so stupid, there is this really hot, really smart, girl in my Ethics class... she talked to me!!! And I talked back... and we actually got along!!! Amazed I was, I stated trying to well... make myself interesting... and yes... I screwed up... I was going to say it was nightmare to be bi... but when I thought in my mind, the word bisexual sounded so... ugh pathetic... and I actually said I was ameinian!!! Now of course... Lost all chances of being with this cute, really hot smart girl (completely out of my league) and messed it up again by speaking of guys.... I just hate myself....

(13 days late)

All it takes is one bad date...

All it takes is one bad date... 

Unless you are me, then you need two.

Tonight I’m going to cry, not just yet, because I’m filled with anger first. And not the type of anger that makes you wants to yell and course everyone you know. I’m filled with type of anger that requires to be denounced, that feels me with energy to write this words. Today I saw the things I hate most about myself and about others. Insecurity, lack of character, lies, disrespect, lack of communication, ugliness, both physically and personality wise... I saw everything that wrong with me and my world.

I don’t want to see you again, ever, you hurt me, and you will die alone, I got myself vulnerable to you, and you, and you made me feel, embarrassed about who I was, about what I believe... and what’s worse, I let you do it to me twice.

You are faggot, and mean this in the very and most insulting way, and for that I hate you, because you made me feel bad about being who I am, you represent everything that wrong in the ameinian community... you are, a cliché! The worst kind, you make me kitsch, void, useless... I’m an idiot, and you proved me right. 

You shouted to a 10 year old girl! What kind of person does that? You had me 15 minutes dragging after you in search of cab... I hate myself, for being with you, I hate myself for even doubting if it was my fault you are so week... I’m angry, so angry, so disappointed, so filled with contempt... I hate you, not more than I hate myself...but I do... I’m so filled with... hate... I couldn’t help but laugh all the time at our situation, and I know it bothered you I didn’t say what I was laughing about... I was laughing about us, our pathetic situation, you not knowing the jerk you are, and me putting up with it, when I know I deserve better even if I die a virgin... which I am still... and I’m so proud about it, because losing it to you would have been too degrading, I would have had to killed you and shoot myself then.

(17 days late)

I keep searching

My emotional support system has resided in sporadic kind words from strangers who assure me I do have something. Only the people whom I’ve called "friends" (more out of desperation than from real sense of friendship) have told me I’m really not going to make it, and if I do, it will take me years and years.

I know have no serious expectations from publishing anything in the next 5 to 10 years. Actually the thought that I will die without ever seeing my work "out" is even more persistent. I’m haunted by this thought that my work will be meaningless while I live. Even when I think of the moment I finish my book... I think, I must die after or otherwise it will all be just pointless.

I guess, what I’m really hoping is for someone to tell me, that I’m terribly wrong, that I made mistake, a terrible mistake... that writing was not my thing, but to do something else, something I’m truly great at and I just haven’t realized!

I’m back waiting for a savior… 

(31 days late)