Leaping tiger gorge

The Naxi people in china...

"Couples used to plan their suicide well in advance, to take care of all the details ... [...] The lovers dressed in their best clothes and went to a nearby mountain, where they built a simple abode of branches and flowers: They spent their last moments drinking, singing and dancing. And then committed suicide by throwing themselves from the mountain, hanging themselves on a tree or ingesting poisonous substances. "

Soul Sickness

Vacation have started and my free time is too much for me, besides I’m not feeling very well, actually I’m feeling useless and with nothing to do. Christmas has just started and the long prayers have started, I feel terribly uncomfortable about it and realized that I’m kind of a scrooge, I don’t like Christmas, listening carols, bright lights and family stories make feel sick. Maybe I just hate the family part.

To fight this I’m reading harry potter, but back to reality, I’m depressed by the way I look, I mean, I do hate myself, I hate me so much that I attract people to remind me about it. This reminds me about a dream I had the other night, I met Cloud 9 for 3rd or 4th time in my dreams, and god... I loved her then. Is one of just loves that grows inside again when you remember about it. I don’t even know why, I sure was attracted to her in my old school, I remember always wanting to be with her, she must have seen me like a pest, she was so sweet and lovely and cute and..... (Sigh...) I need someone to love me for whom I am. But no one does, no one actually knows who I am … I can see now how that can be tricky...

This is why I cannot stand my family, they only love me because I’m part of the family, but nothing else, and none of them would even look at me, if it was not my mom’s son. This is a trauma for so long… I should write prince stories. I think I understand this dilemma of being loved for who your family is and not who you are. Insane and pretentious, I know. 

The again its most likely because I don’t look like a loving person, actually I don’t look like any kind of person, I’m so ugly and horrible, I wish could stay locked up in this room for the rest of this life; not that would solve anything, I have spoken to people online that never see me and I end up screwing it all up too. 

(7 days late)

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter.

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter. 

I don’t know if it only happens to me, but it kind of produces something inside me. Makes me think of something better and magical… and magical as in real magic. It just makes me wonder and feel that any day your life could drastically change and be great. 

It’s been almost three longish years since I first read harry potter, it’s cool reading it again since I don’t remember much of the things. I can’t stop wishing I could be there in the story somewhere somehow, I don’t want to change the story because is great as it is. Just want to add me to it.

 This reminds me of saying:

 "What do you prefer, to make sense or to be happy?"

What do I want to be happy? I can’t even... no, I don’t know, this is frustrating, but I guess that a big part of it is to get know who I am. How lame that came out… What do I chose in relation of who I am and who I want to be. 

I feel sad... Maybe is beyond sadness… just is compassion for myself... I feel so cold, I feel trapped. I need to get free. Don’t have a clue of how, but I need to.

(3 days late)

Dissect my body, and hoppe you may find traces in my brain of what you were unable to find in the living expressions of my intellectual activities.

Now vindicated scientist, Paul Kammerer,  wrote in his suicide note, he dedicated his body to be dissected at the medical university, hoping his colleagues may find “traces in my brain of what they were unable to find in the living expressions of my intellectual activities”. 

So Typically Me

I met someone online, and he sure has shown me the looser I am.

To make things worse, my mom is planning a trip to a town in the country, hot weather. I hate going to places like that I feel so pathetic. 

I really need friends, someone near me, my age, that fully understands me, and know how to treat me. Someone who I could go swim in the ocean totally clothed, gee that relaxes me and excites me, I don’t know if that’s wrong but I’ve hide it all my life. People wouldn’t understand how cool the wet clothes feel... 

Why do I like it? Well I’ve been always very attracted to getting wet, in my old school there was a river where my math teacher used to take us to make some yoga, I always wished to fall in to the river, I even once accepted a dare and poured over me a bucket filled with river water.  But the first time I really did it because I liked it was a rainy day and I felt really sad and depressed, I did not want to go to class, so I dreamed awake that I would stay outside in the rain and get totally soaked, how it would look and feel stayed in my mind... a kind of poetic image stayed in my mind and hooked me. When I got home I couldn’t resist anymore and decided to take a bath, I wanted to go in with my school uniform but I was kind of scared so I decided to just do it in my briefs and a white shirt... then I came out and looked myself in to the mirror, I sure was surprised, I saw a new exciting figure of me, that felt cool, looked so cool, so forbidden, so out of place : P Since that moment I’ve been into wet clothes, I tried with the clothes I can, being careful about not ruining my clothes. I even remember, that it was like the second time I was going to try it, that one of my sisters came in to the bathroom while I was in the shower (I still used only my briefs and a shirt), she apologized but with a funny expression told me, - Santiago... why are you taking a shower with your underwear? - I was terrified so my reacted surprised too, and said that I haven’t noticed it, she must have known that I was in to something weird but never touched the subject again.

I’ve never gone swimming fully clothed, I don’t even have a tub to know how it will feel to be underwater with clothes, those things I wish to experiment with my friends, if I ever find them.

I guess that this is just one of my crazy freaky traits; there are also wedgies and slime. Wedgies are painful and fun, it’s great to get some... I’ve received wedgies and Melvin very few times, but at least I’ve given a vicious wedgie... poor kid, I tortured hem, I can’t stop feeling guilty and proud at the same time. I really wish to find a wedgie buddy, I want to receive all kind of wedgies there are, and sometimes I give myself wedgies… 

I once dreamed I was playing a game and since then I’ve been obsessed. I have come to name it “card wars". Its a little hard core I guess, to be honest is a fetishist game. Let me explain it... is between guys, the only thing you need is a pack of cards and a rotten mind... I can’t explain in English how the cards are played, but the important part is when someone wins the round, that one who wins gets the right to do whatever he wants to the other person, sliming and Pieing are the most popular, getting messy your opponent is the objective, like throw over him a bottle of milk, or pouring spaghetti sauce in his underwear.... depends on you, you can also have the right to destroy his clothes, cut his pants or rip his shirt, me personally would get his underwear off with his pants on!!! An atomic Melvin/wedgie!!!! mmm.... if played by couples, the guys play the cards, the one who wins tells the girlfriend of the loser what to do to him.... gee this one gets me horny, just imagining my girlfriend baking a cake in my underwear makes me hard!!! If I could play this game I sure would cheat to loose ;)

Ok, I'm weird, if spaghetti in my briefs while hanging by them on a perch turns me on.  I’m not exactly normal sexually. 

Well, writing this tells me something, the girl or boy for me will accept it, I know that... I hope.

(1 day late)

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved...

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved.... by no one, and it surprises me, that I haven’t find out until today, all the love I received comes with hurt. I confused love with pain, he loves me, ergo, he hurts me."friends are gods way to apologize for your family" but look at my "friends" they hurt me too, in the worst way... in continuum and routinary way, every day in the year, they hurt me, during my whole life it’s been like that... but for me it was normal, how can pain become normal?.... how do I let it continue?. I’m so sorry I’m not the brother my sisters want. And I’m so sorry about not being the son my parents want...Gee, it’s sad, now I’m sacred, cuz I think I love in the same way, I hurt people I love, it’s insane!!!! But I do, I know it. No matter how I don’t want to believe it, it’s true, I know that I’ll fool myself in any moment, and find an excuse for this.... I don’t even love myself...

To you, I need you near me, I need you so much, please come for me and rescue me and take me out of here...Don’t leave me alone, I’m satin for you, in fact I’m always waiting. Please let me know you are real. Let me know you will always be here and never leave. I'll die if you don’t come to me soon... please.

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14 i was in my school bus.

This kid, his name is george, well, he was (and still is) the most annoying kid ever, the reject, everyone treated him like trash, he was bullied, but he was also a despicable person so i never really cared for him. anyway, the first of several times, i being more of a loner, ended up having him sitting next to me in the schoolbus. of course i treated him with the same desrespect everyone else treated hime, he had tanned skin, flat black hair and fat black eyes and a very small thin body built.

So i told him that if he wanted to sit by my side he had to do as i said and one of the rulkes was not falling asleep on my shoulder.

of course, not even 5 mins after we left the school, he was pretending to be falling asleep on my shoulder. i kicked him with my elbow, but he continued, then I pushed his head abruptly away, but he continued.

Finally i was tired and i grabbed him by the hair and inflicting as much pain as i could i placed his big head between his legs.

Then i se it, when crouchin so far down, the back of his pullover and shirt was also lifted leaving to my reach the waisband of his ridiculus aqumarine generic brifes. I got a frim grip, he flinched, but he didnt move, he knew i woul pull it up, if he moved.

So I ordered him to stay like that the rest of the way, he did, i spend glorious 20 minutes holding his briefs while he had his head beteen his legs. People obviously noticed,, and i saw they were expecting me to pull.

Of course i didint let them down, i pulled high and strong for no reason, he yelled like a bitch, i didnt stop pulling, and i pulled and pulled, i saw my house down the corner, so i decided to get it done with, and i ripped hisdisgusting briefs off!!! aww, he was crying so beautyfully, people laughed, he was as humillieted as i ever got him... and i wedgied him some more times after, but that was the best.

2 days late