From what I've seen I would like him (my bully) to value me a little. where he forces me to do his homework and throws dirt at me through my window and makes me do things that I don’ t want to do, things i am too scared to do.

He pushes me all the time but, he cares for me as his special irreplaceable subject to abuse. I want it to be hardcore... real punches, excessive public humiliation, wedgies, swirlies, pantsings, public stripping, kegging, spitting, stuffing things inside my underwear, i day dream he drags me around the school, plays games with me, like I'm a ragdoll or puppy... plus all the shit  Obsidiana gets at school.

(5 days late)

Today, I came to terms with something

Today, I came to terms with something, there's no doubt that I am some kind of masochist. 

And you'd probably think I mean, something deep and emotional, related somehow to my tortured psyche, but no, the simple truth is that I love the idea of boys being humiliated, maybe suffering. I have never organized this thoughts but they have always been there, even in my desmænok, I see myself physically suffering and being humiliated, it's sort of an addiction... I think. 

Today I was watching a Hollywood action flick, Ransom, if I recall correctly, and they had this kid being kidnapped, he was beautiful, and they were mean to him, but I enjoyed seeing him  pushed and dragged, and specially loved when he peed himself. 

These sound like the words of a psychopath, devoid of emotion, compassion... I can only say its the opposite, there are a lot of emotions here, just lack of talent to express them.

I feel about this so much, that's how I see myself in my desmænok.... In fact i have it all planned out; first being kidnapped and ending up in a guerrilla concentration camp, then, being victim of some bully and being completely trashed in school, later in this kind of fight club, where they got me into a cage with another kids and finally I end up (I don't know if dead) in a kidnapping like the one in this movie. 

I know it isn't the right thing, I can't take it off my mind; I love to see how they bully Obsidiana at school and how I humiliate him pouring water down his underwear. 

(3 days late)

Today I had an extended family reunion...

Today I had an extended family reunion... I hated it so much. It is not that I hate my family, it's just that they don't make me feel good about myself; it’s been like that for a long time.
My school life is dull, but today I reached Obsidiana and asked him to take me some photos with wet clothes, I just have to find one day where I'm home alone and plan each one of the 24 pictures I got to take.

How could it?

As far as I know my life is not very different from anyone else’s and to be honest a bit on the boring side in comparison. No girlfriend or boyfriend or anything of the sort, not a great deal of friends or a hobby or innate talent. No way with words or images. However, we can start by saying that my life could have been interesting and that it could have been much… more.
How could it?
Maybe it could if I had stopped telling lies, I had been able to reach a stable relationship with another human being, if I had quit being self-conscious and unable to fit anywhere. It’s funny I don’t blame lack of money, or my parents… I know all this ‘ifs’ were up to me, and me alone.
Not long ago I found out that what I do best is daydream, but these daydreams are not shared with anyone. I can’t even bring myself to make them stories to share here. So I plan to leave a record of my life as I keep daydreaming. What I write here, is going to be as honest I can make it be, no camouflages or lies… Because with all these dreams have led to lies, and subsequently led to not having anything real.  I can’t keep lying… hopefully people affected by these turn of events forgive me.

(81 days late)