Wednesday, March 31, 2010

…What to do?

…What to do?
Big question for me now, what to do?
I read this poem, awesome, I should read more poetry, or write more poetry… I should actually just read more. I haven’t touched page of a book in months. I just feel like I hate to read…
Is this part of my frustration?
Yes I’m frustrated… and according to my psychology teacher, there is rarely going back for a frustrated person. A real frustration kills dreams, hopes, and the will to pursue ‘them if there’s any left.
For 5 year now I promised I would take some pictures of myself completely soaked... I haven’t done that. My EMO soaked vid really turns people on, and I’m so proud of it; to know you can turn people on is really something special... I know I wouldn’t turn myself on, I’m not that cute for my taste, but it’s really flattering some people do. There have been lots of alleged fans popping around; the first person was a girl at the wedgie board. Then some people at the TH board, now just people stumbling into my pictures her and on deviant art; not to mention of course YouTube
(2 days late)


Monday, March 29, 2010

Who am I?

Who am I? 
I’m certainly not a productive student... my grades can be a prove of that
Today passed to quick... I didn’t do anything... anything at all...
And all I think is those scenes from Syriana... the ones that showed poor people... have you noticed them? What where this people doing?
Watch them and think about it. In any movie… what are poor people doing....
 Nothing... poor people do nothing...
Poor people do nothing...
Poor people do nothing...
I’m broke right now, but I’m not poor...
Being broke is a temporary condition, being poor is a state of being.
I’m skipping classes a lot to watch the JLU

(2 days late)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Words Are Just Words


When I write sometimes I like to think I am playing a piano, that my fingers are producing art.... I want to close my eyes and let me go... just let me go...
I wish writing was like playing a piano, harmonic....but it’s not, it’s a process that is completely inharmonic and inorganic, your hands don’t move graciously, the sound of the keys is like little hammers that blend in with the noise all around you... no one feel the need to shut up when you are writing... it’s not an art worth to see performed. .
There was this brief part of my existence where I did things that seemed being what I needed... but now it’s all gone back into being silly, unnecessary and sad... 
I have abandoned the book. 


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I wish my tongue was sexier...

I wish my tongue was sexier...

I can’t seem to be able to eat today... I skipped collage and didn’t tell my mom... it just seemed foolish to show up not having the homework to turn in... It was just to define words, only to copy from a dictionary a few definitions, but I couldn’t do it... 
Where is my notebook?! Where the hell is it? It’s the second time I’ve lost it... all my class notes, random thoughts and some cool side margin drawings...
I don’t remember what happened to it. 


I’ve had two weird dreams.... 
Ryan Seacrest was hosting American idol in my kitchen... he is preparing some eggs... and hosting the show, it’s a mess... eventually I pitch in to help him... so he asks some girl who I don’t know who is... and asks her who is leaving the show... there are two contestants both blond, one beautiful, the other one not so much.
She picks the ugly one... and when Ryan asks why, she says: he looks like a looser...

In the other dream... there was stuff happening before... can’t remember what, but suddenly I’m in a very expensive clothing store and I go to the underwear section, and I ask someone there to help me find really oversized boxers...
Then something happens I get into a fight with someone...
In the end, this girl who apparently I was with, very beautiful, well, she’s mad because I fought and she comes to me... and says...
You are subordinate... a lackey, a loser...
And I’m so ashamed... I start agreeing... I say, I’m an employee, mediocre, wannabe...


I can’t seem to be able to eat... I feel nauseous around food though I’m hungry...
(3 days late)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

We are born crying, we live complaining, and we die disappointed.

We are born crying, we live complaining, and we die disappointed.
I had to stand 6 hours of torture yesterday during my sis birthday family reunion... I hate seeing my family... it’s a great family...but I feel so gritty, so gross around them... I feel judged, pitied... life if I had disappointed everyone. They hate me... I hate them...


(6 days late)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I’ve always been a picky eater…

I’ve always been a picky eater…
Just thought that needed to be said.
Is it me or am I getting stupider –does this word really exist? - Everyday.
I should have studied Graphic design; maybe I would be great at that instead of being mediocre at this. I should have made true friends in school, I have taken more pictures, and I should have not listened to my parents… Common I was in four different schools, how come I never met anyone? How come I am alone?
Now I miss Aiacos so much… but I haven’t talked to him in over a year. How do I tell him he is still the best friend I got? I’m the worst msn user, as any of me contacts I have the most short trivial conversations.
I have to be better, I have to call Tatiana, and I miss her so much. I’m a bitter person…
Just thought that needed to be said.


(3 days late)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Now I See What I Am... A Thief, a Whore and a Liar

Now I See What I Am... A Thief, a Whore and a Liar

Its only matter of thinking about my past to make me want to jump off my window… it’s so… disappointing, I don’t have a past, I made sure I never one. I have nothing that attaches me to the things I’ve lived; to the people I’ve met, to the places I’ve been…
And when there are any memories they are just so horrible to look at. I can’t look at old photographs of myself, I can’t watch myself on video, I can’t even read my own journal entries.
I’m ephemeral… I was here to pass… to be forgotten, I like to forget thing, I like to not think of things to come…
There is a thought that’s been hunting me for a while…
“I am ready to course 4rth grade” yes the truth is that I am ready for that, I f I could be the child I dream of being, the person I dream of being, I am mentally and emotionally ready to course the fourth grade.
My webcam is dead… yeah totally dead…
I don’t want to be saved now, I don’t want to be rescued, and I don’t need life to be breathed into me…
I don’t want love, I don’t want hate… I just stopped wanting…
I’m a thief, a thief of time that I waste every day, of opportunities I don’t cherish, of a life that has gone down the drain.
I’m a where, I sick, and very sick person that sells himself to the highest bidder for momentary pleasure... I’m lazy, mediocre and cheap...
I’m a liar... a sad liar, one pretending to be someone who is not, someone who is not honest to his true self, or to his beliefs.


(2 days late)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

So what

So what if everything in life really sucks? What if it’s all worthless? What if everything is just an annoying sound u can’t get out of your head? What if you are really a deep dark monster with no soul, or love inside? So what?
I need to attempt suicide I really need to... even if no one understands.
What will I do if I actually not do it? It’s just creepy to think about it, what if life passes by and I never ran away from home, or screamed at anyone, or attempted suicide? What if life passes bye, and I never loved or kissed... what if live passes bye and I never took the chance to live it? What will I do then? What will be my last thought before I die?

(4 days late)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Why does it hurt so much?

Am I supposed to just stay here and wait for my life to happen?
Am I supposed to suffer each day for things I’ll never have?
Why if I’m so conscious and powerful I can’t break the spell I put upon myself and am the boy I want to be?
Why does it hurt so much??? If I’m free, if I’m truly free why can’t I stop it?
You keep telling me that all this is because I don’t really want to…. But how come I don’t know what I really want?
How come I don’t know all those things? Why did I choose to forget them? Why can’t I recover that knowledge now?
I’m sad… I guess I was born to be sad… everything I’ve created around me has that only purpose: sadness… just sadness…
I am so vain… so, so vain… I am shallow and superficial… I’m too attracted to cuteness and beauty, I’m too into perfection. I am addicted to it… it’s starting to be toxic for me
I try to tell myself it’s not vanity , its art… but right now I really can’t see the difference, all I know is I want beauty and I don’t have it, all I know is I want perfection and its beyond me. I stumbled into this video of a Cute Boy Taking a Clothed Shower and oh dear god… so cute, such cute boys should not be allowed in my life, they make me feel sad about myself and my life… but I can’t help myself watching.
Maybe I associate beauty with sadness…after all beauty is something I don’t have, something I desire with all my being but I don’t own.
I’m not even sure I’m beautiful in words… and I want to be a novelist. I’m going to say something very sad, something quite pathetic but that I can no longer keep to myself… I want to be beautiful, I don’t want to be with someone beautiful only, and I want to be beautiful myself, just perfect… I want to be kind, pure and sweet and I want to look kind, pure and sweet. I want to be cute... I want to have the body of any of the boys I’ve lust over, anyone of them.
I hate my body, I hate every single inch of it, I’ve said before I like my eyes… or my arms, but the truth is I don’t, I would change my body completely… the body is the temple of the soul, and mine is not worthy of it.
Argh… I want to look like that kid when I get in my shower fully clothed… I want to, be awesomely cute when I get a Wedgie, I want to be stunning when I’m on a web cam… I want to look precious when my wrist are sliced or when people take a pix in a party, I want to be lovely enough so I can make fun of myself and o funny faces... I want to be able to wear clothes my size, I want to be able to get all kind of hairstyles, I want to wear my pants real low, I want to wear girl’s t-shits and look great in them…
I guess maybe my soul is not worthy of a great temple because it feels like it needs one… but I don’t care if my soul is beneath it.

(3 days late)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I feel small

I could say I was busy but that would just be a lie. My mood changes are driving me crazy....
I feel small...  useless.... not even my teacher knows my name. And I’ve been taking his class for over a year now.
Anyway we have to get an interview for his class. An interview of someone "worth" of it... I of course know no one...
Actually the only person I feel like interviewing is myself... so I might end up just faking it... ill interview a made up character... someone interesting... oh, yes and ill create some sites on him, to make him "important"... I’m desperate and I suck at journalism... I'll create a personality for him or her (I haven’t decided) and I’ll get someone to help me impersonate him on the interview. 
Jorge … to lame. 
Jaime… to common
Daniel… yes Daniel...





Monday, March 1, 2010

There is time for absurd

There is time for absurd…. Maybe this is my time.
Absurdity number one: I’m clinically… pathologically antisocial and I’m studying “Social” communications.
Absurdity #2… My parent’s relationship… they just DON’T understand each other… They just don’t, one says something and the other one hears another thing… they’ve been separate for almost ten years now… and the other day, they got asked if they were married… AND MY MOM SAID YES!!!
Absurd number three: My life… argh… I have to get myself into doing all these things… most of my collage work is group work, and I hate people. I don’t want to meet people I want to lock myself and jus finish my book. I can’t believe I still desire that but I do, but I read something I’ve written and I break a little inside…