Why does it hurt so much?

Am I supposed to just stay here and wait for my life to happen?

Am I supposed to suffer each day for things I’ll never have?

Why if I’m so conscious and powerful I can’t break the spell I put upon myself and am the boy I want to be?

Why does it hurt so much??? If I’m free, if I’m truly free why can’t I stop it?

You keep telling me that all this is because I don’t really want to…. But how come I don’t know what I really want?

How come I don’t know all those things? Why did I choose to forget them? Why can’t I recover that knowledge now?

I’m sad… I guess I was born to be sad… everything I’ve created around me has that only purpose: sadness… just sadness…

I am so vain… so, so vain… I am shallow and superficial… I’m too attracted to cuteness and beauty, I’m too into perfection. I am addicted to it… it’s starting to be toxic for me

I try to tell myself it’s not vanity , its art… but right now I really can’t see the difference, all I know is I want beauty and I don’t have it, all I know is I want perfection and its beyond me. I stumbled into this video of a Cute Boy Taking a Clothed Shower and oh dear god… so cute, such cute boys should not be allowed in my life, they make me feel sad about myself and my life… but I can’t help myself watching.

Maybe I associate beauty with sadness…after all beauty is something I don’t have, something I desire with all my being but I don’t own.

I’m not even sure I’m beautiful in words… and I want to be a novelist. I’m going to say something very sad, something quite pathetic but that I can no longer keep to myself… I want to be beautiful, I don’t want to be with someone beautiful only, and I want to be beautiful myself, just perfect… I want to be kind, pure and sweet and I want to look kind, pure and sweet. I want to be cute... I want to have the body of any of the boys I’ve lust over, anyone of them.

I hate my body, I hate every single inch of it, I’ve said before I like my eyes… or my arms, but the truth is I don’t, I would change my body completely… the body is the temple of the soul, and mine is not worthy of it.

Argh… I want to look like that kid when I get in my shower fully clothed… I want to, be awesomely cute when I get a Wedgie, I want to be stunning when I’m on a web cam… I want to look precious when my wrist are sliced or when people take a pix in a party, I want to be lovely enough so I can make fun of myself and o funny faces... I want to be able to wear clothes my size, I want to be able to get all kind of hairstyles, I want to wear my pants real low, I want to wear girl’s t-shits and look great in them…

I guess maybe my soul is not worthy of a great temple because it feels like it needs one… but I don’t care if my soul is beneath it.

(3 days late)