Take a deep breath…

Take a deep breath… I said I had never been satisfied about anything with my life… well I’m just happy I met the prince… it was great… he showed me that there’s like people worth living for… that there are in fact people hat make the world a special place by just being in it… 

How often you come across people that make you feel better than what you think you are? How many people come along and make you feel you might be remotely valuable to someone? 

… he has been offline for 3 days now… today (this is going to be so embarrassing to say) I repeated his voice mail message on my cellphone , over and over till the battery died… every time I listened to it, its meaning varied… was he satisfied? Tired? Was he sad? Was he disappointed? Was he fed up? why did he call?.. Did feel he had to do it? did he wanted to? Was that simple calling a way of saying goodbye? I keep replaying our date on my head… sometimes I think it went great… sometimes I think it had to be the worst thing for him ever…when I judge it by my actions, when I dated Daniel (the really bad two dates) I lied a lot to Daniel to try to make him feel comfortable… I’m afraid he did the same thing to me, I said awful things… he said the most wonderful… I just was so focused trying to hide the cuts on my wrists while we ate… now I have the urge to cut more. I wouldn’t blame him; maybe I was his bad date… He did say he was a detached person.

I don’t dare try calling him on his cellphone … I don’t even know if it is his… I’m not that desperate… mmmm… ok maybe I am a little… probably, the biggest act of self-sabotage is this… writing this, because I know he’ll read it (hiya!!^^) … but all I think of is him… and I don’t know if that’s good or bad… but I just need to let it out somewhere… here… in the screaming room…

 I just hoped through the day as a voting juror he would show up... for some reason… it was… so… psychotic… so pathetic…. I’m so damaged and despaired… I try to keep myself from just calling him and telling him all those things… damn phone phobia!

I never thought I could be like this, thinking about someone for such long periods of time… I just like… I want to be with him…. god

I don’t even know him… I spoke to him once, this is sick… this is… self-sabotage… I’m tired of sabotaging myself; I’m my worst enemy… I don’t know if I want to be with him or be him… or maybe a bit of both… I am just so  incredibly happy I actually met him… even if it was just to see him once… and also I’m in so much pain now after (the good kind)… I feel so alive… all thanks to him… to him… I have to visit some historic places and museum here in Bogotá… I mailed him asking him to come… if he doesn’t… well… I can always ask Ana to come, I really wish he does… but again, I’m too scared to just call … me and my damn phone phobia…

All and all, I’m tired of asking questions...

All and all, I’m tired of asking questions... always, the same questions over and over again. Questions that wear out the soul... stain it.

Why do I hate myself so much? When will it end? Will I die tomorrow? What should I do next? Why can’t I do what I want to do? Why am I not happy? Where am I? Is this the right choice? Where did all go wrong? How could I have made a difference? What if I was someone else? Who am I? How did I let myself fail?

I now see failure not as a persistent fear, not as threatening menace... but as the bleak reality. 

THIS IS IT.

How do you react to failure... well most people will say, you should learn form you mistakes and start over again till you do it right. 

I don’t think I can start over again... and believe me I find myself now staring at the ceiling for hours at a time thinking how would I have lived in a better way, and how I’d give to go back and do it all over again.

Wasteful thoughts indeed.

Now I find myself writing this journal, almost convinced that this will be the only thing I’ll ever write.

This dear reader. Is a story of failing, the story people are too afraid to tell, the story people hate to hear. The story a loser, a depressive freak... my story. The story of accomplishing nothing, losing friends and alienating people.

(4 days late)

I feel like if someone had tripped me, and I tumbled over...

I feel like if someone had tripped me, and I tumbled over...

I just don’t know who?

Probably myself...

I don’t really know what to do next... I don’t even know what I am going to do the next hour... go to class or go home... I don’t know if I should remove illustrations, or videos... I hate them all so much... I don’t know if should publish my journal entries or not...

I don’t know, if I should keep on writing or give up already and try something else, I don’t know if should cut my hair or leave it as it is... I don’t know if I should keep on trying photography, or devote myself to manga.

I don’t know if should delete some of my contacts, I don’t know if I should date girls or boys... or stop dating at all... I don’t know if I should just lock myself at home alone... Should I get job, or try and make it on my own... should in stick to my dreams, or accept my life as it is and move ahead with it... I don’t know I f a should still believe in love... or in god... or in magic... or in anything at all

(29 days late)

Why do I have to put my life aside all the time?

Why do I have to put my life aside all the time?

I haven’t written recently because of one simple thing… collage work, it just never ends, and the truth is… I don’t even think I’m learning that much.

I don’t understand why I have to put my life aside to do what is supposed my choice of life.

I did choose to go to college… didn’t I?

I’m no longer sure; I can’t remember the moment I chose a major… I just remember one day my mom driving me to the campus and I signed some paper…. And voila! I’m studying a career I hate!

Everyone I meet and I show my work to says “WTF are you doing here?” actually today Ana Maria (A girl I’m really into) said that I was wasting myself studying this :P I’m not sure if it’s a complement or if it’s an insult, but it’s surely says what I feel right now.

(1 day late)

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid…

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid… in the rain! Got thoroughly soaked. It was silly and fun, I really enjoyed it.

(7 days late)

Took his own sword and fell upon it.

4 Then Saul said to his armor-bearer, “Draw your sword, and thrust me through with it, lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and mistreat me.” But his armor-bearer would not, for he feared greatly. Therefore Saul took his own sword and fell upon it. 5 And when his armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he also fell upon his sword and died with him.

Samuel 31:4-5

Lemmings

"We must consider suicide as an exclusively human behavior, since man, unlike other animals, can cease to exist at will following a premeditated act. In order to be able to speak of animal suicide, there must be an awareness of the irreversibility of the act and of the death that will follow. Except for the human being we cannot affirm that in the animal world there is this certainty about the finitude of its existence. The animal does not recognize itself as mortal, and does not know that it is going to die, therefore He cannot think about his death, nor wish it, nor plan it, nor finally carry it to completion. "

Ginés Jesús Llorca Díez

Leaping tiger gorge

The Naxi people in china...

"Couples used to plan their suicide well in advance, to take care of all the details ... [...] The lovers dressed in their best clothes and went to a nearby mountain, where they built a simple abode of branches and flowers: They spent their last moments drinking, singing and dancing. And then committed suicide by throwing themselves from the mountain, hanging themselves on a tree or ingesting poisonous substances. "

Goodbye my friend, goodbye

Goodbye my friend, goodbye

Farewell, my good friend, farewell.
In my heart, forever, you’ll stay.
May the fated parting foretell
That again we’ll meet up someday.
Let no words, no handshakes ensue,
No saddened brows in remorse, –
To die, in this life, is not new,
And living’s no newer, of course.

Sergei Yesenin, aged 30, committed suicide by hanging himself in his hotel room. His last poem, was mailed to a friend the day before, and according to him, was finished using his own blood as he had ran out of ink.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

 What the hell you think you are doing?

I don’t care for anyone. Only two random people have ever captured my attention in my life and I don’t know any of them. 

I remember being with my dad in the car and one boy came to clean the windows, he was my age 12 or 13 y/o he had this…  look…  in his eyes, like if we both at the same time wished to be in each other’s place. Year later in an hotel pool a rich cute boy also my age (15-16 y/o) was there in the pool looking at the ocean and I saw a something in his eyes in his eyes... he was lonely.

I bought a Wicca book but my mom had my money so she had to buy it for me, now she is at her room looking at it and commenting it with my sisters.

I want to suicide so much... but I can’t, I’m such a coward... I've had that knife in my hand so many times for such a long time but I still don’t. I have someone that I think is worried about me, but that isn’t enough. 

(1 day late)