Monday, June 27, 2011

Exhausted I dreamed of the pleasure that arises

 Exhausted I dreamed of the pleasure that arises


Exhausted I dreamed of the pleasure that arises,

but lives without me, as it shines and passes:

its rush to burn delays

and subtracts me from what within me devours.


Detached from me who falls in love

and in its fire absorbed the scarce life,

I am the sterile residue of its embers

and death wins me from now on.


What happens for me is not equaled

nor restored after it appears;

I am only its absence, which remains.


Oh death, idle for the past,

your shadow is vast and the occasion and the nest

of the defect that I am of what I have been.


Jorge Cuesta, Córdoba (Veracruz) 1903 - Mexico City 1942



On August 13, 1942, the Mexican poet, Jorge Cuesta left his life after finding the exit in the sheets of his bed with which he hung himself. 

Cuesta was admitted to a mental health asylum  for having relapsed into a paranoia crisis that he had already faced with success two years ago.

He was 38 years old and in life he never saw any of his books published.



Saturday, June 25, 2011

I just can't be any good to you or myself

 Carol, 

I am so sorry for this. I feel I just can't go on. I have always tried to do the right thing but where there was once great pride now it's gone. I love you and the children so much. I just can't be any good to you or myself. The pain is overwhelming.
Please try to forgive me.
Cliff




Friday, June 24, 2011

 Gloomy Sunday

Sadly one Sunday
I waited and waited
With flowers in my arms
All the dream has created
I waited 'til dreams,
Like my heart, were all broken
The flowers were all dead
And the words were unspoken
The grief that I know
Was beyond all consoling
The beat of my heart
Was a bell that was tolling
Saddest of Sundays
Then came a Sunday
When you came to find me
They bore me to church
And I left you behind me
My eyes could not see
What I wanted to love me
The earth and the flowers
Are forever above me
The bell tolled for me
And the wind whispered, "Never!"
But you I have loved
And I'll bless you forever
Last of all Sundays



Saturday, June 18, 2011

Reasons

 



Reasons to attempt suicide

A list of reasons

  • Altruistic/heroic suicide. Voluntary death for the good of a group (e.g. Japanese Kamikaze pilots or hunger strikes).
  • Philosophical Suicide. Various philosophical schools, such as stoics or existentialists have advocated suicide under some circumstances.
  • Religious Suicide. Usually in the form of martyrdom. Found in the early stages of Christianity and during the Reformation and the Inquisition. More recently seen in mass suicides among members of the Solar Temple in Switzerland.
  • Escape from unbearable sitations. Persecution, terminal illness, chronic misery. There were huge numbers of suicide during the time of pestilence or oppression (e.g. Jews in Medieval Europe with the choice of conforming to Christianity or death, Jews during the Nazi-tyranny or blacks and Native Americans in the NEw World. More recently AIDS has caused similar reactions.
  • Excess Alcohol and Drug use.
  • Romantic suicide. See Romeo and Juliet but more frequent among people who have lived together for a long time when one of them dies or is terminally ill (which may lead to suicide pacts).
  • Anniversary Suicide. See above.
  • Contagion Suicide. When one suicide sparks one or a serious of other suicides. E.g. after the powerful scenes of Russian roulette as shown in the Michael Cimino film "The Deer Hunter", the number of gunshot suicides rose significantly.
  • An attempt to manipulate others. "If you don't do this, I will kill myself."
  • Seek help or send a distress signal (that fails and leads to unintentional death).
  • Punishment. "You'll be sorry when I'm dead and all the guilt will be on your head".
  • Cultural Approval. Ritual suicide (Japanese harakiri or seppuku) mostly associated to matters of honor.
  • Lack of outside source to blame for one's misery.
  • Other. Most suicides have multiple causes.

    Source:
    Geo Stone: Suicide and Attempted Suicide. Methods and Consequences

  • Thursday, June 16, 2011

    The truth and only the truth

    The truth and only the truth. 
    This was the reason I started this diary in the first place, I needed to tell the truth... why? Because I lie a lot. 
    I think being a good liar is an essential quality of being a good actor; Enjoying your lies I fundamental for a good writer. 
    I need to write, I haven’t written anything in months but the urge is getting bigger and bigger, and the story is now to big to keep it in my head. 
    And I’m a lousy writer, just read my entries they lack style, coherence and mainly good grammar. 
    I feel I’ve been giving up lately, giving up on so many things... specially my dreams. I stopped straightening and dying my hair, haven’t got dressed in days. I need to record this video and yet I seem to not find the appropriate time. Time... I need time, I keep convincing myself  to give up on these things because there is no time. No time to write, to read, to lie down, to draw... 
    The truth is I don’t know if any of this is true. Or if my lies are taking a toll on me, and I’ve started fall for ‘me. Believing my own lies; If an actor gets so much in character he starts to actually believe he is his character... does that make him a terrific actor or the worse of all? 
    Didn’t this happen to the guy that played Nosferatu in that old silent movie? (I’m too lazy to Google it now) or isn’t this the same that happened to Ed Wood, who blindly believed his work was truly amazing. 
    Back to the pressing matter, I no longer know if this diary true, or if I’ve fallen into the delusion it is... I keep writing I’m sad, but am I? I keep trying to expand my writing beyond myself to prove I’m not an egocentric maniac... what do you think? 
    Drunks have taken over the block, you can hear them arguing and laughing from all over here in the fifth floor. People are dying in floods all over the place, corruption invades everything in this country, and the truth is I am here at night, writing, expecting an epiphany from putting this words here... because I promised here I would tell the truth and only the truth.

    (11 Days Late)

    Sunday, June 5, 2011

    To a friend

    To a friend



    I will come one evening, rounding the bend that takes me;

    I will come to find you alone with your old dream.

    Dusk will drag its light clouds heavily

    Passing by your lonely window


    You will welcome me in your silent room and there will be

    books all around, abandoned in deep silence.

    We will sit next to each other. We will talk about the things that go away

    of those who have died before we lose them,

    from the bitterness of meaningless life, of boredom,

    of not expecting anything to be done,

    of disappearing ... And little by little in the dark stillness,

    our words and our last thoughts will also be quenched.


    But the night will come and stop at the window sill;

    will mix breezes and aromas with starlight,

    with the great call that Nature exhales,

    and with your chest which silence will not protect.


    April 30, 1930


    Maria Polydouri, quit life with a lethal injection of morphine. 

    I promised myself I wouldn't be … well… me…

    I promised myself, I wouldn't be … well… me… That I'll stay alive till I passed the original Pokémon green for GB and capture Mew. I wouldn't commit suicide till Year seven of the harry potter seven arrived, I promised myself that I would get one cool haircut in my life, that I would not care about what people think or say. 
    I'm going to try to keep my word on that last one. 
    I got this on my mail today:
    E-mail: holly_nin@yahoo.com   <Omar Eduardo Arango "Quiñones">

    Comment:   Dear fag...oops I mean Xag:   First of all, allow me ask u something: have u no life, no friends (I mean normal friends) no nothing??...Oh wait a sec, I guess u do have something: NO SHAME WHATSOEVER for being who u are and doing the most pathetic work there has yet to be done. As a classmate on "taller de television" I've got to say I was kind of disturbed by your presence and your horrifying lack of fashion. And the hair, something to kill yourself for!!   One more thing before living this hideous site, PLEASE DON'T EVER POST VIDEOS WHERE U TELL THE WORLD YOU'RE STUDYING AT UNIVERSITY SERGIO ARBOLEDA, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING FOR US BIG TIME!!!   On behave of everybody who's NOT A FREAK LIKE U, thanks for the chance of posting this comment and please do try to not leave your house from time to time so people don't get traumatized by your looks.   Take good care of yourself.   

    Sincerely   

    Not a fan of your shity work AT ALL.

    No more videos. 


    (12 days late)