Alone now

Ok, I’m alone now, me with me and me……….

……….… I feel if my blog was a real space… it would be like a cathedral a huge empty cathedral with scattered paper on the floor… and now it’s deserted… I feel I could hear my echoes…….

ECHO!!!

………………………… (Echo!!)

……………………………………………….. (Echo!)

………………………………………………………………… (…echo…)

I’ve been bleeding through my nose all afternoon… he asked me what do you need… what can I do?, should I cut myself?, should I get wet?… 

(1 day late)

I take a step back ... I stagger.

 2:45 AM

There is no pain at this moment

only the tormented silence of this vast space,

of this misunderstood loneliness.

There will be no more sunrises in our lives ...

Just like the chimeras that we desire,

and like the afflictions we hate

were born from what's dead of our souls.

Dead are our hearts,

incinerated by the flames they once loved!

The earth will kiss our bodies

welcoming our last breaths ...

Only in this moment that we hold on

can we recognize our past.

A feeling floats in the morning haze ...

For an instant its shape is recognizable ...

And between the coldness of our bodies without passion,

fades and dies.

For the agony of not being animals

our hand can take the initiative

and trace a strip of suns

where fear is greater than our hopelessness.

A gag on the soul

a knot in the throat and ...

Only the clouds that contemplate us

can know the dark of our history.

The breeze carries our laments

more in the depths of our emptiness

something urges us not to give up yet.

Today the black storm clouds

will not be a promise of life,

and lost childhoods will not be restored.

On the precipice of our abandonment

nor the thick forest of yesteryear

nor the cold current of the years

may prevent our last blind step ...

Our body shudders against something infinite,

something that does not listen to explanations.

I can see the waves hitting the rocks!

I take a step back ... I stagger.

The pounding of the waves is so vigorous ...

A strange calm invades me ...

Where fear and anguish abounded

now the white foam highlights everything;

where hatred and insecurity lived,

now the breeze softens everything ...

Only the rays of the Sun, which give us life

can know the beauty of our death.

For Miguel Ángel Villegas,

with love, from his father.

Christmas is a stupid holiday

Christmas is a stupid holiday, not as stupid as New Year’s but stupid enough.

First we must admit it’s all about the money and the presents, like one broke girl said.

“The holidays are totally about money! It’s about spending money to buy things to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us life is hard and then we die.” 

It’s not about love, joy to the world, or the celebration of the birth of Christ... It’s a huge commercial complot to exploit us and taker our money.

But who am I kidding… this is not why I hate Christmas...

I hate Christmas, because it’s supposed to be perfect and never is. This time of year comes, and it’s in our subconscious that this should be a time for happiness and sharing with our families. But it’s never like that…

I personally don’t love my extended family, with whom I have been forced to share this dreadful holiday. Why you wonder? It’s a nice family… a good looking, a wealthy family, a kind family… I don’t fit. I just don’t. 

The people closer to me is the people I’m more distant emotionally, no one in my family knows me, and the only person I depended in making Christmas better is across the ocean having the time of her life. 

As I sat alone in the middle of the crowd drinking Colombiana I realized how alone and pathetic I was:

First the only person I was expecting to hear a merry Christmas from was a 60 year old in England.

Second, that the only person I could ask in a date was not very good looking 15 year old ameinian boy I met online… and knowing that if I ever meet him, he’ll be so disappointed; I’m much uglier than what you see on webcam.

Everyone else is gone… just gone… And to think this promised to be such a great Christmas season. 

(29 days late)

Liar

Liar

You are a liar, a fake phony false human being... if you can call yourself human. Deception disappointment, in everything you do and say, nothing is real, nothing is true, nothing is authentic.

Liar. Masks all over yourself, makeup... actor, pretender, wannabe...

The truth is I can’t do it, the truth is, and I’m incapable. The truth is I sabotage myself constantly, which part of me is real?

(14 days late)

May my death be fruitful. And force the meditation. So that those who can, learn the lesson.

From the suicide letter of Miguel Ángel Quevedo. Cuban Editor, Shot himself while living in exile  in Venezuela. 

We were all guilty. Everyone. By action or omission. Old and young. Rich and poor. Black and white. Honored and thieves. Virtuous and sinners. Of course, we still had to learn the incredible and bitter lesson: that the most "virtuous" and the most "honored" were the poor.

I die disgusted. Alone. Outlaw. Exiled. And betrayed and abandoned by friends to whom I generously gave my moral and financial support in very difficult days. [...] All dehumanized and cold abandoned me in "the fall".

May my death be fruitful. And force the meditation. So that those who can, learn the lesson. [...]And for the people to reconsider and repudiate those spokesmen of hatred, whose fruits we have seen could not be more bitter.

We were a people blinded by hate. And we were all victims of that blindness. Our sins weighed more than our virtues. We forgot Nuñez de Arce when he said:

"When people forget their virtues, it's a tyrant in its own vices."

I missed you today

I missed you today, I missed you, yes you who you are.... I missed you so much; I had to contain my tears several times. I was empty without you; I was lost without you...

No music, no song was good enough to take you of my mind... I had lie again because of you, because the emptiness is so big it was unbearable... I had to lie, to make up a story so I could hide the immense shame, that you are not here by my side, that I haven’t found you.

I made you up... and to make it worse I killed you to explain your absence…

(11 days late)

I can see it so clearly

I can see it so clearly, in 2 or three years, right after finishing collage... I am going to be so lost; I’m no journalist, but that’s my career… and people will ask me "why don’t you change? Why don’t you change your career? Why don’t you make new friends? Why do you finish your book?" 

And I’ll have to answer something lame like 

"It’s like being lost inside a forest, a thick forest, and I’ve been shown a path, not a clear path but like the trace someone left behind, and I’ve been following it for ages and it hasn’t got me anywhere, now, impulsive, decided and strong people would notice that and would leave the path and make their own way, but me, I’m not smart enough or brave enough to leave the path I’ve been shown, even if I know it’s only going in circles... I just can’t"

(1 day late)

I got a crush on YOU

Sometimes you need to let that love for that someone you haven't known yet out of your system, and this is the result, and inspired by someone who doesn't even know I exist even though i saw him everyday for the last 2 years, here it are my diary entries.

Sincerely: Not fit.

"'Survival of the fittest.'

 Goodbye.

Sincerely: Not fit."

- Anonymous Suicide Note.

Its me again... its weird

I’m sorry I have not being updating recently

I’m sorry I have not being updating recently, I just feel empty.

I’m sure is just part of my neurosis and hidden wishes of being totally unhappy. I just don’t want to go to school again, I know it sounds like a little kid, but I got a bad feeling about it... (.)

(22 days late)

So Typically Me

I met someone online, and he sure has shown me the looser I am.

To make things worse, my mom is planning a trip to a town in the country, hot weather. I hate going to places like that I feel so pathetic. 

I really need friends, someone near me, my age, that fully understands me, and know how to treat me. Someone who I could go swim in the ocean totally clothed, gee that relaxes me and excites me, I don’t know if that’s wrong but I’ve hide it all my life. People wouldn’t understand how cool the wet clothes feel... 

Why do I like it? Well I’ve been always very attracted to getting wet, in my old school there was a river where my math teacher used to take us to make some yoga, I always wished to fall in to the river, I even once accepted a dare and poured over me a bucket filled with river water.  But the first time I really did it because I liked it was a rainy day and I felt really sad and depressed, I did not want to go to class, so I dreamed awake that I would stay outside in the rain and get totally soaked, how it would look and feel stayed in my mind... a kind of poetic image stayed in my mind and hooked me. When I got home I couldn’t resist anymore and decided to take a bath, I wanted to go in with my school uniform but I was kind of scared so I decided to just do it in my briefs and a white shirt... then I came out and looked myself in to the mirror, I sure was surprised, I saw a new exciting figure of me, that felt cool, looked so cool, so forbidden, so out of place : P Since that moment I’ve been into wet clothes, I tried with the clothes I can, being careful about not ruining my clothes. I even remember, that it was like the second time I was going to try it, that one of my sisters came in to the bathroom while I was in the shower (I still used only my briefs and a shirt), she apologized but with a funny expression told me, - Santiago... why are you taking a shower with your underwear? - I was terrified so my reacted surprised too, and said that I haven’t noticed it, she must have known that I was in to something weird but never touched the subject again.

I’ve never gone swimming fully clothed, I don’t even have a tub to know how it will feel to be underwater with clothes, those things I wish to experiment with my friends, if I ever find them.

I guess that this is just one of my crazy freaky traits; there are also wedgies and slime. Wedgies are painful and fun, it’s great to get some... I’ve received wedgies and Melvin very few times, but at least I’ve given a vicious wedgie... poor kid, I tortured hem, I can’t stop feeling guilty and proud at the same time. I really wish to find a wedgie buddy, I want to receive all kind of wedgies there are, and sometimes I give myself wedgies… 

I once dreamed I was playing a game and since then I’ve been obsessed. I have come to name it “card wars". Its a little hard core I guess, to be honest is a fetishist game. Let me explain it... is between guys, the only thing you need is a pack of cards and a rotten mind... I can’t explain in English how the cards are played, but the important part is when someone wins the round, that one who wins gets the right to do whatever he wants to the other person, sliming and Pieing are the most popular, getting messy your opponent is the objective, like throw over him a bottle of milk, or pouring spaghetti sauce in his underwear.... depends on you, you can also have the right to destroy his clothes, cut his pants or rip his shirt, me personally would get his underwear off with his pants on!!! An atomic Melvin/wedgie!!!! mmm.... if played by couples, the guys play the cards, the one who wins tells the girlfriend of the loser what to do to him.... gee this one gets me horny, just imagining my girlfriend baking a cake in my underwear makes me hard!!! If I could play this game I sure would cheat to loose ;)

Ok, I'm weird, if spaghetti in my briefs while hanging by them on a perch turns me on.  I’m not exactly normal sexually. 

Well, writing this tells me something, the girl or boy for me will accept it, I know that... I hope.

(1 day late)

[…]  A religion teacher I had, tried to help me once and told me this story:

There was once a town, with a church and a priest that was so kind and devoted, everyone thought of him as a saint. Once it rained so much that the town flooded they tried to evacuate the town, but the priest was not willing to do so himself. He had been such a good person that he knew god will save him. So then when the water was 1m high a man in a boat came and told him to jump in so he would be saves, but the priest told him that he wouldn’t, because god will save him.

Then when water was over 3m high a helicopter came to rescue the priest that was swimming desperately, but the priest wouldn’t get onto the ladder, he was convinced that god was going to save him for.

The water kept growing and the priest drowned.

 Once he got to heaven the first thing he said was – “god? Why didn’t you try to save me?” – God surprised, answered – “I didn’t try?First I sent the police to evacuate the zone, then I sent a boat to rescue you, and then I sent a helicopter to save your life. You were the one who didn’t want to be rescued” –

What do we learn from this story? […]

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

 What the hell you think you are doing?

I don’t care for anyone. Only two random people have ever captured my attention in my life and I don’t know any of them. 

I remember being with my dad in the car and one boy came to clean the windows, he was my age 12 or 13 y/o he had this…  look…  in his eyes, like if we both at the same time wished to be in each other’s place. Year later in an hotel pool a rich cute boy also my age (15-16 y/o) was there in the pool looking at the ocean and I saw a something in his eyes in his eyes... he was lonely.

I bought a Wicca book but my mom had my money so she had to buy it for me, now she is at her room looking at it and commenting it with my sisters.

I want to suicide so much... but I can’t, I’m such a coward... I've had that knife in my hand so many times for such a long time but I still don’t. I have someone that I think is worried about me, but that isn’t enough. 

(1 day late)

I read a quote about friends

I read a quote about friends, it was something like...

"You get more friends getting interested in people, than getting people interested in you"

Am I really interested in people? I was convinced I was, but now I remember to many people saying the opposite, especially my mom, she has always nagged me saying my attitude towards anything is: 

Me first, I next, and whatever it's left is for me to!

I don't think now I’m a comprehensive, empathic person, I have always thought of other guys at my school as empty, stupid, simple persons… Is there something I'm not seeing? What is it? 

This is why I can’t get any friends, I'm totally blind to other people, their thoughts and feelings, and how do I solve that? I really want to be interested in someone else's life. But I'm just not open to meet other people, because my immediate reaction is: "he is a jerk." And with the amount of jerks in this world… can you blame me?

No more tears now; I will think upon revenge.

No more tears now; I will think upon revenge.

I've come to a limit. I can’t take it no more, they did it again. My ex friend, lover, crush, whatever Minos was with other of his friends and tried to pull a phone prank to me, of course I recognized their voices especially Minos's voice when he shouted "homosexual bitch". I can’t stop imagining ways to make him suffer: sticking gum in his hair, pouring paint in his back pack, revealing that I and some friends saw him and Rhadamanthys masturbating each other during class. To childish?

(1 day late)

In the middle of my frustrated fears

In the middle of my frustrated fears

I know this isn't the way I’d like my diary to start but that’s it, I feel awful, my soul is sick and I can’t think straight. I feel like going to vomit again. 

I really screwed it up today, Camilla (previous school acquaintance) called today as she needed to sell some tickets for a party, I was so confused I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want to go so she told me she'd come here to give me the ticket 6$ each. the thing is I feel like a looser, got no style, got acne, have no friends, my room is a mess n' don’t even like my hair.

I couldn’t deal showing up as a looser, so I told the building doorman to tell Camilla that no one was home. of course I thought it was going to be very rude of me so called her back to tell her I wouldn’t go to the party so she wouldn’t bother coming over my house, the thing was that she insisted in coming, so she came over and the watchman told her there was nobody as requested. 

So she called by cellphone here and my sister Alnitak picked up the phone a furious Camilla shouted mad and told her she was a little bitch. I imagined from time to time how it would be when I'd meet my classmates from Tilatá again but I always saw me in a rather better position that O am now. I suffered a lot at Tilatá and in part was because of Camilla, I hate myself and what I’ve become, I hate my lack of courage… my shyness.

I now wish that this day has never begun I want to wake up tomorrow and be Monday morning again so I can do it all over again. Right.

(84 days late)

My ego

I had previously been publishing all this online (my ego!). But now I’m back to the privacy of myself. 

I think it is my duty to inform you that since I was born I have had difficulty relating to other people, mainly because of my eccentricities and behavior, for this reason I have not managed to have the opportunity to meet a single true friend in my life.

I studied in the Tilatá school, behind the western mountains, but for some reason I could not relate to people there. Tired and desperate a change of school came into my life a bit over three years ago.

The change brought both good and hard truths. I first realized that my behavior and way of life, it’s indeed very strange for my peers. But not everything is bad I was able to relate with some other freaks and even identify them as my real friends (for a while)... But life takes hard hits on me and I could not dodge all my misfortune. They turned against me for some undisclosed reason, from one day to another. To the point of having me become my now sworn enemies or taking disgust of my mere presence. Fortunately though I fell back on my feet and managed one of them continues to be a regular acquaintance.

It turns out also, I have a terrible memory, and before I start writing always put the keywords on the topics I want to discuss so avoid that something escapes me. But in time these words lose their meaning as I delve into my writing...  you might occasionally find random words scribble about. I hope you understand. 

I did not have to turn to any hidden powers against Obsidian. Thing I considered after our last encounter, so my karma is rather safe. Obsidian apologized, and I did not offend him further. Peace seems to work, with time, patience and endurance, but it works.

I quit going to IT and Programming courses, I think its best, it might mean I will not do anything with my life, no traveling abroad not anything... but for now I am content to find what is it, it makes me happy.... Yeah right? That's big lie, I feel like I am a failure and with luck I'll make it is a waiter someday. I fight with Valdes; he is sadistic and cruel, besides hates me because I am not very smart. We visited the girls at the Christ King, and surprisingly it was very ... hot? I flirted with a girl just as we came in... But my introversion not allowed me to go much further as to actually changing email addresses... plus people around me where weighing me down, so I ended up feeling like a loser, an imbecile. This day will bring me nightmares, I just want to meet girls and fuck, and then I want to meet someone special.

(22 days late)

Heating socks

It’s nine in the evening listening to Britney and heating my socks on the lamp (It’s so cold!!!). This is not turning out right, Every day I think about it that it fascinates me to see boys with their young bodies all bruised, pants off, crying in the backyard with their underwear up to their shoulders. Like if there wasn't anything else to me...  I read  about breaking the routine and I am craving.

(22 days late)

From what I've seen I would like him (my bully) to value me a little. where he forces me to do his homework and throws dirt at me through my window and makes me do things that I don’ t want to do, things i am too scared to do.

He pushes me all the time but, he cares for me as his special irreplaceable subject to abuse. I want it to be hardcore... real punches, excessive public humiliation, wedgies, swirlies, pantsings, public stripping, kegging, spitting, stuffing things inside my underwear, i day dream he drags me around the school, plays games with me, like I'm a ragdoll or puppy... plus all the shit  Obsidiana gets at school.

(5 days late)