My love, Today I woke up and there it was again…

My love,

Today I woke up and there it was again... that sick, ugly and talentless being... the monster on the mirror.

I wait for you to come, like spring after a deadly cold winter even though I know it doesn’t snow here in hell...

I’m in hell my dear. I’m in hell, and I can’t escape because everyone says I am the one that condemned me here... I don’t understand that.

I’m empty my dear... I’m empty of you, I can’t see you, I can’t feel you... I can’t even dream of you. Where did you go?

I don’t know how else I can say I rather die than wake up tomorrow...

I don’t know how can I express anymore the feeling of absolute emptiness my life is.

I don’t know how I am strong enough to breathe right now…

(18 days late)

Today I’ve realized the word "friend" turns me.

Today I’ve realized the word "friend" turns me.

I’m tired of talking about me, I’m tired of writing, I’m tired of reflecting, of contemplating, of analyzing, of pondering, of distinguishing, and most of all, I’m tired of explaining; I don’t want to explain anything to anyone anymore. I can’t stand one more justification on any subject. It seems like my whole existence is focused on justifying myself in every single aspect. Every meaningless conversation becomes an act of validation of why I do or not do something, why I am or I am not something, why I like or don’t like something. But if I take those actions away then there is just nothing left to talk about… we are all just doing monologues about us and our lives.

I have a really long homework for Tuesday…. Really long tedious work to do… and yet I went out shopping and to watch a movie 

Sighs*

I have no doubt I failed, I failed at everything you can fail at life. God… I think I’ve failed in death too, or otherwise I would be dead already.

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid…

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid… in the rain! Got thoroughly soaked. It was silly and fun, I really enjoyed it.

(7 days late)

Can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money

"We can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money. There was no other way out. Forgive us."

Igor & Lucile Bouryanime. Married couple that committed suicide via hanging in Paris on June 22 of 1970.  

via Les dossiers noirs du suicide by Denis Langlois

I just want to sit down and cry

I just want to sit down and cry, cry my eyes out, I want just to let myself fall on the floor and cry.

Help me.

I’m scarred by experiences and people, a scar so deep and visible I can’t forget it.

I’m so beaten I no longer wish death... because even that seem impossible for me, I’m giving up on everything and everyone around me, but specially I’m giving up on me. – 

Why do I write this?-

(3 days late)

As if things couldn’t be worse

As if things couldn’t be worse, my mom is depressed, and she doesn’t hide it. I’m depressed to, so all I can do is nod along we both just want to throw the towel, just lay on the floor stare to the sky and wait for the earth to devour us slowly and inexorably. I spend hours, that go from 5am to 7pm I haven’t accomplished anything and still feel tired and worn out. I am hopeless... I really don’t wish anything anymore, I don’t care about anything, I don’t want anything, and I don’t want to want... I just don’t care. I need nothingness, I need to fall and become nothing.

I know I have grown more beautiful, I hope it’s not narcissistic of me to say, but I think I am more attractive now, far more attractive than what I would have said I was 5 years ago..

(8 days late)