Have to do it outside less mess.

I have to do what’s right.  At 6 years old I knew there was no place for me.  Who believed my (illegible) best friend girl will not call my mom to answer the Q’s.  I hope she does not hurt.  I’m still alive.  Please know Kathy has the right of attorney over my health and my belongings belong to Kathy Self including the right to a script  and movie and writings, etc.  I love you all too much, it’s one of just of my problems.  Mom!  My brothers you didn’t exist to my heart you never care only about yourselves since 1955, you remember???  Kathy did her best, you didn’t, so she deserves everything.
It goes on for a bit…
3am I can’t miss with a dum dum bullet – Ha! Ha!  Never one knew my pain – for 40 years – or more.  Have to do it outside less mess.

Suicide note of Hervé Villechaize... shot himself on the chest. 1993

Invisible Arts

Invisible Arts

You who sing all my deaths.

You who sing what you don’t trust
to the dream of time,describe the house of emptiness to me,tell me about those words dressed in coffinsthat inhabit my innocence.With all of my deathsI surrender to my death,with fistfuls of childhood,with drunk desires,that didn’t walk under the sun,and there’s no early-rising wordthat gives death reason,and there isn’t a god for dying without a grimace.

Alejandra Pizarnik, Argentina 1936 - 1972

I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, really I just didn’t know.... please forgive all the horrible things I made u feel, please forgive all the awful words I used but most of all please forgive all the things I never did....

I’m no writer, who I am kidding? It’s been 2 weeks with nothing to do but write and I haven’t written a word. I’m no artist, I have been dead inside longer than I can remember...

I feel lonely, and frustrated and hopeless... I feel miserable. And I know misery we spend quite a long time writing an essay about it with my sisters. I’m sorry my sisters, I’ve let you down in so many ways, the same to my father and not to mention my mother’s.... boy I screwed up big time.... I’m so sorry, I couldn’t keep my grades up, and I’m sorry I wasn't able to be the person you needed me to be.

I’m sorry I failed my teachers, I’m sorry I disappointed all my... acquaintances....

I’m sorry god, yes you my dear god, whom I haven’t spoken to since those long rides in my school bus, I’m sorry I never truly learned all u told me... I’m sorry my guardian angel, I worn out your energies to help me.

most of all, I’m sorry my friends, you know who you are even if u don’t who I am, I failed in this life, I just couldn’t make it... I love u with all my soul, with all my being, I hope u find a way forgive me... and I know well meet again in the end and beginning of all times... I may just be a little late.

Finally I feel sorry for myself, yes I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person I dreamt up to be. I’m sorry I let opportunities pass, I’m sorry I let valuable people go, I’m sorry I can’t travel in time and change the past, I’m sorry, o so sorry.... I’m sorry, my dear book, Nikolas, Joan, Eli and Alnitak...I’m sorry I may never finish your story... I’m sorry you’re doomed in oblivion because of my lack of talent, imagination and will...

Please dear reader I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I made you read this, I’m sorry I profaned language in devious and empty words, the only consolation I can give you is... yes teenagers tend to be very dramatic.

(8 days late)

Scared

Bringing to life my book was never easy, I can’t say it just happened and it flowed naturally. I had to work on it so hard I lost hope More than once I’ve thought on giving up on the myth, and writing something else, or even not write at all, a million times I think about the story and I just hate it, or think it should be completely different. I wanted to create a myth, a myth that would explain the deep nature of human kind.

The myth is about, fear, misery, sadness… and love. I never expected it to be a fun story I never expected it to be simple, it’s about a girl is about Nikolas, it’s about her learning process, it about her journey to find what can she ultimately be. It’s about love, it’s about friendship, it’s about trust, and it’s about hope.

I’m scared; I’m really scared, that my dreams may never come true, I’m afraid the story will never be told. I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know if I want a book, or a movie or whatever it is.

I’m so scared I may never even finish it.

(22 days late)