I talk to God but the sky is empty

I am vertical
But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
Sucking up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.
Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and the flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them --
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
Then the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.

Sylvia Plath committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning and was found with her head in the oven, having sealed the rooms between her and her sleeping children with tape, towels and cloths. She was 30 years old. 

And yet everything remained to be done and nothing had been completed.

 

He had always been driven by his true and steadfast purposes. For forty years his mission was his life and his life was his mission. And yet everything remained to be done and nothing had been completed.

 -  from The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson by Carson McCullers

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

The idea of ​​suicide

The idea of ​​suicide has come back to mind, fortunately was defeated with the idea of ​​escape. I think it all started with The Lord of the Rings, when I read these stories I am can't help feeling unhappy with my life.

I 'm being decadent, smoking a cigarette in a corner at the table. I hate everything I am, what I think, what I like. I'm acting like a drunk depressed middle aged man when I have no reason to be, and could leave the room and watch a movie with my mom ... but I don’t feel like it, I just want to relax and clear my mind(who would say I'm on vacation) what is happening to me? For now I just want to practice my typewriting, it’s a bit slow and I need to improve it... maybe if I keep practicing…

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now. I just feel I could do so much if I had him next to me, my best friend. I feel it could all be so easy and so simple, I could improve many things. I need you...

I’ve been talking to Xag, why the hell? I keep treating him... me… as another person, people say you should always be your best friend, but I think I'm separating the Xag side of me to become my best friend ... I want to be him, but he knows too much ... I asked him to cry with me, crying for being alone with not best friend, but he only responded with phrases like "you know you'll have it.”.

Why is he separating from me? He must have a weakness ... I see his eyes are watery, he hurts for me, cries for me....

Ok this is crazy talk... I see a person sit there and mourn and I desperately want to be him. I just want that. I hate my life ... I’d better go to sleep…

(4 days late)