You are Cruel…

“You are Cruel… you and your black watery eyes… yet a hidden smile behind… You know you enjoy seeing me suffering for you… You know you receive delight in me stretching my hand into the abyss to hold you up… pleasure in my anguish, my pain.”

Life is cruel….

I don’t know how else to say it, so I’ll just say it… my sis told me she is going to kill herself… that’s right, she told me, she came to me while I was on the pc and told me… half hour later we were all watching TV re-runs…

I was… a jerk at first… then; I came to my sense… and became someone who I am really not sure it was me… I gave the lecture… yes that lecture everyone has been giving me since my last post. I was convincing her not to do it… I let her down completely; I was big bro to the rescue… “We love you” “there are dreams” “you can’t do this to us”

Then… I recommended a book… a book that really has helped me, but I won’t say which because its corny and I don’t want to feel that way… and finally, I just asked not to do it at home… because it would be too much of a trauma… god… I’m handling all wrong.

Worst she asked me not to tell anyone… and I’ve kept my word.

I feel, like, she has just changed the all my conceptions on who I am and what am I supposed to do… I haven’t done anything yet! I’m so weak… I can’t, I just can’t figure out

(19 days late)

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Hardlife

 "LIFE

The only thing more inevitable than death is life, says a popular saying; nothing is more inevitable than life; it is impossible not to live; It is the only thing that exists. It is so impossible to stop living, that it overwhelms, there is no respite or pause. Life continually tells you; I am everything there is, everything that exists, there is nothing outside of me, everything exists for me, if I don't exist nothing exists. "

Don Duravida 

God I must be boring…

God I must be boring…

My mom, has been on the phone for hours yapping about this kid… teen, the poor guy is studying overseas… what trauma… and his mom has apparently messed him up by telling him how he can’t be depressed… and he is indirectly screaming for help… apparently he was a jock at school… but now he is well… just a Latino… man the world sucks…

I mean Common!!! I’m your son here! and I’m not mentally healthy either… god… 

I have been nauseous all day… I saw The Lord of the Flies… I thought… boys + shirtless + beach… But it so wasn’t like that… mankind, human beings in general are disgusting beings. Boys are something that just shouldn’t be… Piggy…. I felt so bad for him… and Simon… if I had to choose to be one of them I would take him; I would like to be him…

I feel like crying so badly tonight… I have to read this book.

I must accept I’m not perfect…. I never will be….

I must accept I’m alone… I will forever be…

I must accept… That this life is just not worth it…

I need to think this carefully again… find some poison, and do it… why poison? Because’ I’m a coward… yes… and start writing that note… I think what been keeping me from doing it for almost 10 years is that… I never had a note… I had the knife, the poison, the timing... but not the note…

“I'm a writer. If I was going to kill myself, I would've written one hell of a suicide note.”

Chloe Sullivan

(15 days late)

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Grated Carrot

 Grated Carrot

The first suicide is unique.
They always ask you if it was an accident
or a sincere proposition of death.
They shove a tube up your nose,
hard,
it hurts,
and you learn to not disturb the neighbors.
When you begin to explain that
death-actually-seemed-like-the-only-way-out
or that you did it
to-fuck-up-your-husband-and-your-family
they have all turned their backs
and are watching the transparent tube,
retrieving the parade of your last supper.
Betting on whether its noodles or fried rice.
The doctor on duty coldly tells them:
it’s grated carrot.
“Disgusting,“ says the nurse with big lips.
They disposed of me furiously
because no one won the bet.
The saline dispersed quickly
and ten minutes later,
I was back at my house.
No space to mourn
nor time to feel cold and tremble.
People are unconcerned with death that comes from loving too much.
Child’s play
they say
as if children killed themselves every day.
I looked in Hammett for this exact page:
never tell a word about your life
in any book,
if you can help it.

Miyo Vestrini, died by suicide on November 29, 1991, at 53. Cut her veins. 

Much like in school…

Much like in school… On my free time in collage I wonder down the hallways… I’m telling you this is sad… and it’s not getting better… I think everyone by my age has friend… I’m still a virgin… not only sexually, but emotionally, and even socially… I haven’t lived at all… I’m a virgin in life… and that it’s just a waste...…

I’m not drowning anymore… I think I hit bottom long time ago… and I’m just a dead corpse floating… waiting, till someone decides to sink it…

Yes, I’m not a savior, I’m a victim, and I need to be saved… it’s my life… yes... I’m a fucking needed person… and I can’t help myself, I’m impaired… not physically but in will… I just don’t have any will left… to do anything… I’m just stranded…. Left behind…

Thinking about it

Thinking about it, I am poor… 

Because I need so many things;

I need to pretend I’m going to fall in love and kiss someone. I need to imagine a pretend I’m going to write this novel; I need to imagine I’m going to be rich and successful.

I need to act as if I’m cute, no matter how much Photoshop I have to use to achieve it. I need to keep on drawing and creating as if I believed I’m talented at it. 

I need to stop complaining. I need to clean up. I need to do all the things I have yet to do. I need to do Stuff; I need to feel stuff… I need to believe I’m cool, even though I’m not. ‘ I need to ignore my countries social situation and feel safe in the street, I need to download cool music, even if it’s illegal, I need to watch more movies even if I feel I’m going to puke when doing it, I need to read more books. I need to change my view towards my career not as a burden but as a little annoying thing I just happen to have to do… like taking out the trash.

I know I’m getting dumber as I grow older… I guess it is true adults are just plain stupider.

I know I’m too old to keep up a journal like this, I’m not a teen anymore and all this personal issues should have been resolved by now, I should be working now and debating politics or something.

I need to be cool grown up; I was never a cool kid, nor a cool adolescent, so I owe it to myself to be a cool adult at least.

I guess all I’ve been saying here is… maybe this diary needs to disappear for now. Maybe it’s time to end it, maybe it’s time to let it go… maybe I need to stop doing things 15 year olds do…

Maybe I should stop wearing t shirts and jeans… cut my hair short, stop wasting my money in comics and action figures, and also stop wasting my time on superheroes cartoons. I should stop buying CDs, and lusting of teen Emo bands.

… I remember this day in school, where our Spanish teacher (who really hated me btw) asked us to imagine ourselves in the year 2000. I was so sure I was not going to be around when that happened. 

I can’t honestly see myself next year…

I need to change… I just don’t know how… is giving up on everything the only way? Can’t I be a superheroes geek and not be incredibly pathetic. Can I be lonely person and not be pathetic… can I be broke and not be pathetic…

Honestly all I need is money… people with money can be whatever they want, but I don’t have money, I’m poor bastard… yes lets finally accept it I’m poor compared to how rich I need to be to be myself. 

The fact I think this way proves how poor I am.

It’s all a problem of money? Yes

It’s all a problem of what can we afford and what we can’t… I can’t afford pretending I’m a teen, because if I’m not loaded it feels incredibly shameful and humiliating. I can’t afford being a superheroes geek and live in a rat hole, because it sounds completely absurd. I can’t afford being ameinian because I need a lot of money to look remotely decent.

So yes the thing is I can’t afford being who I want to be. I can’t afford being who I am right now...

Wow, I read this and I can’t believe this is what I’m saying… 

Worst of all this... Is that I could solve most of these problems by killing myself, but I haven’t done it and probably never will…

I’m weak, yes that’s my main flaw, I’m incredibly weak… not only physically, but emotionally and in my personality in general… I’m weak, terribly weak.

I should have thought about it before being born in misery

April 3^rd, 2006

(3 days late)