Thinking about it

Thinking about it, I am poor… 

Because I need so many things;

I need to pretend I’m going to fall in love and kiss someone. I need to imagine a pretend I’m going to write this novel; I need to imagine I’m going to be rich and successful.

I need to act as if I’m cute, no matter how much Photoshop I have to use to achieve it. I need to keep on drawing and creating as if I believed I’m talented at it. 

I need to stop complaining. I need to clean up. I need to do all the things I have yet to do. I need to do Stuff; I need to feel stuff… I need to believe I’m cool, even though I’m not. ‘ I need to ignore my countries social situation and feel safe in the street, I need to download cool music, even if it’s illegal, I need to watch more movies even if I feel I’m going to puke when doing it, I need to read more books. I need to change my view towards my career not as a burden but as a little annoying thing I just happen to have to do… like taking out the trash.

I know I’m getting dumber as I grow older… I guess it is true adults are just plain stupider.

I know I’m too old to keep up a journal like this, I’m not a teen anymore and all this personal issues should have been resolved by now, I should be working now and debating politics or something.

I need to be cool grown up; I was never a cool kid, nor a cool adolescent, so I owe it to myself to be a cool adult at least.

I guess all I’ve been saying here is… maybe this diary needs to disappear for now. Maybe it’s time to end it, maybe it’s time to let it go… maybe I need to stop doing things 15 year olds do…

Maybe I should stop wearing t shirts and jeans… cut my hair short, stop wasting my money in comics and action figures, and also stop wasting my time on superheroes cartoons. I should stop buying CDs, and lusting of teen Emo bands.

… I remember this day in school, where our Spanish teacher (who really hated me btw) asked us to imagine ourselves in the year 2000. I was so sure I was not going to be around when that happened. 

I can’t honestly see myself next year…

I need to change… I just don’t know how… is giving up on everything the only way? Can’t I be a superheroes geek and not be incredibly pathetic. Can I be lonely person and not be pathetic… can I be broke and not be pathetic…

Honestly all I need is money… people with money can be whatever they want, but I don’t have money, I’m poor bastard… yes lets finally accept it I’m poor compared to how rich I need to be to be myself. 

The fact I think this way proves how poor I am.

It’s all a problem of money? Yes

It’s all a problem of what can we afford and what we can’t… I can’t afford pretending I’m a teen, because if I’m not loaded it feels incredibly shameful and humiliating. I can’t afford being a superheroes geek and live in a rat hole, because it sounds completely absurd. I can’t afford being ameinian because I need a lot of money to look remotely decent.

So yes the thing is I can’t afford being who I want to be. I can’t afford being who I am right now...

Wow, I read this and I can’t believe this is what I’m saying… 

Worst of all this... Is that I could solve most of these problems by killing myself, but I haven’t done it and probably never will…

I’m weak, yes that’s my main flaw, I’m incredibly weak… not only physically, but emotionally and in my personality in general… I’m weak, terribly weak.

I should have thought about it before being born in misery

April 3^rd, 2006

(3 days late)