Bad habit

I think vomiting when thinking about your own existence is a bad habit. 

(20 days late)

Medellin

The prince has asked me to join him a in a little trip to Medellin... which I think  means something like going to Vegas or something... lots of drinking parties and orgies. And I think that’s what he wants (except for the parties he is no the party kind of guy) I already told him, I’m too stressed over to go... but he insists. I like it he insists... 

So the problem is mainly that I am torn between my rational wanting to go (I do want to be the kind of guy who goes on a trip with someone... sometime)... and the mood of going (which I’m honestly not into most of the time). I keep debating with myself over this issue...

(80 days late)

I’m destroying myself for him.

Right now I feel I’m destroying myself for him... I’m writing love letters to him... and as they go on and on...  I am more and more convinced that I don’t love him or that he doesn’t love me... I’m falling out of love... and I will go back to being doomed...

I should be telling him how much I love him, how much I want him, how much I wish he will be happy. How much I don’t want to hurt him, how much I wish I was his confident, how much I wish I did not make a video of everything we discuss.

He needs someone that would make him smile, not exasperate him, he needs someone who he can make love to every so often... someone that can invite him over his apartment all the time. Who can drive him to school.... ok maybe he doesn’t need to... maybe he just deserves to. Someone who can spoil him. If I was him... that’s what I would aim for, he deserves it... and he can get it...

I’m doing it his way, I’m going to have random sex today, for the very first time in my life, I just called someone for sex... someone I don’t really have feelings for. Just someone for sex... get it over with. Just not be passionate, not be in love... don’t make a video out of it. Why do I wish the prince the will call me and say... no Xag, don’t do it... or better yet... here: take this advice...?

I keep... screaming at you...

I keep... screaming to you... the universe... through comics; through stories, through the things you loved... everything.

Love is... Lois and Clark... Barbie and ken... They go through all kinds of incarnations, events, situations... just see each other, to meet each other, over and over and over again... because they love it so much.

Don’t expect the truth Xag.... don’t expect it to be revealed to you... you expect happiness... you expect nothingness... you expect, absolute and the divine... don’t expect. 

Choose... if you want those things you will have them, you can create them, you can choose them.

Don’t be stupid... don’t be an idiot! I know you like to hear the prince talk, let him teach you, but doesn’t pretend you don’t know… when you do. 

Sounds tough to hear it... but I speak so much to you... it hurts me you don’t listen. Yes gods can be hurt.

Ask the marquise de Sade girl out. Tell the prince first. He is amazing... you’ve seen him; you are getting to know him. 

Listen to Len. You’ve seen his wisdom too... his experience... yes its weird how many people choose to feel like you do... and yes you have chosen to do so.

You are free... you chose everything, everything in this moment, everything you have made, you have chosen.

Apologize.

Don’t let the world frighten you... you are beyond it. That’s what brings suffering to those you admire; they are frightened about the world. Don’t fear it, embrace it... I say this, because I know this is what you want. I know you think about suicide, I know you think about pain... but you are so desperately in search of life.

Publish that damn suicide letter… you are never going to use it.

Be smart... be conscious.... listen to people. Trust your instincts... don’t wait for someone to kiss you... Kiss someone.

Keep sharing yourself... you are in the right way, follow your own advise.... speak words that are true... think them carefully... do not fear silence.

Don’t expect immediate changes. Don’t expect your life to change after this, read it... re-read it.... re read your life... read this stupid diary! Read your book!

want to be suicidal... then be it... but be the kind of suicidal you wish to be... a happy one... want to cut yourself and be an addict... but then be the kind of addict you want to be... a sane one. Be who you want to be... doing expect to become, just be!

How do you do this?

By making choices, by doing the homework when you are supposed to be doing, it, by listening to other people. By asking them questions... people miss so much of each other by not asking simple questions... like... do you believe in god? Or... what do you feel when you taste candy?

Don’t be afraid to be intense, be cautious on when are you not being who you are.

Just read this words, because they are wise, you are wise, don’t analyze of they are true or not, if they are mine or not... just think about them, just read them again...print them out.

Xag. You are close to me. Xag, you are beautiful... I know you think its freaking lie, but I wouldn’t be saying it if you really didn’t to hear it. And it seems you need to hear it from me, because you won’t hear it from anyone else. You are beautiful and you do deserve someone you think is beautiful. Now Stop procrastinating and choose what you have to do.

(1 day late)

We tend to search a lot for meaning

We tend to search a lot for meaning. making sure everything we do makes sense in one way or another…. and the clue word is sense… sense because we have to know we are going somewhere, not just going in circles. My ethics teacher claims to possess de knowledge of the sense of life… isn’t it strange that “sense” can be felt? I feel like that something makes sense or that it doesn’t… 

It’s not a completely logical process, especially when someone explains their emotions things either make sense or they don’t… decisions in life wither make sense or they don’t… relationships either make sense or they don’t. We search for meaning, we are actually looking for sense… the real question every couple should ask themselves is… do we make sense? 

Now you could say: hey! Love doesn’t make sense! Its love!

Bullshit… 

I don’t believe in love that way… love for it to be love has to build, that means that there is no contradiction in within, contradictions destroy.

(2 days late)

Dream Damn It, Dream!!

Not just try to dream... don’t attempt to dream... just dream...

How do you build dreams? I’ve done this before... I just need... inspiration...

What’s a dream really? Idealization of a future that’s not going to come? 

No… 

Dreams are a force of life, its potential of free will, it’s how we can make choices... they do not determine our choices, dreams fuel them...

Let’s start with an easier exercise... what were my dreams?

I wanted to have magical powers when I turned 16 

I wanted to have a Gameboy and play all Pokémon games...

I wanted to own the 1984 hall of justice from Kenner

I wanted to study abroad

I wanted to get some time off studying

I wanted to write my book

I wanted to finish my book

I wanted to have friends at least two

I wanted to collect the JLU/SuperPowers action figures

I wanted to go backpacking to Europe

I’m crying over this... which is so strange because I haven’t really written much... I just wanted to be so much better to what I am now...

And all of these dreams I never accomplished... and they should have been accomplished by now... because honestly... 

I just don’t see any of it... I don’t want to get older... every time I think that far ahead for real, there are the words "he committed suicide 5 or 10 year ago¨ 

Either leave him... or change myself...

Either leave him... or change myself...

I had never, ever, stayed with someone outside till 1am talking... and we talked... my biggest fear is that… we are going to say everything that there’s to say to soon... and we will eventually run out of things to say...

I know he needs someone better than me, he won’t admit it, I just wish I could do something for him... but he is like... so grounded, smart... , and I don’t feel like I’m really giving him anything... he doesn’t need anything I have...

"If someone doesn’t love you at your worse... they don’t deserve you at your best"...

But what if he doesn’t like me at my best? 

 They do not inspire me with disgust, but with an immense pity. Among all the mysteries of human life there is one which I have penetrated; our great torment in this existence comes from the fact that we are eternally alone -- all our efforts and all our actions are directed toward escaping this solitude.

On January 2, 1892, de Maupassant attempted suicide by cutting his throat.  He was committed to the celebrated private asylum of Dr. Esprit Blanche at Passy, in Paris, where he died on July 6, 1893, at the age of 43.

To my mother

To my mother

I have life, I have gaps, I have what I want,

I have scars, deep wounds, immense pain,

I have my nostalgia, my questions, my affections.

You left to punish us all,

to mark your territory with the weight of your final absence,

to kill us too.

I died in you

you killed me

you evicted my life with your death,

imposed, impossible, final.

Every day every night,

every day every night,

your memory is never alone

there is always you and your death,

your hand stretched out in the empty space

so purple, so cold,

your mouth ajar,

the sound of your dead chest.

You didn't leave me alone

you just left me without you and with your death,

violent, simple, provoked.

"Only optimists commit suicide," they say.

I believe

What did you think was going to happen?

What were you going to find?

Didn't mother tell you that there is no beyond?

You condemned yourself too,

you took off,

You killed me, you evicted him, you killed them, we got lost,

You turned off your light very early.

With your last act,

sublime act of selfishness,

you gave me full hands.

Who would believe it mother?

Who would believe that you could give birth to me twice?

I hold on to the facts

your body, dead and decomposed is in a grave,

your soul does not exist.

Who do I talk to when I talk to you?

You are memory.

I have my affections, my questions, my nostalgia,

immense pains, deep wounds,

scars,

what I wish,

empty,

life.

I have life.

Maria G

Can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money

"We can't do it anymore; we have no strength, no health, no money. There was no other way out. Forgive us."

Igor & Lucile Bouryanime. Married couple that committed suicide via hanging in Paris on June 22 of 1970.  

via Les dossiers noirs du suicide by Denis Langlois

The end of our elaborate plans

"This is the end, beautiful friendThis is the end, my only friendThe end of our elaborate plansThe end of everything that standsThe end
No safety or surpriseThe endI'll never look into your eyes again" 

- Marilyn Manson

Grated Carrot

 Grated Carrot

The first suicide is unique.
They always ask you if it was an accident
or a sincere proposition of death.
They shove a tube up your nose,
hard,
it hurts,
and you learn to not disturb the neighbors.
When you begin to explain that
death-actually-seemed-like-the-only-way-out
or that you did it
to-fuck-up-your-husband-and-your-family
they have all turned their backs
and are watching the transparent tube,
retrieving the parade of your last supper.
Betting on whether its noodles or fried rice.
The doctor on duty coldly tells them:
it’s grated carrot.
“Disgusting,“ says the nurse with big lips.
They disposed of me furiously
because no one won the bet.
The saline dispersed quickly
and ten minutes later,
I was back at my house.
No space to mourn
nor time to feel cold and tremble.
People are unconcerned with death that comes from loving too much.
Child’s play
they say
as if children killed themselves every day.
I looked in Hammett for this exact page:
never tell a word about your life
in any book,
if you can help it.

Miyo Vestrini, died by suicide on November 29, 1991, at 53. Cut her veins. 

Life seems sometimes like set of new beginnings... but oddly enough there is rarely a matching set of endings.

Life seems sometimes like set of new beginnings... but oddly enough there is rarely a matching set of endings. 

Life is like a very bad soap, with a "to be continued" sign every night when we go to sleep... what I found so depressing about this, is how pointless and inconclusive the story really is. That "to be continued" is not going anywhere, its empty, you are either lost on what’s going to happen or even worse, u know nothing is going to happen.... I find myself wishing things would just end, so I could start again, so I could do it differently, so I could be different…

(30 days late)

Suicide Incorporated

"You’re the twenty-eight. And hey -- that’s fine; you post an opening for an editor of suicide notes, you kinda anticipate an eclectic applicant pool. But I don’t need someone coming to an interview dressed in goth..."

from SUICIDE, INCORPORATED
a play by Andrew Hinderaker

Alone

As a flashback, yesterday at lunch I remembered, a three day field trip I did with my schoolmates in sixth grade, it had been buried in my mind for a long time...

It was a cute 12 years old, with some serious problems... I would not let myself be happy, and when I knew of that trip, there was no exception. I didn’t want to go and I made a boring face the entire trip... yet what I remember most about that experience was my rush on Cloud 9 and how I was always trying to be with her...

I also remember the other boys in my class... they were very happy. I remember Simon... he was so extroverted, and care free... I remember him being pushed into the pool and being totally soaked. I remembered how girls looked at him (geez, how pathetic is this getting). Anyway, I did get to spend a big deal of time with the girls and my "friends".

I also remember we went rafting, and I didn’t want to do it... and they practically forced me to do it... it was great of course. It was an opportunity. There in that trip I could have done stuff… kissed her. Jump in.

My point here is, how many times have I had great opportunities and by some reason not make them a great experience. Am, I just too dull to be happy...

why couldn’t I be excited about stuff, y couldn’t I be eager to do things that are so much fun...why am I alone, when there has been so many people in my life that could make it so much better.

Why am I alone... all the time?

The truth is that I’ve had all the material to have written myself a great happy life, I’ve had the opportunities the people, the experiences, yet all I seem to make put of them is something to be forgotten.

I learned my parents met in a funeral, how Goth is that? I was born in kind of wealthy opus die family, I’m a Virgo... I went to one of the most exclusive special schools in the country, it was hidden in the mountains and had river by its side.

I had the chance to be in a classic British boarding school for a glorious summer, I visited most rural places in my country, my family owns a retired country house in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains, with every luxury u can imagine...

I have twin sisters, that are into-Goth-metal. I love design.

The first book I read was "the riders of eternity"... I’m into superheroes, I’m into magic... I had a Saint Seiya - Pokémon- Harry Potter packed schooldays....

I went to one of the oldest tradition schools in the country (350yrs old... and it’s also right next to a cemetery). I have fallen in crush-love with a girl and with a boy.... I have car I can’t drive and a computer in my room.

I‘ve been into the DC Universe since I can remember, I love to write, and I’ve been writing a book for a year and a half... and I’m still on the first chapter. I have imaginary friends, I believe in god...

Yet now... that my life has gone where it’s supposed to go... I am alone... I am bored...

(142 days late)

This is not a world to live forever

 This is not a world to live forever.
- H.R. Haggard

Here I am in collage... alone

Here i am, in collage... alone, yes all alone. isnt it sad?

well, ive been writing reading, everithing necesary to be somewhat interesting.... not that i diont do these just for that. I truly like to read and write and say uinteresting stuff, and i enjoy art.... i really enjoy art. anyway, I really think i might be in the worng place -like always- 

Today ive found how almost everyone u can tlk to, can be a really interesting person.... yet i havent got a chance to click with anyone.

is there something wrong with me?... am i really a bad person and i cant see it?

man, im frustrated right now, im lost, im confused, im really out of my mind. i dont know wot else to do.... i want to *be* with someone. 

Its not like im alone ina corner, but everymorning when i get to class, i have noone to si besides to.

this is confusing post, yet i need to say something.... i have a lot of things to say and no one to say them to, and it seem thet just telling them to myself, is just not enough enymore.

(134 days late)

Almost

No one is alone

At this very moment 
there is a man 
who suffers, 
a man tortured
only for loving freedom. 
I ignore where he lives, 
what language he speaks, 
or what color is his skin, 
how he is called, 
but at this same moment, 
when your eyes read my small poem, 
that man exists, 
he screams, 
it is possible to hear hi harassed animal weeping, 
while he bites his lips not to denounce his friends. 
Do you hear? A single man,
handcuffed, screaming, 
exists somewhere. Did I say alone? 
Don´t you feel, like me, the pain, 
the pain of its body repeated in yours? 
Isn't your blood flowing under the blind blows? 
Nobody is alone. 
Now, at this very moment, 
You and me are handcuffed too.

José Agustín Goytisolo 

On March 19, 1999, The poet  José Agustín Goytisolo learned to fly, forever,

by jumping into the the void from the balcony of his house.

Lemmings

"We must consider suicide as an exclusively human behavior, since man, unlike other animals, can cease to exist at will following a premeditated act. In order to be able to speak of animal suicide, there must be an awareness of the irreversibility of the act and of the death that will follow. Except for the human being we cannot affirm that in the animal world there is this certainty about the finitude of its existence. The animal does not recognize itself as mortal, and does not know that it is going to die, therefore He cannot think about his death, nor wish it, nor plan it, nor finally carry it to completion. "

Ginés Jesús Llorca Díez