And I almost ran out of faith... and I almost ran out of love.
The year I took a bus, the year I had sex, the year I fell in love, The year of Len, of josh... and the Prince, the year harry potter ended, the year of the golden compass, the year of my suicide...
I was going to join him and his guys as they have a drink at the Francesa... and it turned out that I not being with them was a relief...
I was going to wait for the prince to teach me about Paul Klee, Andy Warhol, and Marcel Duchamp... I don’t think he really wants me to know... maybe he just think I’m too dumb to understand...
I was going to Play Final Fantasy VII, Zelda... I apparently I’m also to dumb undisciplined for this...
I was going to get him, gunged and slimed....
I was going to go out with him... Daniel and Aiacos, watch them fight... I ruined this... by being myself... he will never let me see them again... god... I was surrounded by people like them my entire school... and never enjoyed it... I wanted to... I just never knew how... I wanted him to teach me how.... I so wanted to have friends... and not feel old... I want to be reckless and immature... tell them about my wedgies, my fetishes... tell them about our sex... I want to fight you in the mud my prince... or at least watch them... but no.... it’s too late and I wrecked it... now they think only awful things about me...
I was going to wait and see if we draw together... he was going to teach me... and I feel I can’t draw anymore...
He was going to explain me about the Surrealist Revolution...
He was going to teach me French, Japanese and Hebrew from him... I don’t even know how was this ever going to happen...
He was going to introduce me to Natalia as she introduced him her new girlfriend... but I somehow convinced him I just don’t know how to have fun... and maybe I don’t...
He was going to teach me about indie rock... He doesn’t share his music... my fault... for handing back a headphone.
We were going to watch shotacon together... and I turned out to be a fucking asexual... uncomfortable to be around with....
We were going to go out and get wet in the rain: he doesn’t enjoy it... he just feels ugly and uncomfortable... I felt old...
We were going to have proper sex... and I apparently have the sexual age of an 8 year old... I don’t watch porn...
We were going to see the golden compass... he hated going to the movies with me...
We were going to play board games with my sisters... he hates playing games...
We were going to take glamour pictures of us... I’m an awful photographer... I disappointed him so badly last time...
We were going to go and see Adolf... I will feel ugly while doing so...
So what exactly the New Year holds for me?
Getting kidnapped to Sweden
Getting a double grad program in Spain
Getting a summer job in the us
This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted
New plans to make and disappoint him... new ways of do self-sabotage... All this is product of me missing him... I miss him to much... it’s starting to hurt me... maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to send me a text message on the cellphone... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to let me be with him on his birthday... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to comment on MySpace... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to want me to join him to wherever he goes... maybe he just doesn’t love me enough to answer my emails (its only polite)... maybe he doesn’t love me enough to push me... and teach me how to enjoy the things he enjoys...
What I really want with this entry is to make all of the said above to happen... not plant it and force it to happen... but just tell the universe... I want this to happen!!! I need this... because I don’t feel like killing myself anymore... I feel like wanting to live... just a little bit...
In wonderland
It’s not a whim...
It not... I'm not... little boy that whines, because life sucks, because no one understands him...
I am losing my mind...
I don't think it’s my secret desire to be special... to feel special , it’s not I'm pretending to be something I'm not.... I'm truly losing my mid... It just stops making sense sometimes, like, if my train of thoughts started going in circles...
it been going on for some times... its stare with me wondering around the house, just walking... people in school used to mention I spoke to myself, this was never intentional, I am never aware of this... but I do. My little sister notices sometimes... she finds it funny...
Lately, it’s been getting worse.
I'm dropping things all over the place... I was the neatest guy ever, it was psychotic... my room now... is a disaster... peopled asks me for things, I hand them something else... I can’t seem to keep a pen with me over a week... I forget to do homework's... I literally forgot the face of my teacher...
I never remember to put the milk back in the fridge... everyone snaps at me.
I find myself asking myself... what I was thinking. What am I doing? What am I saying?
Today the creepiest thing happened... I called the prince on the phone... I just forgot, what I was going to tell him... it took me a while before I started making any sense... he noticed...
Not having the cell phone at hand... also relieves me from the remorse of not calling anyone to say good bye...
I failed again... I know...
but I'm not planning months ahead, it’s just a week... soon it will be days... the I will be planning for tomorrow... and then... then I will make it...
I can kill myself, I can do it....
I can, I can... I can...
See... I'm spinning again? Maybe this is why I can‘t writes a lineal story any more... my book... I can’t seem to focus and tell the story form beginning to end... neither on video... things is becoming increasingly abstract...
I was a very reserved person... now I'm telling the entire class that I'm suicidal, now, I'm showing my half naked boyfriend to the world... I say the most inappropriate things in the library....
I'm so... anguished... so....
I've been writing this entry for a week...
(59 days late)
