Absurd, that is what it is: absurd.
The absurdity of my life ... wow, It’s been a while since I wrote in Spanish for myself and only to myself I feel weird ... English has become the language with which I talk about myself and the truth be told I'm not very good at it.
I feel defeated, finished as dried fruit, as wet bread ... repulsive, worthless and disposable. To say that death is all I wish for would only be repeating something I have always known.
I Failed ... Yes, today he finally said it, "He" told me ... You Failed ... I will not thrive. I will die, and go ... I will be ignored and forgotten...
With you I am not myself, without you ... and I cannot be. ... Yes, I've lost my mind.
I screwed up I know I screwed up ... I feel so, AGH! .... I’m a looser a complete looser, I lost.
1. So ... How it feels like to be a looser?
How do you think it feels...?
2. You hoped to be one someday?
The truth is--- yes, I’ve always expected to be a loser ... always ... I don’t know what prevented me to see I already was one really.
3. You always thought you were a loser?
Sure.... How could I not be? Everything has always been ... a great loss.
4. What are you doing tomorrow?
LOL, that’s funny, I will not do anything because there's nothing I can do ... I'm tired.
5. Or not doing the slightest effort to get over it?
No ... the truth is, it does not matter ... the truth is I've reached bottom...
6. And no one cares?
No one.... not enough to help me or drag me. ... Not that I would allow it ... what a loser does is to keep himself lost...
7. You hate yourself?
Sure ... but not that I even that I care ... I just want to go.
9. This is insane...
A statement or a question?
10. It is an affirmation. Do you repent at all what you have just written?
Of course I regret it... but it makes no difference. I will stay where I am... I have no motivation for anything else.
11. Could it be you’re afraid of something else??
It’s the same thing anyways, wither its fear of a lack of motivations ... I do nothing.
12. How did you know you were a loser?
"He" told me
13. "He"? As in God?
Yes, as in god ... he told me, he confessed the truth, after asking him too much he showed me the reality, He took off the bandage that hopes and dreams are.
14. You realize how absurd it sounds like this?
You really hope something from this interview to make any sense?
15. Guess not.... in which way you experience your failure?
In every time I think about what I’ve started and did not finish... in everything I finished and it was not the best it could be, and in everything I never started at all. ... There are a thousand and one ways of saying the same thing...
16. How does it feel like to be you?
Empty... It is not painful, but it is not nice... just empty.
Maybe there is a feeling that something is over your head about to fall ... a great joy or a great sadness
17. What would you say to anyone in this situation?
Mmmm.... Nothing, certainly not a soul would care for what I have to say.
(7 days late)
