Medellin

The prince has asked me to join him a in a little trip to Medellin... which I think  means something like going to Vegas or something... lots of drinking parties and orgies. And I think that’s what he wants (except for the parties he is no the party kind of guy) I already told him, I’m too stressed over to go... but he insists. I like it he insists... 

So the problem is mainly that I am torn between my rational wanting to go (I do want to be the kind of guy who goes on a trip with someone... sometime)... and the mood of going (which I’m honestly not into most of the time). I keep debating with myself over this issue...

(80 days late)

Either leave him... or change myself...

Either leave him... or change myself...

I had never, ever, stayed with someone outside till 1am talking... and we talked... my biggest fear is that… we are going to say everything that there’s to say to soon... and we will eventually run out of things to say...

I know he needs someone better than me, he won’t admit it, I just wish I could do something for him... but he is like... so grounded, smart... , and I don’t feel like I’m really giving him anything... he doesn’t need anything I have...

"If someone doesn’t love you at your worse... they don’t deserve you at your best"...

But what if he doesn’t like me at my best? 

 They do not inspire me with disgust, but with an immense pity. Among all the mysteries of human life there is one which I have penetrated; our great torment in this existence comes from the fact that we are eternally alone -- all our efforts and all our actions are directed toward escaping this solitude.

On January 2, 1892, de Maupassant attempted suicide by cutting his throat.  He was committed to the celebrated private asylum of Dr. Esprit Blanche at Passy, in Paris, where he died on July 6, 1893, at the age of 43.

I feel like if someone had tripped me, and I tumbled over...

I feel like if someone had tripped me, and I tumbled over...

I just don’t know who?

Probably myself...

I don’t really know what to do next... I don’t even know what I am going to do the next hour... go to class or go home... I don’t know if I should remove illustrations, or videos... I hate them all so much... I don’t know if should publish my journal entries or not...

I don’t know, if I should keep on writing or give up already and try something else, I don’t know if should cut my hair or leave it as it is... I don’t know if I should keep on trying photography, or devote myself to manga.

I don’t know if should delete some of my contacts, I don’t know if I should date girls or boys... or stop dating at all... I don’t know if I should just lock myself at home alone... Should I get job, or try and make it on my own... should in stick to my dreams, or accept my life as it is and move ahead with it... I don’t know I f a should still believe in love... or in god... or in magic... or in anything at all

(29 days late)

The end of our elaborate plans

"This is the end, beautiful friendThis is the end, my only friendThe end of our elaborate plansThe end of everything that standsThe end
No safety or surpriseThe endI'll never look into your eyes again" 

- Marilyn Manson

I can see it so clearly

I can see it so clearly, in 2 or three years, right after finishing collage... I am going to be so lost; I’m no journalist, but that’s my career… and people will ask me "why don’t you change? Why don’t you change your career? Why don’t you make new friends? Why do you finish your book?" 

And I’ll have to answer something lame like 

"It’s like being lost inside a forest, a thick forest, and I’ve been shown a path, not a clear path but like the trace someone left behind, and I’ve been following it for ages and it hasn’t got me anywhere, now, impulsive, decided and strong people would notice that and would leave the path and make their own way, but me, I’m not smart enough or brave enough to leave the path I’ve been shown, even if I know it’s only going in circles... I just can’t"

(1 day late)

To everyone

To everyoneBlame no one for my death, and please don’t gossip. The deceased really hated gossip.Mama, my sisters and comrades, forgive me-this is not a good method (I don’t recommend any others) but I have no other way out.Lili-Iove me.Comrade government, my family is Lili Brik, mama, my sisters and Veronika Vitoldovna Polonskaya.If you grant them a bearable life-thank you.Give the unfinished poems to the Briks, they understand them.   As they say-      «the game is over»love’s boat has smashed against the reef of the everyday.   I’m quits with life   And there is no reason   To keep a record of pains cares and quarrels.Be happy,
Comrades in VAPP, don’t call me a faintheartSeriously -there was nothing else to doGreetingsTell Yermilov I’m sorry I took the placard down, ought to have had our quarrel out   There are 2,000 rubles in the table drawer pay the tax with them.Take the rest from Gosizdat

Vladimir Mayakovsky.  

Committed suicide on April 14, 1930, the news sent shock waves through the Soviet Union. Ilya Ehrenburg, who knew of Mayakovsky’s notorious gambling habit, thought he might have been playing Russian roulette with his beloved Mauser pistol and lost his bet. 

The Season Is Over

Football Season Is Over 

No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun – for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax – This won’t hurt.

On February 20 2005 Hunter S. Thompson, shot himself as he finished a telephone conversation with his wife.

Lemmings

"We must consider suicide as an exclusively human behavior, since man, unlike other animals, can cease to exist at will following a premeditated act. In order to be able to speak of animal suicide, there must be an awareness of the irreversibility of the act and of the death that will follow. Except for the human being we cannot affirm that in the animal world there is this certainty about the finitude of its existence. The animal does not recognize itself as mortal, and does not know that it is going to die, therefore He cannot think about his death, nor wish it, nor plan it, nor finally carry it to completion. "

Ginés Jesús Llorca Díez

What am I going to do with my life

Final Poem

on March 30, 1961 our suicidal brother, of 27 years  of age David Ledesma Vázquez was found hanged with the same tie he used every day to go to work. His homosexuality found no place in that society. He left a daughter whose existence they concealed from him

This poem was found in his shirt pocket wore on the night of his suicide.

El Poema Final
De pronto,
como cortado o incompleto,
como un silencio nada más,
desciendo,
como una sequedad en la garganta,
como una pausa en que vacila el aire.
Amor mío… Amor mío…
¿Qué cosa puedo darte?
Tú me has dado tan solo tu presencia,
tu sonrisa y a veces tu aliento,
una proximidad nada más.
Yo te regalo un muerto. Cuídalo bien.
Es tuyo.
Solamente recuérdalo,
cierta fecha de octubre
porque donde tú naces yo termino.
Y mientras tú me pienses, viviré.
De pronto
toda la vida se hace un punto,
se hace un grito,
se hace la más perfecta y dulce música.
Perdóname, hija mía. No conozco
sino tu leve risa de inocencia.
Perdóname si sola, si desnuda,
si limpia te he dejado;
torno a la soledad. Allí he vivido.
Perdóname, tú, madre.
No me entienden.
Si un ruido horrible suena en la cabeza,
si una cosa sin nombre nos agobia,
si algo estalla de pronto… ¿Qué ha de hacerse?
El prudente tal vez buscará un medico,
el ocioso tal vez dejará estarse las venas en su sitio,
pero el que es todo corazón y siente
por el pellejo igual que las arterias,
¿qué ha de hacer, me pregunto?
Si de pronto
uno repugna ante uno mismo.
Si cada corazón,
cada pulgada
de íntimo dolor pesa y resuena
como pasos andando por adentro,
como trompadas…
Amor mío, perdóname. Lo sé.
Ahora ya puedo amarte. Nada más.
puedo decir que estoy en ti, que vivo
libre, sin huesos,
como un aire vivo,
como algo que sí puedes amar.
Ah! lo demás. Ya lo demás no importa…
Simplemente no se es.
No quedan huecos.
Apenas un momento de silencio
y nada más.
La rueda sigue andando.
El Molino no deja de moler.
Ni nadie pierde su trabajo a causa de un tornillo que se rompe.
¿Lloran? No sé.
yo no he querido el llanto.
Adoro las inmensas bocas frescas
que se abren al impulso de la risa.
Y la música adoro. Y la alegría.
Y las cosas más limpias de los seres:
por ejemplo, los besos, los adioses,
la mano que se pone sobre el hombro,
los niños y los perros indefensos.
Pero de pronto es necesario irse.
De pronto es necesario ser no-ser,
abrirse una ventana,
o acabarse
sencillamente
como podremos hoy, mañana o el Domingo
tú, yo o fulano
hacer paréntesis,
borrarse del paisaje, hacerse humo.

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now. I just feel I could do so much if I had him next to me, my best friend. I feel it could all be so easy and so simple, I could improve many things. I need you...

I’ve been talking to Xag, why the hell? I keep treating him... me… as another person, people say you should always be your best friend, but I think I'm separating the Xag side of me to become my best friend ... I want to be him, but he knows too much ... I asked him to cry with me, crying for being alone with not best friend, but he only responded with phrases like "you know you'll have it.”.

Why is he separating from me? He must have a weakness ... I see his eyes are watery, he hurts for me, cries for me....

Ok this is crazy talk... I see a person sit there and mourn and I desperately want to be him. I just want that. I hate my life ... I’d better go to sleep…

(4 days late)

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

Today, I came to terms with something

Today, I came to terms with something, there's no doubt that I am some kind of masochist. 

And you'd probably think I mean, something deep and emotional, related somehow to my tortured psyche, but no, the simple truth is that I love the idea of boys being humiliated, maybe suffering. I have never organized this thoughts but they have always been there, even in my desmænok, I see myself physically suffering and being humiliated, it's sort of an addiction... I think. 

Today I was watching a Hollywood action flick, Ransom, if I recall correctly, and they had this kid being kidnapped, he was beautiful, and they were mean to him, but I enjoyed seeing him  pushed and dragged, and specially loved when he peed himself. 

These sound like the words of a psychopath, devoid of emotion, compassion... I can only say its the opposite, there are a lot of emotions here, just lack of talent to express them.

I feel about this so much, that's how I see myself in my desmænok.... In fact i have it all planned out; first being kidnapped and ending up in a guerrilla concentration camp, then, being victim of some bully and being completely trashed in school, later in this kind of fight club, where they got me into a cage with another kids and finally I end up (I don't know if dead) in a kidnapping like the one in this movie. 

I know it isn't the right thing, I can't take it off my mind; I love to see how they bully Obsidiana at school and how I humiliate him pouring water down his underwear. 

(3 days late)