Right now... I just feel like making lists.

Right now... I just feel like making lists... lists about things I have to do... things that I want... things that I need...

For example....

I need courage to change my life

I need hope to stay alive

I need to buy a lot of antidepressants so I can commit suicide

I need to lose weight

I need to find someone to exercise with

I need someone to help me do... YouTube vids.... or at least someone who will lend their shower to record that stupid vid

I need wisdom to handle my relationships better

I need knowledge to pass my school tests

I need to find a way of getting out of this country... out of my home...

I need someone who would give me wedgies everyday

I need a lot of underwear for the mentioned above...

I need god to let roaches become extinct... they are disgusting

I need... I need a car... or learn how to drive... or someone to drive me around... or someone to teach me how to...

Most of all... I need my dreams... I miss them...

I have to... ask the prince about his life... I don’t want to question him... I hate interrogatories...

I have to stop thinking about my past

I have to do the literature essay

I have to study for Virtual Communications test

I have to organize my priorities

I have to re-design my site

I have to stop writing such a depressive journal

I have to read all of my economy copies and the damn book

I have to stop being so careless and unorganized

I have to learn how to use flash properly

I have to stop thinking how I could have made my past better

I have to stop daydreaming about being younger

I have to remember to be thankful for my crappy life

I have to be a better person than I am...

I want... not to want anything... but just be happy... and enjoy my shortcomings and my virtues...

I feel small

I could say I was busy but that would just be a lie. My mood changes are driving me crazy....

I feel small...  useless.... not even my teacher knows my name. And I’ve been taking his class for over a year now.

Anyway we have to get an interview for his class. An interview of someone "worth" of it... I of course know no one...

Actually the only person I feel like interviewing is myself... so I might end up just faking it... ill interview a made up character... someone interesting... oh, yes and ill create some sites on him, to make him "important"... I’m desperate and I suck at journalism... I'll create a personality for him or her (I haven’t decided) and I’ll get someone to help me impersonate him on the interview. 

Jorge … to lame. 

Jaime… to common

Daniel… yes Daniel...

“Why stay sane in a sick world?”

I feel… grossed out with me; I feel… sickened by all the things I’ve done.

I feel… useless, not being able to fix it; 

I feel… helpless not knowing someone to share all of this with.

I’ll fail, I know I will… I just can’t make it. I’m not good enough, I was not born well enough… I can’t grow into being good enough.

I want to rest, rest, from all this nonsense, rest from words, and rest from thoughts. I want to rest from myself, from failure, from dreams, from pressure.

I lied… I am more active in the late afternoons than in the morning.

I wish I was high, so there could be an explanation for doing this, for writing this. But there’s not.

I’m alone in a small filthy room and I am too short to reach the doorknob and get out. I’ve been there for ages, forever. I learned things, but then I forget them, I know I’m short, I know I can’t reach it, I know it’s impossible for me, no one’s there to give me had… no one’s there to lift me, no one’s there to do it for me…. “Do it for me” I’m so weak

There’s not a single drop of hope; not a whisker of joy… just nothing, just me, there forever, trapped, confused, in the dark, I know the world outside, I understand it… but I can’t live in it.

I don’t get people.

It’s so ridiculous, it’s almost pathetically funny.

“Why stay sane in a sick world?” 

(15 days late)

I’ve always wanted to be a victim of something.

I’ve also found myself lying again. This girl asked me if I had ever got my heart broken. I said yes without thinking... I guess I just assumed with all the pain I feel inside, some of it had to be due a broken heart... but now I realize that I lied, I never had my heart broken... there has never been anyone who could or would.

I’ve always wanted to be a victim of something.

(26 days late)

I missed you today

I missed you today, I missed you, yes you who you are.... I missed you so much; I had to contain my tears several times. I was empty without you; I was lost without you...

No music, no song was good enough to take you of my mind... I had lie again because of you, because the emptiness is so big it was unbearable... I had to lie, to make up a story so I could hide the immense shame, that you are not here by my side, that I haven’t found you.

I made you up... and to make it worse I killed you to explain your absence…

(11 days late)

I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, really I just didn’t know.... please forgive all the horrible things I made u feel, please forgive all the awful words I used but most of all please forgive all the things I never did....

I’m no writer, who I am kidding? It’s been 2 weeks with nothing to do but write and I haven’t written a word. I’m no artist, I have been dead inside longer than I can remember...

I feel lonely, and frustrated and hopeless... I feel miserable. And I know misery we spend quite a long time writing an essay about it with my sisters. I’m sorry my sisters, I’ve let you down in so many ways, the same to my father and not to mention my mother’s.... boy I screwed up big time.... I’m so sorry, I couldn’t keep my grades up, and I’m sorry I wasn't able to be the person you needed me to be.

I’m sorry I failed my teachers, I’m sorry I disappointed all my... acquaintances....

I’m sorry god, yes you my dear god, whom I haven’t spoken to since those long rides in my school bus, I’m sorry I never truly learned all u told me... I’m sorry my guardian angel, I worn out your energies to help me.

most of all, I’m sorry my friends, you know who you are even if u don’t who I am, I failed in this life, I just couldn’t make it... I love u with all my soul, with all my being, I hope u find a way forgive me... and I know well meet again in the end and beginning of all times... I may just be a little late.

Finally I feel sorry for myself, yes I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person I dreamt up to be. I’m sorry I let opportunities pass, I’m sorry I let valuable people go, I’m sorry I can’t travel in time and change the past, I’m sorry, o so sorry.... I’m sorry, my dear book, Nikolas, Joan, Eli and Alnitak...I’m sorry I may never finish your story... I’m sorry you’re doomed in oblivion because of my lack of talent, imagination and will...

Please dear reader I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I made you read this, I’m sorry I profaned language in devious and empty words, the only consolation I can give you is... yes teenagers tend to be very dramatic.

(8 days late)

Scared

Bringing to life my book was never easy, I can’t say it just happened and it flowed naturally. I had to work on it so hard I lost hope More than once I’ve thought on giving up on the myth, and writing something else, or even not write at all, a million times I think about the story and I just hate it, or think it should be completely different. I wanted to create a myth, a myth that would explain the deep nature of human kind.

The myth is about, fear, misery, sadness… and love. I never expected it to be a fun story I never expected it to be simple, it’s about a girl is about Nikolas, it’s about her learning process, it about her journey to find what can she ultimately be. It’s about love, it’s about friendship, it’s about trust, and it’s about hope.

I’m scared; I’m really scared, that my dreams may never come true, I’m afraid the story will never be told. I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know if I want a book, or a movie or whatever it is.

I’m so scared I may never even finish it.

(22 days late)

I saw Nicolas today... he seems happy, he looks cool.... unlike me.

(5 days late)

I feel sick.

I feel sick, im sad, im terribly depressed. and im sure that not something new. what the hell am i doing? where am i headed? ive been skipping school, and getting terrible grades. Im in my senior year, and im suposed to head to collage next year. I dont have what it takes to be in a good university, so im just headed to the neaest one.  

People I know are shutting me out again. I don’t know how to react this time. I guess I’ll just get lost like I did last time. I’m a freak, I know that, I don’t speak or talk easily. Which kind of bores people round me and I’m neither fun nor funny in any way, and it’s more pathetic when I try to be. I shouldn’t be allowed to tell jokes and I stink at playing anything. That’s why people hate me; I’m just too uncomfortable to be with.

I’m just some miscellaneous compound of things I like but that completely repel each other. I’m neurotically organized so I’m not happy or comfortable anywhere that is not my room, and everything it’s in its exact and perfect place. I feel every single thing I do it’s incomplete and has something wrong, that leads for me to start doing things and never be happy about them. Then I love the mess the mud, the wedgie, the bullying, the running the chaos.

I give no good first impression and when you are around me you can only get tired, because I’m tired, I’ve always been. I’m working on a book you know, and I hate it when I think about it, and I feel it’s just lame and stupid. But when I read I love it and I don’t find a way to change it. I’m stuck in the second chapter! I don’t know who to continue with it. I try to write other parts of the story but words don’t come out. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I’m so lost, I’m screwing my future every second that passes and I’m not enjoying the present, and I hate my past. Where should I go, what should I do?

I’m lost, and I know I’m not alone in this. But what does it help with when actually no one knows the way. I want to believe in something, but I don’t know what.

I need to have faith.

I only have faith.

Faith in that there is something more in me and the world that I have not yet discovered. Just something, anything.

(7 days late)

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14 i was in my school bus.

This kid, his name is george, well, he was (and still is) the most annoying kid ever, the reject, everyone treated him like trash, he was bullied, but he was also a despicable person so i never really cared for him. anyway, the first of several times, i being more of a loner, ended up having him sitting next to me in the schoolbus. of course i treated him with the same desrespect everyone else treated hime, he had tanned skin, flat black hair and fat black eyes and a very small thin body built.

So i told him that if he wanted to sit by my side he had to do as i said and one of the rulkes was not falling asleep on my shoulder.

of course, not even 5 mins after we left the school, he was pretending to be falling asleep on my shoulder. i kicked him with my elbow, but he continued, then I pushed his head abruptly away, but he continued.

Finally i was tired and i grabbed him by the hair and inflicting as much pain as i could i placed his big head between his legs.

Then i se it, when crouchin so far down, the back of his pullover and shirt was also lifted leaving to my reach the waisband of his ridiculus aqumarine generic brifes. I got a frim grip, he flinched, but he didnt move, he knew i woul pull it up, if he moved.

So I ordered him to stay like that the rest of the way, he did, i spend glorious 20 minutes holding his briefs while he had his head beteen his legs. People obviously noticed,, and i saw they were expecting me to pull.

Of course i didint let them down, i pulled high and strong for no reason, he yelled like a bitch, i didnt stop pulling, and i pulled and pulled, i saw my house down the corner, so i decided to get it done with, and i ripped hisdisgusting briefs off!!! aww, he was crying so beautyfully, people laughed, he was as humillieted as i ever got him... and i wedgied him some more times after, but that was the best.

2 days late

You love it.... you kill it...

You love it.... you kill it...

I am looking forward to my 17th birthday... I thought for a long time that I was going to die before my 15th birthday, I never thought of living anymore. Frustrated by it I ingenuously tried to believe that maybe I could get magical powers on my 16th birthday as it happens on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Of course it didn't happen, since then I've been trying to feel complete, but the lack of self-esteem hasn’t helped much.

I am human and I need to be loved just as anyone else does. I thought that after reading the book everything was going to be right, but it’s not, I'm confused, I tired of thinking I just don’t want to stop thinking and to stop feeling.

Socrates was right. You only love yourself

(4 days late)

My ego

I had previously been publishing all this online (my ego!). But now I’m back to the privacy of myself. 

I think it is my duty to inform you that since I was born I have had difficulty relating to other people, mainly because of my eccentricities and behavior, for this reason I have not managed to have the opportunity to meet a single true friend in my life.

I studied in the Tilatá school, behind the western mountains, but for some reason I could not relate to people there. Tired and desperate a change of school came into my life a bit over three years ago.

The change brought both good and hard truths. I first realized that my behavior and way of life, it’s indeed very strange for my peers. But not everything is bad I was able to relate with some other freaks and even identify them as my real friends (for a while)... But life takes hard hits on me and I could not dodge all my misfortune. They turned against me for some undisclosed reason, from one day to another. To the point of having me become my now sworn enemies or taking disgust of my mere presence. Fortunately though I fell back on my feet and managed one of them continues to be a regular acquaintance.

It turns out also, I have a terrible memory, and before I start writing always put the keywords on the topics I want to discuss so avoid that something escapes me. But in time these words lose their meaning as I delve into my writing...  you might occasionally find random words scribble about. I hope you understand. 

I did not have to turn to any hidden powers against Obsidian. Thing I considered after our last encounter, so my karma is rather safe. Obsidian apologized, and I did not offend him further. Peace seems to work, with time, patience and endurance, but it works.

I quit going to IT and Programming courses, I think its best, it might mean I will not do anything with my life, no traveling abroad not anything... but for now I am content to find what is it, it makes me happy.... Yeah right? That's big lie, I feel like I am a failure and with luck I'll make it is a waiter someday. I fight with Valdes; he is sadistic and cruel, besides hates me because I am not very smart. We visited the girls at the Christ King, and surprisingly it was very ... hot? I flirted with a girl just as we came in... But my introversion not allowed me to go much further as to actually changing email addresses... plus people around me where weighing me down, so I ended up feeling like a loser, an imbecile. This day will bring me nightmares, I just want to meet girls and fuck, and then I want to meet someone special.

(22 days late)

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

I have wanted to run away from home...

I have wanted to run away from home...  since in some ill-fated English class we had to read: “From the Mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler”

I want to leave home and get to know who I am, solve a puzzle that bothers me so much…

Am I magical or not?

I spend a lot of my free time planning my escape. Thinking about how I am going to survive, how I’m going to pay for my adventure, what I should take and other stuff. Sometimes I choose Alnitak to go with me; she has always been in my head when I think in brother-sister adventure.

I plan on getting a compass and a tunic besides other stuff. I dream of taking my Book of shadows and go windows shopping for all this stuff as I try and make up my mind as of where I am going.

(5 days late)

Heating socks

It’s nine in the evening listening to Britney and heating my socks on the lamp (It’s so cold!!!). This is not turning out right, Every day I think about it that it fascinates me to see boys with their young bodies all bruised, pants off, crying in the backyard with their underwear up to their shoulders. Like if there wasn't anything else to me...  I read  about breaking the routine and I am craving.

(22 days late)

From what I've seen I would like him (my bully) to value me a little. where he forces me to do his homework and throws dirt at me through my window and makes me do things that I don’ t want to do, things i am too scared to do.

He pushes me all the time but, he cares for me as his special irreplaceable subject to abuse. I want it to be hardcore... real punches, excessive public humiliation, wedgies, swirlies, pantsings, public stripping, kegging, spitting, stuffing things inside my underwear, i day dream he drags me around the school, plays games with me, like I'm a ragdoll or puppy... plus all the shit  Obsidiana gets at school.

(5 days late)