I feel sick.

I feel sick, im sad, im terribly depressed. and im sure that not something new. what the hell am i doing? where am i headed? ive been skipping school, and getting terrible grades. Im in my senior year, and im suposed to head to collage next year. I dont have what it takes to be in a good university, so im just headed to the neaest one.  

People I know are shutting me out again. I don’t know how to react this time. I guess I’ll just get lost like I did last time. I’m a freak, I know that, I don’t speak or talk easily. Which kind of bores people round me and I’m neither fun nor funny in any way, and it’s more pathetic when I try to be. I shouldn’t be allowed to tell jokes and I stink at playing anything. That’s why people hate me; I’m just too uncomfortable to be with.

I’m just some miscellaneous compound of things I like but that completely repel each other. I’m neurotically organized so I’m not happy or comfortable anywhere that is not my room, and everything it’s in its exact and perfect place. I feel every single thing I do it’s incomplete and has something wrong, that leads for me to start doing things and never be happy about them. Then I love the mess the mud, the wedgie, the bullying, the running the chaos.

I give no good first impression and when you are around me you can only get tired, because I’m tired, I’ve always been. I’m working on a book you know, and I hate it when I think about it, and I feel it’s just lame and stupid. But when I read I love it and I don’t find a way to change it. I’m stuck in the second chapter! I don’t know who to continue with it. I try to write other parts of the story but words don’t come out. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

I’m so lost, I’m screwing my future every second that passes and I’m not enjoying the present, and I hate my past. Where should I go, what should I do?

I’m lost, and I know I’m not alone in this. But what does it help with when actually no one knows the way. I want to believe in something, but I don’t know what.

I need to have faith.

I only have faith.

Faith in that there is something more in me and the world that I have not yet discovered. Just something, anything.

(7 days late)