I was waiting for you to tell you I don’t want to talk to you.

I have been waiting all my life for me to fall in love... to painfully realize that I really suck at it.

What was the use of all the daydreaming? Of all the waiting? Yearning... if in the end my ability to love is so helplessly handicapped.

what was the use of my pain, of my loneliness... what was the use of my art, of every wasted breath and word... if in the end… there is someone I love telling me they have been waiting online to tell me they are not going to speak.

Right now... I just feel like making lists.

Right now... I just feel like making lists... lists about things I have to do... things that I want... things that I need...

For example....

I need courage to change my life

I need hope to stay alive

I need to buy a lot of antidepressants so I can commit suicide

I need to lose weight

I need to find someone to exercise with

I need someone to help me do... YouTube vids.... or at least someone who will lend their shower to record that stupid vid

I need wisdom to handle my relationships better

I need knowledge to pass my school tests

I need to find a way of getting out of this country... out of my home...

I need someone who would give me wedgies everyday

I need a lot of underwear for the mentioned above...

I need god to let roaches become extinct... they are disgusting

I need... I need a car... or learn how to drive... or someone to drive me around... or someone to teach me how to...

Most of all... I need my dreams... I miss them...

I have to... ask the prince about his life... I don’t want to question him... I hate interrogatories...

I have to stop thinking about my past

I have to do the literature essay

I have to study for Virtual Communications test

I have to organize my priorities

I have to re-design my site

I have to stop writing such a depressive journal

I have to read all of my economy copies and the damn book

I have to stop being so careless and unorganized

I have to learn how to use flash properly

I have to stop thinking how I could have made my past better

I have to stop daydreaming about being younger

I have to remember to be thankful for my crappy life

I have to be a better person than I am...

I want... not to want anything... but just be happy... and enjoy my shortcomings and my virtues...

Just Shoot Me

Just Shoot Me

I live in country where pretty much a lot of people die every day in a violent conflict that has lasted for years... so why am I not one of those? 

Why hasn't just someone come along and just shoot me, and set me free form this existence. And it’s not that I'm in pain and I can’t take life anymore... I'm just so bored; bored out of my existence that getting shot seems like just something that could be.... well... just something...

I'm going through of one of those moment when I see myself objectively, and I'm nauseous... this guy described my videos as ...

An interesting way of transmitting sensations though simple things...

This is the sweetest way to put it...

(3 days late)

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid…

Finally I got someone to help me out with a vid… in the rain! Got thoroughly soaked. It was silly and fun, I really enjoyed it.

(7 days late)

It has been such a weird week... I’m in zombie mode

It has been such a weird week... I’m in zombie mode around people… I have to take one pointless conversation after another, one dumb or disgusting joke over another, or one stupid parody of life after another... they just don’t see, how denigrating is to be themselves. They are losers.

First is Aiacos, my one friend and the worst of the bunch, first he is putting me down all the time, and I can’t stand the looks he gives to Daniel, after I’ve done something he disapproves (which is most of the time), is this stupid grin with open eyes, that says "how stupid is he? " But without making it personal Aiacos is dumb, has no talent for anything, blind to beauty, no motivation to do anything, no beliefs… he is just BORING. He is convinces that if he joins a gang and plays dumb games, or catches around a ball for an hour he is so much better than me. He is just an ordinary lazy guy; with no great aptitude for nothing... he just has the most incredible luck, which is so unfair. I might laugh with one or two of his comments and funny annotations, but that’s it... What I must like about him most is his ability to keep secrets as far as I know and that he has found tiny little short times to tell me he appreciates me.

Maybe why Aiacos has been so mean tome lately, is because he has found a new best friend, and let’s face it is fact, that’s Daniel… he is the perfect partner for Aiacos, just as dumb, and empty and lost in his trivial wanderings, he is like me in some ways, like our preference to stay at home. His only purpose in life is to say and do the most immature thing. He considers himself a pyromaniac and a homophobic he loves to talk about deformed sex and has such a twisted kind of humor, he rarely says something interesting. The best of him is that has a great body which I would love to see, has fabulous abs and wears very cute underwear. I’d love to wedgie him.

on the other hand is Mauricio he was Daniel best friend until Daniel met Aiacos, Mauricio is the most ugly guy in the classroom he could easily be cast as the hunchback of Notre dame for any visual media adaptation, he is very smart (unlike Daniel who is a jerk) has a voice of reason, much like piggy in lord of the flies…. Actually they look very much alike. I mean whatever Mauricio says you know it’s going to be the right thing. He has a naive sense of humor so I’m the only one that laughs at his jokes - that's sad- but for most part he is a classic closed minded person.

at last there is Ivan, he is egocentrism himself, the classic geek, he is the one whose only prove of anything is what the scientific method says and the one who believes everything the discovery channel says. He thinks he is cool because he is a science fiction fan he is always happy and he believes he is always right and keeps on bragging it. He has no problems at all, so he makes problems out of nowhere. He is a sadistic little bastard. This unique egomaniac has the ability to stress me out quite easily.

Why am I devoting my time to describe and bitch about these sad souls that surround my everyday hell? Because there is no one else… Nothing else. 

(7 days late)

[…]  A religion teacher I had, tried to help me once and told me this story:

There was once a town, with a church and a priest that was so kind and devoted, everyone thought of him as a saint. Once it rained so much that the town flooded they tried to evacuate the town, but the priest was not willing to do so himself. He had been such a good person that he knew god will save him. So then when the water was 1m high a man in a boat came and told him to jump in so he would be saves, but the priest told him that he wouldn’t, because god will save him.

Then when water was over 3m high a helicopter came to rescue the priest that was swimming desperately, but the priest wouldn’t get onto the ladder, he was convinced that god was going to save him for.

The water kept growing and the priest drowned.

 Once he got to heaven the first thing he said was – “god? Why didn’t you try to save me?” – God surprised, answered – “I didn’t try?First I sent the police to evacuate the zone, then I sent a boat to rescue you, and then I sent a helicopter to save your life. You were the one who didn’t want to be rescued” –

What do we learn from this story? […]

I read a quote about friends

I read a quote about friends, it was something like...

"You get more friends getting interested in people, than getting people interested in you"

Am I really interested in people? I was convinced I was, but now I remember to many people saying the opposite, especially my mom, she has always nagged me saying my attitude towards anything is: 

Me first, I next, and whatever it's left is for me to!

I don't think now I’m a comprehensive, empathic person, I have always thought of other guys at my school as empty, stupid, simple persons… Is there something I'm not seeing? What is it? 

This is why I can’t get any friends, I'm totally blind to other people, their thoughts and feelings, and how do I solve that? I really want to be interested in someone else's life. But I'm just not open to meet other people, because my immediate reaction is: "he is a jerk." And with the amount of jerks in this world… can you blame me?

100 years of loneliness

Some boy in the bus tried to psycho-analyze me once. He said something I'd never forget, "you fake a giggle once in a while, but you haven't really laughed in a lot, lot, of time"... It makes me think if I have ever really laughed at all.

Not long ago I wanted to be bullied really hard, having someone to push me, wedgie me and rip my underwear, kegging me in public. I was drunk with the idea of falling… low, wanted to fall as low as it was possible. Then I realized that I didn't want hate for hate’s sake, if someone wanted to keg me and wedgie me it had to be my friend. I don't want to get hazed by hate, when I got to execute my plan, I got gum in my hair, insults, comments at my back, thrown some spit papers… and realized I don't want that. Still, I want to show my underwear in public, but I want it to be with a soul mate.

What am I, An addict to rejection? Just to remember that I leaved Camilla flat proves it. I just don't help myself. I have no personality at all; all I am a copy of people I like (plus a lot of lies) you got me. I don't have a life either, because of my lack of friends I don't go out, don't know anyone, and don't do anything.

Please Don't take me Home.

 Ricardo Rendon, Celebrated Colombian political cartoonist. After drawing a quick sketch of a skull and writing the words "Please do not take me home"he shot himself in the head in a coffee shop here in Bogota at age 37.