Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I think my whole life has been one long suicide note….
Haven’t all my actions, all my thoughts, all my beliefs been a testament to how I need to say good bye to this lie… 
I think I must start by the beginning… the first time I thought of suicide, I was nine years old… I hurt a girl in school… I held her arms so tightly… my fingernails sinking into her skin… I grasped with all my strength, I just wouldn’t let go… I think half a minute passed, it certainly felt like longer, I held her in pain, and she started to cry… I think somehow I enjoyed it… Finally I let go, and I ran to the boys’ room…
There, I saw the sink… and thought I could fill it up and drown myself… if I died, I would be the victim…
But I wasn’t brave enough… I was afraid if I survived what would my mother think about my wet clothes… so I got into a toilet cubicle… and locked myself in it… 
I eventually left, but I think my soul forever stayed there….
Finally I’ve done it.  It took me a bit more than a decade, but I did it, I killed myself… 
Now I stand here with undone homework, and exams coming up… and I’m writing what are going to be my last words… 
First.
 I’m not supposed to be here… I wasn’t supposed to go over 16… like my mom, I was sure I was supposed to die at a certain age…  I was going to die at 16… that or find out I was a witch…
Since then I’ve been planning this… I researched my best, learned all I could learn… portrayed dramatically all the signs on a suicidal teen… I became depressed, my notes went down, my sleeping times changed, and for goodness sake I was sleeping about 12 hours someday… I became addicted to my pc… I started slicing my wrists….
Nothing happened, not death, not help… anything…

Finally nothingness has taken over me… I can’t bear nothingness anymore…  I tried… the first time I was actually going to kill myself with I knife while in my bed… my mom in the next room, I made a list of things I had to do before I died…
1. Play Pokémon green in English… and find mew… I never found this rom.
2. Read the entire Harry potter saga
3. write my book” well… that didn’t turn out…  between making a career I hate and resting form my pathetic life, I never got to write an organized text… so I leave to this world more than a 1000 pages of nonsense… scraps, scenes, notes and plain junk of a story that  no one will ever hear complete… 
Second
I’m sorry… I’m sorry for all the pain I caused with all my actions including this final one… I’ve apologized in my mind so much; I can’t justify it any more… 
I’m just sorry I entered so many peoples life, I didn’t mean to… I never asked too… I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, or brave enough, or smart enough… I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help, I’m sorry… I never finished what I set up to do... im sorry I was born in this miserable country… im sorry I never loved nor let anyone love me… im sorry I never kissed a girl in the mouth… im sorry I never got a best friend to hug… im sorry I wasted my time watching tv… im sorry I spend so much money on comics… 
I’m sorry. I told so many lies… I’m sorry I never answered those phone calls… I’m sorry; I cried all the time I was in England… I’m sorry I was fetishist and a pervert… I’m sorry I wasn’t blonde and perfect…  I’m sorry I was obsessed with beauty… I’m sorry I never loved myself…. I’m sorry; I never loved anyone else… I’m sorry I didn’t finish my book, I’m sorry didn’t draw all the things I wanted to draw… I’m sorry I never got caught in the rain, I’m sorry I never enjoyed a day in the beach… I’m sorry I never knew snow, I’m sorry; I never knew a broken bone… I’m sorry knowing all I’m sorry of I still took the easiest way
I’m terribly sorry; I never had a life outside my pc… I’m sorry I wasn’t a good brother, friend, student, classmate or son… I’m sorry I wasn’t born rich…. I’m sorry I had no born talent for anything… I’m sorry I feel sorry for things I shouldn’t feel sorry… and finally I’m sorry, I never got to actually say how sorry I was…
And third…
I commit suicide because I no longer fear death... In fact it’s been a long time since I did… 
I remember being in my bed afraid of going asleep because me might stop breathing in my dreams and I wouldn’t notice… Somehow that fear changed, and became a wish… and I no longer remember how many nights I wished I would stop breathing in my dreams…
I give up… on me, I give on my strength and will… I give up, no one is to blame for my death (except for all, the awful, mediocre shitty teachers I had my whole life… so many, P.E. teachers, pc teachers, and specially philosophy teachers)
I kill myself; because I am already dead… my spirit is dead… I just don’t dream anymore… I just don’t care anymore… I just don’t hope anymore.
To my mom: … you are the best mom ever!!! This is in no way your fault… and you have to take care of my sisters… specially Mintaka… I love you mom, you were the closest person to me in my entire life… you just shouldn’t have had so many kids…
Sisters: I love you with all my heart. You rejected me first, and throughout my life the most. Not always intentionally I suppose. 
Mintaka: my baby sis… you… I love you in a way, that is beyond my understanding, I know you are going to be so great… have fun, be happy, don’t let anyone tell you who you are or who to be… stay free… and do all the things you want  as long as they don’t hurt anyone… remember, magic does exist…
Dad…you bought a car… and you daughters didn’t have a bed to sleep… I don’t hate you… I pity you… I envy you…. and admire you… you just shouldn’t have had so many kids…

Finally and as a formality be nice and cremate my body… if I end up in a coma, kill me… and try to get this letter published somewhere ok?



Saturday, April 1, 2006

Heating socks

It’s nine in the evening listening to Britney and heating my socks on the lamp (It’s so cold!!!). This is not turning out right, Every day I think about it that it fascinates me to see boys with their young bodies all bruised, pants off, crying in the backyard with their underwear up to their shoulders. Like if there wasn't anything else to me...  I read  about breaking the routine and I am craving.

(22 days late)