I felt old.

I felt old. I fell a million years old. I saw a spark of youth I have never experienced. A naïve-ness that’s in some way repulsive… I realized… that it’s important how I look in the eyes of the prince. I won’t smoke in front of you.

I realized that I need a life away from him…

 What’s wrong....your blog was so sad???

 And I think you're beautiful

Well, thanks I've been in this mood for a while

I know exactly how you fee. I honestly do...but I think you're beautiful inside and out

It’s not a come on and I'm not into cheap flattery

And yes....I agree with your link between art beauty and sadness

But its sadness that breeds both art and beauty...so without sadness we wouldn't appreciate anything beautiful

And if we didn't experience sadness we couldn't create anything beautiful or artistic

And I think your graphics are beautiful'

Your words are beautiful and poetic

Your sensitivity that makes you so sad is the same sensitivity that lends you the perspective which allows you to write so beautifully

It’s a double edged sword

Your gifts come with a price

Just like every superhero story

This is from one sad sensitive writer to another

Xag: I had never known someone who had actually read what I write there. I don't know what to say ^^. Thanks.

Believe me I understand

The sadness

 The consuming depression

you look everywhere and see injustice, sadness, misery...and it's not fair, and you can't change it...and you think "I can’t continue on like this"...you feel like no one else sees it and you think why go on in this world...where nothing is fair...where beauty is fleeting and nothing matters anyway since it will end one day anyway

 And you think you want to just stop being sad by hurting yourself

But if you do that you'd just be contributing to the sadness and the violence of the world

and you wouldn't be able to create anything beautiful that might one day give solace to another suffering kid....the eighteen year old kid 20 years from now who needs to spend every night on the web just to escape wherever he is

Let me venture some guesses

You think it’s unfair that there are prescribed limitations and expectations based on your gender

You don't understand why you attract any extra attention if you wear a girl's tee...and you don’t understand why some guys wear baggy clothes that hide their bodies when they actually have really good bodies

You think it's unfair that anyone with a sexual fetish or preference other than the usual is looked at any differently or that anyone cares about such things one way or the other

You don't understand why heterosexuals are threatened or nervous around queer people

 You accept diversity and differences in everyone around you and you don't get why everyone else doesn't

How am I doing so far?

You are actually scaring me little bit

 Lol why

It is pretty, pretty accurate

He he...sorry...I kind ranted there for a bit...

I just told you

 I completely understand you

Because I'm EXACTLY the same way

 You’re adorable

I understand you so well...do you feel let down by people a lot cause you feel like you care a lot more about them then they care about you?

Yeah I do feel like that sometimes... but I also feel I'm so selfish for expecting people to care...

Exactly...so you alternate between feeling guilty and feeling let down?

Xag: exactly

I missed you today

I missed you today, I missed you, yes you who you are.... I missed you so much; I had to contain my tears several times. I was empty without you; I was lost without you...

No music, no song was good enough to take you of my mind... I had lie again because of you, because the emptiness is so big it was unbearable... I had to lie, to make up a story so I could hide the immense shame, that you are not here by my side, that I haven’t found you.

I made you up... and to make it worse I killed you to explain your absence…

(11 days late)

"Eloi, Eloi lama ... sabachtani"

"Eloi, Eloi lama ... sabachtani"

These are the favorite words of those attributed to Jesus of Nazareth to Xag. In his own words, "they are of the few spoken by him that touch a sensitive fiber deep within my soul." 

This was what he said to me during the so-called: Holy Week, this is what a billion or so Catholics commemorate. Of course, while thousands gather in churches or processions during Holy Friday, Santiago decided to see for the first time the Passion of Christ on DVD.

For many, it would tedious and boring, but Xag is already accustomed to staying at home during the holidays. He thinks one does not need to go out for fun, on the outside he thinks there's nothing for him, He really wants to be a child, and he never was one. I understand it, for sure in another life I was like him. 

From the same moment he came out of class that Friday, Santiago was determined to make this Easter every bit different than any previous one. I heard him talking to himself while walking (as he did often) - "I'm going to devote myself solely to my book," he seemed convicted as he say it, but then again, so had he said so every Friday, for  2 years now. Strength faded in the eternal now and never concreted.

Santiago, or Xag as he was called by friends long, long, ago has dreamed of being a writer since the eighth grade, even before understanding what it was it meant entirely. It was not until he saw Harry Potter 3 that he understood. It was not until that moment when the movie ended, in the dark theater that he finally assimilated as his destiny.

"It’s the book or suicide."

 That the thought that haunt him usually after leaving the shower, soaked and fully clothed, when he sees his face in the mirror.

In November 2003 Santiago reached for the first notebook he found, that meaning, the most battered and old he had - and knew which were the characters of his story, filled with excitement, he dreamed of them that night and the months that followed... some unfortunate attempts to start failed miserably until a special night. The computer was turned on late and suddenly the words came, there was yet another moment of illumination ... The first page of his book was written that night.

Since then he has been writing continuously, writing about his characters, writing various scenes, as well as some dialogue. He wrote several chapters, developing a complex story, full of surprises and betrayals and death. I was all set up, until one day in December 2004, he read it...

"It was rubbish," He says with complete honesty "all but the first page I wrote a year ago, its garbage"

On Wednesday of Holy Week, Xag thought back on that night… he thought back on everything he had written and thought about everything that had not written, He then recalled his illusory claims to his classmates when he was fifteen. "I'm traveling and writing my book ... I do not think I will got to collage if I finish the first book for next year"

During the last days of Easter, his family traveled to Villa de Leiva, he decided to stay and was repeated again what he said on Friday. "I am going to devote solely to my book" But on Friday he had learned that ... a new Knights of the Zodiac game was out for the PlayStation 2, and that they had spent $ 11,000usd on plants for the construction of scenarios of the new Superman movie and saw the passion of Christ skipping the flogging scene.

On Thursday he sat 12 hours on the computer, after having slept another 12, he was glad to learn that t.A.T.u is recording a new album in Los Angeles, saw for the nineteenth time trailer for the new Batman movie. Instant messaged for an hour with people that are either far away, homosexuals or masochistic.

On Saturday, he decided to rest from the computer, drawing for a long time a deep blue-eyed boy he daydreamed, and then reorganized its action figures with special care of the "Capita Ray" figure which is valued at $ 2000usd, and finally saw Tim Burton's Batman and Batman Returns for the 20^th time.

By Sunday, the family had returned, and took refuge in his room to watch a marathon of the Trial of Michael Jackson.

"Like the Sphinx when it lost its nose” he whispers when asked how he feels. But then he smiled at me to repeat what I said before "is the book or suicide"

It was a boring week for everyone, even for him. And tortures himself and wonders "why is his life is not more?" he is upset and knows that he will lie on Monday to his classmates, and say that he traveled to Villa de Leiva. Finally, it is comforting to think that he is a romantic, that life is more, and that in another life he will no longer be the same.

(3 days late)

He is my demon master

He is my demon master, he is that little person that wakes up all the nasty things I have inside me. I just can’t stand to hate and want someone that much at the same time.

I met him during my first days at the new school, a skinny little guy, with a Ralph Macchio syndrome going on. He has tanned skin, black eyes and black hair. He has a cute body, but a horrible voice. Anyway he is the most bullied person in the whole school, he is pretty annoying, and very submissive someone you just want to humiliate to his bones. I was pretty shocked he was from my class but didn’t really care; he was kind to me at first he must have really thought we were going to end up being friends.

That was until I heard a lot of humiliating stories about him, how they broke all his stuff, played soccer with his schoolbag, throw him to puddles etc. so once I was drinking some juice in the bus and he asked me some, I dint thought it much but I just poured some of it over him. He asked why, but I just said that I liked to be soaked with juice, and that if he wanted some of mine he would have to let me pour things over him. So he accepted, I started with juice and water, every chance I got I just soaked him up. He seemed to enjoy it and so did I. I remember clearly poring juice over his head and shirt in the bus; I also remember throwing juice over him from the second floor at school. 

Then I came up with this rule “I’ll never give you anything unless you are humiliated" he accepted and that was pretty humiliating for starters. People in the bus started to notice the water pouring, so we made up we were in water fight. So I had to get water once in a while, we even took turns to pour water on each other. People really enjoyed seeing Obsidian get humiliated I poured water down his chest, back, head and shoes. Once he even got balloons to school to make water fight. For some reason I still don’t understand I felt sick and couldn’t play. I remember he got all the balloons and poured the water over him really slowly.

One time the entire bus was watching us pouring water on each other. And I made him sit, and made him bend over, so I could see his back, but I got the water bottle and poured the water inside the back of his pants, people loved it and shouted Obsidian lot of things, Obsidian wasn’t willing to receive all the insults so he did to me the same. I really enjoyed the little stream of water going from my lower back down and feel my underwear get slowly wet, the people shouting, the humiliation, it was great. After that I made him sit up straight, I got the front part of his pants waistband and poured cold water inside. People yelled a lot more, the I got mi hands over his belt and took it off, then got my hands over the fly and unzipped it I opened his pants as much as I could, I got a pretty great shot to a really cute and really tight pair of ridiculous mickey mouse briefs, the were white with mickey mouse faces all over them. I got the water poured almost all of what was left of the water over them. Obsidian kind of jumped a little bit I immediately held his pants opened and saw his briefs get soaked completely. After that I arrived home I and let him completely soaked in the bus.

That wasn’t the last time he got his underwear soaked that way, we had kind of a ritual now, I kept bringing water and he just got his belt off and opened his pants for me to pour it over his briefs. he rarely wanted to do it over my boxers something I regret, he said that with boxers on wasn’t fun, so I bought a pair of briefs like his and I got him to do it once or twice not very good. I wanted to be humiliated as I have humiliated him. But he just wouldn’t. Then it got a little bit heavier. He had a really old school uniform, and his gym shirt was all ripped over the shoulders. Once while pouring water over his chest I got my hands over his shoulders and ripped his gym shirt, it was really great seeing his chest that way. He sews it for the next morning and I had to beg him like for a month to let me rip his shirt completely. 

One day he brought another shirt to school and told him that I could destroy that one, I said that the fun was in hem having it on. On the bus I made him take his gym shirt off, and put the one he brought, on. I got really excited and ripped that shirt too fast so I really couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would have liked, anyway I made him stay with the ripped shirt all the way, and minutes before I arrived home made him swap shirts again... that cute chest,  a boy's one. I got to rip his shirt again... and made him beg like a dog… then I made him close his eyes, I licked his face and chest. In the end of the year he gave me his gym shirt as a present. I still have it in case he is willing to get humiliated like that again. Then we were at his house… we played bomber man on the dream cast. His sister played... she treated him pretty badly.

Than it was, what Obsidian called the lowest point; once we were arguing in the bus he started acting stupidly (as always) and bends over like he had done on the water incident. I told him that if he didn’t sit up right I will give him a wedgie, he didn’t know what that was, and so I just got my hands on his aquamarine tiny briefs and pulled them over as hard as I could. After that it was wedgie time every time, I really enjoyed it sometimes I just grab his undies and kept them pulled up during the whole time in the bus. Then I got to give him a really vicious wedgie and ripped his tiny gray briefs off. After that he said he had gone to low, it was a really hard wedgie and Begged to me to stop. He said he had toughed the bottom, but I kept humiliating him for a while more. Than he started acting like a dog, and obeyed all my commands he even gave himself wedgies and melvins, I love seeing giving himself some melvins he has great abs and the most cute briefs collection ever… once I got him to pee himself after gym class. Then he was my personal doll, he would stay still and I could do with him whatever I wanted, I gave him wedgies Melvins shirt locked him. I wanted to Keg him but he never let me.

He also asked me for help in an English text, I told him to humiliate himself; he kneeled down and kissed my feet, ha has also eaten garbage for food and told me humiliating stories about him. 

Now we hate each other with all our hearts, we have fought so many times, for some reason I have told him all my fetishes and that I’m bisexual. Now he thinks he has the power and doesn’t let to be humiliated that easy. He is still humiliated by everyone at school. Although he now has a bully "friend “that uses him to get access to his PS2. I wish I could make him my humiliation slave or make him my master. He is really annoying and brings out of me the worst things. When he is around I just lose my mind, and become the most despicable person ever. 

Pretty much of what I know about myself is kind of root in my philosophical, ideas, my religious ides, my love ideas, even my aesthetic ideas... and everything I find great..... But I’m freaked about my sexual ideas, I’ve been tortured my whole life with em, it’s beyond sad, it’s pathetic.

(16 days late)

Watching TV has become an addiction again

Watching TV has become an addiction again, I’m following like at least 12 different series, some already ended their run some are recent, but I just can’t stop myself. 

(12 days late)

A note to a certain old friend

Probably no one who attempts suicide, as Regnier shows in one of his short stories, is fully aware of all his motives, which are usually too complex. At least in my case it is prompted by a vague sense of anxiety, a vague sense of anxiety about my own future. 

Over the last two years or so I have thought only of death, and with special interest read a remarkable account of the process of death. While the author did this in abstract terms, I will be as concrete as I can, even to the point of sounding inhuman. At this point I am duty bound to be honest. As for my vague sense of anxiety about my own future, I think I analyzed it all in A Fool's Life, except for a social factor, namely the shadow of feudalism cast over my life. This I omitted purposely, not at all certain that I could really clarify the social context in which I lived.  

Once deciding on suicide (I do not regard it as a sin, as Westerners do), I worked out the least painful means of carrying it out. Thus I precluded hanging, shooting, leaping, and other manners of suicide for aesthetic and practical reasons. Use of a drug seemed to be perhaps the most satisfactory way. As for place, it had to be my own house, whatever inconvenience to my surviving family. As a sort of springboard I, as Kleist and Racine had done, thought of some company, for instance, a lover or friend, but, having soon grown confident of myself, I decided to go ahead alone. And the last thing I had to weigh was to insure perfect execution without the knowledge of my family. After several months' preparation I have at last become certain of its possibility. 

We humans, being human animals, do have an animal fear of death. The so-called vitality is but another name for animal strength. I myself am one of these human animals. And this animal strength, it seems, has gradually drained out of my system, judging by the fact that I am left with little appetite for food and women. The world I am now in is one of diseased nerves, lucid as ice. Such voluntary death must give us peace, if not happiness. Now that I am ready, I find nature more beautiful than ever, paradoxical as this may sound. I have seen, loved, and understood more than others. In this at least I have a measure of satisfaction, despite all the pain I have thus far had to endure.  

P.S. Reading a life of Empedocles, I felt how old is this desire to make a god of oneself. This letter, so far as I am conscious, never attempts this. On the contrary, I consider myself one of the most common humans. You may recall those days of twenty years ago when we discussed "Empedocles on Etna" - under the linden trees. In those days I was one who wished to make a god of myself. 

This letter was left to a friend by Rynosuke Akutagawa before committing suicide, at the age of 35. Pill Overdose.

Absurd, that is what it is: absurd.

Absurd, that is what it is: absurd. 

The absurdity of my life ... wow, It’s been a while since I wrote in Spanish for myself and only to myself I feel weird ... English has become the language with which I talk about myself and the truth be told I'm not very good at it.

I feel defeated, finished as dried fruit, as wet bread ... repulsive, worthless and disposable. To say that death is all I wish for would only be repeating something I have always known.

I Failed ... Yes, today he finally said it, "He" told me ... You Failed ... I will not thrive. I will die, and go ... I will be ignored and forgotten...

With you I am not myself, without you ... and I cannot be. ... Yes, I've lost my mind.

I screwed up I know I screwed up ... I feel so, AGH! .... I’m a looser a complete looser, I lost.

1. So ... How it feels like to be a looser?

How do you think it feels...?

2. You hoped to be one someday?

The truth is--- yes, I’ve always expected to be a loser ... always ... I don’t know what prevented me to see I already was one really.

3. You always thought you were a loser?

Sure.... How could I not be? Everything has always been ... a great loss.

4. What are you doing tomorrow?

LOL, that’s funny, I will not do anything because there's nothing I can do ... I'm tired.

5. Or not doing the slightest effort to get over it?

No ... the truth is, it does not matter ... the truth is I've reached bottom...

6. And no one cares?

No one.... not enough to help me or drag me. ... Not that I would allow it ... what a loser does is to keep himself lost...

7. You hate yourself?

Sure ... but not that I even that I care ... I just want to go.

9. This is insane...

A statement or a question?

10. It is an affirmation. Do you repent at all what you have just written?

Of course I regret it... but it makes no difference. I will stay where I am... I have no motivation for anything else.

11. Could it be you’re afraid of something else??

It’s the same thing anyways, wither its fear of a lack of motivations ... I do nothing.

12. How did you know you were a loser?

"He" told me

13. "He"? As in God?

Yes, as in god ... he told me, he confessed the truth, after asking him too much he showed me the reality, He took off the bandage that hopes and dreams are.

14. You realize how absurd it sounds like this?

You really hope something from this interview to make any sense?

15. Guess not.... in which way you experience your failure?

In every time I think about what I’ve started and did not finish... in everything I finished and it was not the best it could be, and in everything I never started at all. ... There are a thousand and one ways of saying the same thing...

16. How does it feel like to be you?

Empty... It is not painful, but it is not nice... just empty.

 Maybe there is a feeling that something is over your head about to fall ... a great joy or a great sadness

17. What would you say to anyone in this situation?

Mmmm.... Nothing, certainly not a soul would care for what I have to say.

(7 days late)

Sweet Prince's Heaven

Sweet Prince's Heaven

That world, my world my heaven that place where all my dreams and desires come true, where I can experiment all those wonderful things I know. This is what god might have felt, the knowledge of a feeling is nothing if it can't be originally felt, being conscious about it is not enough. People may not understand what my heaven is.... and to explain it is hard to.

Millions of stories, all equally great, and the stories my soul mates will all create, all an incredible paradise... something never seen before. And then is me.... Xag, the cutest being ever made perfect as I can be... happy incredibly happy all the time, capable of feeling everything and be happy about it.... a kid, 10 - 15 years old, the kid destined to save the world he created with his friends and to other people. 

God knows that thinking about this, makes me happy. Sometimes is too strong and gets me out of this world, is my fantastic and great craziness!!!! that one I love so much... my neurosis and my hysterical side.... my sarcastic comments, the beauty and good in the most horrible and sad experiences.... cuz all its perfect Ying and yang all combined in a perfect delicious way.... its like imagine the taste of the most incredible food ever, like discovering the philosophers stone, like being god!!!!!! And sure it feels great!!!!!!

In "The Client" movie there was this bit, I replayed over and over, a line spoken by the boy protagonist; it was something like:

- "I hate drunk people, they always say they are not drinking anymore, but they always do and come at night to beat you up, and you have to defend yourself with a bat for your life […] I told the judge all about the beatings and the humiliation and how has made us sleep outside" 

And I think now, I wished I was that boy, don't know why tormentors and sad pasts attract me, I really wish my dad would have beat me up and I wished that real bullies tortured me at school. But no, my life has been so simple, so empty... this life was chosen for me to not have strong feelings for anything, it’s so gray, there are no sad things or happy things, just things, boring things. I guess this is why I dream so much about completely sad and completely joyful experiences, because I can't stand the world in gray as it is.

(12 days late)

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

 What the hell you think you are doing?

I don’t care for anyone. Only two random people have ever captured my attention in my life and I don’t know any of them. 

I remember being with my dad in the car and one boy came to clean the windows, he was my age 12 or 13 y/o he had this…  look…  in his eyes, like if we both at the same time wished to be in each other’s place. Year later in an hotel pool a rich cute boy also my age (15-16 y/o) was there in the pool looking at the ocean and I saw a something in his eyes in his eyes... he was lonely.

I bought a Wicca book but my mom had my money so she had to buy it for me, now she is at her room looking at it and commenting it with my sisters.

I want to suicide so much... but I can’t, I’m such a coward... I've had that knife in my hand so many times for such a long time but I still don’t. I have someone that I think is worried about me, but that isn’t enough. 

(1 day late)

In the middle of my frustrated fears

In the middle of my frustrated fears

I know this isn't the way I’d like my diary to start but that’s it, I feel awful, my soul is sick and I can’t think straight. I feel like going to vomit again. 

I really screwed it up today, Camilla (previous school acquaintance) called today as she needed to sell some tickets for a party, I was so confused I couldn’t tell her I didn’t want to go so she told me she'd come here to give me the ticket 6$ each. the thing is I feel like a looser, got no style, got acne, have no friends, my room is a mess n' don’t even like my hair.

I couldn’t deal showing up as a looser, so I told the building doorman to tell Camilla that no one was home. of course I thought it was going to be very rude of me so called her back to tell her I wouldn’t go to the party so she wouldn’t bother coming over my house, the thing was that she insisted in coming, so she came over and the watchman told her there was nobody as requested. 

So she called by cellphone here and my sister Alnitak picked up the phone a furious Camilla shouted mad and told her she was a little bitch. I imagined from time to time how it would be when I'd meet my classmates from Tilatá again but I always saw me in a rather better position that O am now. I suffered a lot at Tilatá and in part was because of Camilla, I hate myself and what I’ve become, I hate my lack of courage… my shyness.

I now wish that this day has never begun I want to wake up tomorrow and be Monday morning again so I can do it all over again. Right.

(84 days late)

I lost myself

I lost myself, and I don't know who I am again, how is it possible so recently I was so sure of being Xag...

 I doubt it now, not completely, but it is strange... I don’t know what it is. What is it I'm supposed to be? What I should do? Something simply got lost.

As usual Obsidian is angry with me, and keeps calling me "faggot" (which no longer bothers me as much, or so I think) A horrible feeling came back, I remember when I wasn’t Tilatá. I woke up feeling like wanting to die and just fuck everything to hell. It's a horrible feeling is just pure and absolute sadness and fatigue combined into a single feeling of ending the world, no one can have a good day after waking up that way. Awaking with a thought like "Please god help me!" Is pretty strange, I had not talked to Him in a while, as if I had needed for a very long time. I feel so helpless and just know that something is missing... just not sure what…

(6 days late)

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now

I needed to mourn and I'm happy to do it now. I just feel I could do so much if I had him next to me, my best friend. I feel it could all be so easy and so simple, I could improve many things. I need you...

I’ve been talking to Xag, why the hell? I keep treating him... me… as another person, people say you should always be your best friend, but I think I'm separating the Xag side of me to become my best friend ... I want to be him, but he knows too much ... I asked him to cry with me, crying for being alone with not best friend, but he only responded with phrases like "you know you'll have it.”.

Why is he separating from me? He must have a weakness ... I see his eyes are watery, he hurts for me, cries for me....

Ok this is crazy talk... I see a person sit there and mourn and I desperately want to be him. I just want that. I hate my life ... I’d better go to sleep…

(4 days late)

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)