I keep searching

My emotional support system has resided in sporadic kind words from strangers who assure me I do have something. Only the people whom I’ve called "friends" (more out of desperation than from real sense of friendship) have told me I’m really not going to make it, and if I do, it will take me years and years.

I know have no serious expectations from publishing anything in the next 5 to 10 years. Actually the thought that I will die without ever seeing my work "out" is even more persistent. I’m haunted by this thought that my work will be meaningless while I live. Even when I think of the moment I finish my book... I think, I must die after or otherwise it will all be just pointless.

I guess, what I’m really hoping is for someone to tell me, that I’m terribly wrong, that I made mistake, a terrible mistake... that writing was not my thing, but to do something else, something I’m truly great at and I just haven’t realized!

I’m back waiting for a savior… 

(31 days late)

I promised myself I wouldn't be … well… me…

I promised myself, I wouldn't be … well… me… That I'll stay alive till I passed the original Pokémon green for GB and capture Mew. I wouldn't commit suicide till Year seven of the harry potter seven arrived, I promised myself that I would get one cool haircut in my life, that I would not care about what people think or say. 

I'm going to try to keep my word on that last one. 

I got this on my mail today:

E-mail: holly_nin@yahoo.com   <Omar Eduardo Arango "Quiñones">

Comment:   Dear fag...oops I mean Xag:   First of all, allow me ask u something: have u no life, no friends (I mean normal friends) no nothing??...Oh wait a sec, I guess u do have something: NO SHAME WHATSOEVER for being who u are and doing the most pathetic work there has yet to be done. As a classmate on "taller de television" I've got to say I was kind of disturbed by your presence and your horrifying lack of fashion. And the hair, something to kill yourself for!!   One more thing before living this hideous site, PLEASE DON'T EVER POST VIDEOS WHERE U TELL THE WORLD YOU'RE STUDYING AT UNIVERSITY SERGIO ARBOLEDA, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING FOR US BIG TIME!!!   On behave of everybody who's NOT A FREAK LIKE U, thanks for the chance of posting this comment and please do try to not leave your house from time to time so people don't get traumatized by your looks.   Take good care of yourself.   

Sincerely   

Not a fan of your shity work AT ALL.

No more videos. 

(12 days late)

Interior

Interior                      

It sheds a shy solemnity,
This lamp in our poor room.
O grey and gold amenity,--
Silence and gentle gloom!
Wide from the world, a stolen hour
We claim, and none may know
How love blooms like a tardy flower
Here in the day's after-glow.
And even should the world break in
With jealous threat and guile,
The world, at last, must bow and win
Our pity and a smile.

1926

The legend tells that:

At noon on April 26, 1932 Hart Crane yelled, "Goodbye everyone," and jumped off the deck of the S. S. Orizaba to voluntarily submit to death in some undetermined point off the Florida coast.

In this way he put the end to the most heartbreaking of his texts his own life.

Portrayal of a Daydream

Now this is stupid, I’ve kept staring and watching him, and sometimes I had the feeling, he was checking me back... I would turn around, and he would look away swiftly and things like that. Eventually, we ended up in separate laboratory classes, and he personally talked to the teacher to take the same one I was in.

Well, I know that doesn’t mean anything... but I got more and more into believing that this apparent interest signals were real, before I knew, I was daydreaming constantly, every second of everyday... about his freckles, and his body and well... not long before I was married to him in my mind. Finally I got to talk to him a couple of words during photography... I was so into him... but of course not five minutes after that, I found myself talking about him to my dear friend Tatiana... I didn’t think she knew him, but then she said that she had noticed him a lot, he kept staring at her…

(9 days late)

I’m sorry

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, really I just didn’t know.... please forgive all the horrible things I made u feel, please forgive all the awful words I used but most of all please forgive all the things I never did....

I’m no writer, who I am kidding? It’s been 2 weeks with nothing to do but write and I haven’t written a word. I’m no artist, I have been dead inside longer than I can remember...

I feel lonely, and frustrated and hopeless... I feel miserable. And I know misery we spend quite a long time writing an essay about it with my sisters. I’m sorry my sisters, I’ve let you down in so many ways, the same to my father and not to mention my mother’s.... boy I screwed up big time.... I’m so sorry, I couldn’t keep my grades up, and I’m sorry I wasn't able to be the person you needed me to be.

I’m sorry I failed my teachers, I’m sorry I disappointed all my... acquaintances....

I’m sorry god, yes you my dear god, whom I haven’t spoken to since those long rides in my school bus, I’m sorry I never truly learned all u told me... I’m sorry my guardian angel, I worn out your energies to help me.

most of all, I’m sorry my friends, you know who you are even if u don’t who I am, I failed in this life, I just couldn’t make it... I love u with all my soul, with all my being, I hope u find a way forgive me... and I know well meet again in the end and beginning of all times... I may just be a little late.

Finally I feel sorry for myself, yes I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person I dreamt up to be. I’m sorry I let opportunities pass, I’m sorry I let valuable people go, I’m sorry I can’t travel in time and change the past, I’m sorry, o so sorry.... I’m sorry, my dear book, Nikolas, Joan, Eli and Alnitak...I’m sorry I may never finish your story... I’m sorry you’re doomed in oblivion because of my lack of talent, imagination and will...

Please dear reader I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I made you read this, I’m sorry I profaned language in devious and empty words, the only consolation I can give you is... yes teenagers tend to be very dramatic.

(8 days late)

Loneliness

I was 16 months in my first school, 72 months in my second school, another 10 months in my third school and another 60 in my last school... plus the 4 months I’ve been in collage

All these are a bunch of 162 months or about 4860 days of sharing with people about 8 hours a day, every week day for more than 10 years. Want to know how many friends I’ve made?

None.

(38 days late)

During our school's cultural week, we had tons and tons of free time. Sounds like a lot of fun, but it really was disappointing. Just having that kind of time without having to work or study, really opened my eyes. It was so boring!!! I guess I just realized how stupid and empty they are. They just stressed me, their stupid routines, their cake face, their lack of maturity.

I realized that life is more than school and stupid jokes. Now I see, they have absolutely no compassion or interest for anything else. They are sadist; they love blood and see other people injured. And if that’s not enough then they'll make it more bloody and cruel up to a maximum point. To hear them talk like that gave me nausea. Then the same comments come again, and again, and again, and again.

How can people forget about pain? About feelings? Is just not right. Today we were on recess and I was reading when they kicked me in the eye with a ball. It really hurt, but no one noticed what had happened, so I don’t know why I needed to get attention or somebody to get worried, so I covered my eye like if blood had come out and ran. When I got to the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror, there I was, and a looser that no one cared about. I even got some red paint form my locker and tried to make like if blood had really come out. Then I realized how pathetic it was and washed it off. I came two of them asked how I was and what had happened. They didn’t laugh, but they didn’t cared either. Just like "if he dies, Ok, if he doesn’t, its Ok I guess”.

But the truth is I can't stand people who laughs about an afghan woman who gets killed on a football stadium like my "friends" do. Sorry. 

1 day late