Grated Carrot

 Grated Carrot

The first suicide is unique.
They always ask you if it was an accident
or a sincere proposition of death.
They shove a tube up your nose,
hard,
it hurts,
and you learn to not disturb the neighbors.
When you begin to explain that
death-actually-seemed-like-the-only-way-out
or that you did it
to-fuck-up-your-husband-and-your-family
they have all turned their backs
and are watching the transparent tube,
retrieving the parade of your last supper.
Betting on whether its noodles or fried rice.
The doctor on duty coldly tells them:
it’s grated carrot.
“Disgusting,“ says the nurse with big lips.
They disposed of me furiously
because no one won the bet.
The saline dispersed quickly
and ten minutes later,
I was back at my house.
No space to mourn
nor time to feel cold and tremble.
People are unconcerned with death that comes from loving too much.
Child’s play
they say
as if children killed themselves every day.
I looked in Hammett for this exact page:
never tell a word about your life
in any book,
if you can help it.

Miyo Vestrini, died by suicide on November 29, 1991, at 53. Cut her veins. 

Loneliness

I was 16 months in my first school, 72 months in my second school, another 10 months in my third school and another 60 in my last school... plus the 4 months I’ve been in collage

All these are a bunch of 162 months or about 4860 days of sharing with people about 8 hours a day, every week day for more than 10 years. Want to know how many friends I’ve made?

None.

(38 days late)

Absurd, that is what it is: absurd.

Absurd, that is what it is: absurd. 

The absurdity of my life ... wow, It’s been a while since I wrote in Spanish for myself and only to myself I feel weird ... English has become the language with which I talk about myself and the truth be told I'm not very good at it.

I feel defeated, finished as dried fruit, as wet bread ... repulsive, worthless and disposable. To say that death is all I wish for would only be repeating something I have always known.

I Failed ... Yes, today he finally said it, "He" told me ... You Failed ... I will not thrive. I will die, and go ... I will be ignored and forgotten...

With you I am not myself, without you ... and I cannot be. ... Yes, I've lost my mind.

I screwed up I know I screwed up ... I feel so, AGH! .... I’m a looser a complete looser, I lost.

1. So ... How it feels like to be a looser?

How do you think it feels...?

2. You hoped to be one someday?

The truth is--- yes, I’ve always expected to be a loser ... always ... I don’t know what prevented me to see I already was one really.

3. You always thought you were a loser?

Sure.... How could I not be? Everything has always been ... a great loss.

4. What are you doing tomorrow?

LOL, that’s funny, I will not do anything because there's nothing I can do ... I'm tired.

5. Or not doing the slightest effort to get over it?

No ... the truth is, it does not matter ... the truth is I've reached bottom...

6. And no one cares?

No one.... not enough to help me or drag me. ... Not that I would allow it ... what a loser does is to keep himself lost...

7. You hate yourself?

Sure ... but not that I even that I care ... I just want to go.

9. This is insane...

A statement or a question?

10. It is an affirmation. Do you repent at all what you have just written?

Of course I regret it... but it makes no difference. I will stay where I am... I have no motivation for anything else.

11. Could it be you’re afraid of something else??

It’s the same thing anyways, wither its fear of a lack of motivations ... I do nothing.

12. How did you know you were a loser?

"He" told me

13. "He"? As in God?

Yes, as in god ... he told me, he confessed the truth, after asking him too much he showed me the reality, He took off the bandage that hopes and dreams are.

14. You realize how absurd it sounds like this?

You really hope something from this interview to make any sense?

15. Guess not.... in which way you experience your failure?

In every time I think about what I’ve started and did not finish... in everything I finished and it was not the best it could be, and in everything I never started at all. ... There are a thousand and one ways of saying the same thing...

16. How does it feel like to be you?

Empty... It is not painful, but it is not nice... just empty.

 Maybe there is a feeling that something is over your head about to fall ... a great joy or a great sadness

17. What would you say to anyone in this situation?

Mmmm.... Nothing, certainly not a soul would care for what I have to say.

(7 days late)

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter.

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter. 

I don’t know if it only happens to me, but it kind of produces something inside me. Makes me think of something better and magical… and magical as in real magic. It just makes me wonder and feel that any day your life could drastically change and be great. 

It’s been almost three longish years since I first read harry potter, it’s cool reading it again since I don’t remember much of the things. I can’t stop wishing I could be there in the story somewhere somehow, I don’t want to change the story because is great as it is. Just want to add me to it.

 This reminds me of saying:

 "What do you prefer, to make sense or to be happy?"

What do I want to be happy? I can’t even... no, I don’t know, this is frustrating, but I guess that a big part of it is to get know who I am. How lame that came out… What do I chose in relation of who I am and who I want to be. 

I feel sad... Maybe is beyond sadness… just is compassion for myself... I feel so cold, I feel trapped. I need to get free. Don’t have a clue of how, but I need to.

(3 days late)

Sweet Prince's Heaven

Sweet Prince's Heaven

That world, my world my heaven that place where all my dreams and desires come true, where I can experiment all those wonderful things I know. This is what god might have felt, the knowledge of a feeling is nothing if it can't be originally felt, being conscious about it is not enough. People may not understand what my heaven is.... and to explain it is hard to.

Millions of stories, all equally great, and the stories my soul mates will all create, all an incredible paradise... something never seen before. And then is me.... Xag, the cutest being ever made perfect as I can be... happy incredibly happy all the time, capable of feeling everything and be happy about it.... a kid, 10 - 15 years old, the kid destined to save the world he created with his friends and to other people. 

God knows that thinking about this, makes me happy. Sometimes is too strong and gets me out of this world, is my fantastic and great craziness!!!! that one I love so much... my neurosis and my hysterical side.... my sarcastic comments, the beauty and good in the most horrible and sad experiences.... cuz all its perfect Ying and yang all combined in a perfect delicious way.... its like imagine the taste of the most incredible food ever, like discovering the philosophers stone, like being god!!!!!! And sure it feels great!!!!!!

In "The Client" movie there was this bit, I replayed over and over, a line spoken by the boy protagonist; it was something like:

- "I hate drunk people, they always say they are not drinking anymore, but they always do and come at night to beat you up, and you have to defend yourself with a bat for your life […] I told the judge all about the beatings and the humiliation and how has made us sleep outside" 

And I think now, I wished I was that boy, don't know why tormentors and sad pasts attract me, I really wish my dad would have beat me up and I wished that real bullies tortured me at school. But no, my life has been so simple, so empty... this life was chosen for me to not have strong feelings for anything, it’s so gray, there are no sad things or happy things, just things, boring things. I guess this is why I dream so much about completely sad and completely joyful experiences, because I can't stand the world in gray as it is.

(12 days late)

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok, in some way it’s not.

I simply don’t trust you, I don’t. Even although we have lived all my life together and we have many things in common, I can’t feel comfortable with you. This has become sick, because it’s come to point where I can’t be myself with you, but I need to be a totally opposite person. it’s just how it happens, I’m totally forced by some force to be someone I’m not when I’m with you, or with my sisters, that's why I am rude, that's why I'm selfish. 

In school I'm a totally different person, there in school, I'm the nice, inoffensive, submissive, giving one, but when I'm home I just get to be totally different and it’s wrong, it should be all upside down, here I should be the cute, nice one. And in school the nasty one. Because it hasn’t worked in any side

Tonight when you asked why you loved me, I said what I think it’s true "you don’t know me". You don’t really know me, not even half of me, part because I don’t let you, part because you don’t want to. It’s so unbelievable, that seeing our faces for such a long time, every day of my life, we still are so distant each other.

The things you say and do prove it, how can you even think I close up in my room to see porn, how can’t you notice when I’m lying, how can you ever think  that I would become ameinian(er) in a mixed school, and become a straight  man in an all-male school?. How could you let me go live with my dad? You were scared, and all your fucking family (and I know it’s true, because I heard you), that I might become ameinian; I hate you for it… like if it was something bad.

I was 14, obviously getting interested in girls and you took them away. I could have been such a great guy, and not the thing I’m right now, an almost bisexual being, trying to find its own identity. I grew in an all-girl family, how you imagined I was going to act? I was the ideal guy, that one you describe in movies, but you give me up to my dad (LOOK at the kind of man he is!!!) and you put me in an all-boys  school, with all the nasty words, and uninvolved thoughts, you screwed me up.

How could I trust you, if you kept passing judgment on me, and it wasn’t even like if you knew I was ameinian, you only thought I could become one.... how could I trust you, how could I show you who I really am?

I have absolutely no confidence with you, not at all... I don’t have the kind of confidence to tell you what I think or feel, for some reason I’m ashamed if you see me doing anything spiritual, I don’t want you to take witchcraft from me, that’s why tried to hide it from you. No I can’t go and buy my underwear with you, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with you, I don’t want to talk anything about sex with you, don’t want to discuss it with you, don’t want to see it with you.

I love you, as a child loves his mother. but I don’t want to love you that way, I also want to love you as a friend, I want you to care for me, I don’t want you to over protect me. I want you to give me some space and stop bothering by such little and insignificant things like my hair and my nails. I want you to really teach me something in life. I want you to stop living for us and start living for yourself; I want you to be clean at stuff... I want you to be open about me and what I can become.

I grew up, I'm not your kid anymore, it’s enough, there's no more baby Jesus, there’s no more birthday parties or reunions, there is not more constant solving problems. it’s not that I hate your family just because, as I told you before, I heard them, I have experimented it, the "only girls do that" judgment, they tried to make my cousins to make me act like them and show me porn.... I know what Sylvia tells his son... “you could end up like Xag..." again like it’s a bad thing.

and after all, now that I’m the disgusting male you wanted me to be, you and my sisters dare to criticize me… of how I speak, how I behave... you wanted me to be a boy, didn’t you? Here I am... a guy a totally different person from what I really am....

(6 days late)

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

If I reach myself, I've reached heaven.

 What the hell you think you are doing?

I don’t care for anyone. Only two random people have ever captured my attention in my life and I don’t know any of them. 

I remember being with my dad in the car and one boy came to clean the windows, he was my age 12 or 13 y/o he had this…  look…  in his eyes, like if we both at the same time wished to be in each other’s place. Year later in an hotel pool a rich cute boy also my age (15-16 y/o) was there in the pool looking at the ocean and I saw a something in his eyes in his eyes... he was lonely.

I bought a Wicca book but my mom had my money so she had to buy it for me, now she is at her room looking at it and commenting it with my sisters.

I want to suicide so much... but I can’t, I’m such a coward... I've had that knife in my hand so many times for such a long time but I still don’t. I have someone that I think is worried about me, but that isn’t enough. 

(1 day late)