I know somehow that our relationship is not ok

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok, in some way it’s not.

I simply don’t trust you, I don’t. Even although we have lived all my life together and we have many things in common, I can’t feel comfortable with you. This has become sick, because it’s come to point where I can’t be myself with you, but I need to be a totally opposite person. it’s just how it happens, I’m totally forced by some force to be someone I’m not when I’m with you, or with my sisters, that's why I am rude, that's why I'm selfish. 

In school I'm a totally different person, there in school, I'm the nice, inoffensive, submissive, giving one, but when I'm home I just get to be totally different and it’s wrong, it should be all upside down, here I should be the cute, nice one. And in school the nasty one. Because it hasn’t worked in any side

Tonight when you asked why you loved me, I said what I think it’s true "you don’t know me". You don’t really know me, not even half of me, part because I don’t let you, part because you don’t want to. It’s so unbelievable, that seeing our faces for such a long time, every day of my life, we still are so distant each other.

The things you say and do prove it, how can you even think I close up in my room to see porn, how can’t you notice when I’m lying, how can you ever think  that I would become ameinian(er) in a mixed school, and become a straight  man in an all-male school?. How could you let me go live with my dad? You were scared, and all your fucking family (and I know it’s true, because I heard you), that I might become ameinian; I hate you for it… like if it was something bad.

I was 14, obviously getting interested in girls and you took them away. I could have been such a great guy, and not the thing I’m right now, an almost bisexual being, trying to find its own identity. I grew in an all-girl family, how you imagined I was going to act? I was the ideal guy, that one you describe in movies, but you give me up to my dad (LOOK at the kind of man he is!!!) and you put me in an all-boys  school, with all the nasty words, and uninvolved thoughts, you screwed me up.

How could I trust you, if you kept passing judgment on me, and it wasn’t even like if you knew I was ameinian, you only thought I could become one.... how could I trust you, how could I show you who I really am?

I have absolutely no confidence with you, not at all... I don’t have the kind of confidence to tell you what I think or feel, for some reason I’m ashamed if you see me doing anything spiritual, I don’t want you to take witchcraft from me, that’s why tried to hide it from you. No I can’t go and buy my underwear with you, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with you, I don’t want to talk anything about sex with you, don’t want to discuss it with you, don’t want to see it with you.

I love you, as a child loves his mother. but I don’t want to love you that way, I also want to love you as a friend, I want you to care for me, I don’t want you to over protect me. I want you to give me some space and stop bothering by such little and insignificant things like my hair and my nails. I want you to really teach me something in life. I want you to stop living for us and start living for yourself; I want you to be clean at stuff... I want you to be open about me and what I can become.

I grew up, I'm not your kid anymore, it’s enough, there's no more baby Jesus, there’s no more birthday parties or reunions, there is not more constant solving problems. it’s not that I hate your family just because, as I told you before, I heard them, I have experimented it, the "only girls do that" judgment, they tried to make my cousins to make me act like them and show me porn.... I know what Sylvia tells his son... “you could end up like Xag..." again like it’s a bad thing.

and after all, now that I’m the disgusting male you wanted me to be, you and my sisters dare to criticize me… of how I speak, how I behave... you wanted me to be a boy, didn’t you? Here I am... a guy a totally different person from what I really am....

(6 days late)