I am an artist...

This time is different

Jesus died accused of witchcraft

I am tired and bored of looking for happiness...

I am tired and bored of looking for happiness... sometime I doubt it actually exists, even when I see heaven I doubt it, but why is that? I forgot about love. What is love anyway?

Let’s look at Xena and Gabriel, that’s definitely love, it’s amazing that fight and redemption could actually make that kind of love. I mean they are so different but after all they have been through its impossible not to love each other. I mean Gabriel gave up everything she had worked on so hard to save Xena. It just that when love is so strong anything else matters. 

Now look at Tintin and Tchang or Milou. Tintin loves both and it willing to give his life for both. Tchang helped Tintin on the Blue Lotus and its unbelievable how a deep love and just sensing he is alive without any prove goes and risks his life in Tibet to save him. Milou is also special, love for a being without asking anything in exchange, that's amazing. Captain haddock is no exception, he may not look like but he would never leave Tintin alone, even if his life is in danger too, they may not be soul mates, but is the true friendship love. Maybe that’s what I have with Aiacos.

Look at the dc universe, fist the Kent family took in a child they found, in adoption and raised him as theirs. Imagine the commitment to actually do that, to give your life for someone who needs it. Now just look at superman, having that power that gift and fight for mankind, for what’s right,, to give up your power to do anything… anything and live life to save the world… to save the world, the biggest commitment of love, to give yourself for everyone, that makes a hero, and I have always love heroes. 

The simple idea of being a hero and save the world is amazing. 

“Don’t cry for a world that fights; fight for a world the cries”.

(11 days late)

So jealous

So cruel….

This guy who saw this diary online wanted to be friends with me and I haven’t let him, that’s so cruel…. He really gives me a weird sensation and has terrible writing. Everything is so screwed up, and I continue studying with no changes… is so pathetic.

Aiacos is such a creep and a bastard, he really makes me feel bad, but I keep hanging out with him. It’s a vicious thing. I’m still waiting for that special person for, but I seriously doubt he/she actually exists. It wasn’t Minos, and I can’t seem to forget Nicolas either, I dreamed with him the other night, it was my birthday and he came over, god he looked great, I remember I took him to the kitchen and made him stand still, and then I hugged him in such a way… 

I need to be hugged like that. 

I now see that he was much more grown up than me, or at least that’s what I think. It is hard for me to sometimes look back and see that I was actually the childish person… or maybe I was the evolved person then and I have un-evolved now and understand the un-evolved too. I don’t think that makes any sense. But need it to say it. Just to say anything, even if it’s totally absurd.

About studying everything is still the same, but my grades are still going down, down, down, down… I’ll probably lose this year, there is just no motivation to go on, absolutely none. I’m scared because I might take Aiacos with me, but what the heck. Everyone tells me that it is something I everyone must go through, like it or not. But I just don’t get it, I mean; I can’t stand doing something I don’t want to do just because everyone has done it. It shouldn’t be that way.

I’d like to do something, for example I dream of leaving all and go to Asia and learn stuff. I probably wouldn’t last long, but is like something you should do. I guess I need a radical change in my life, like a key event or a near death experience.

 Now I have been thinking of faking a suicide, like to try to make someone see I have problems.

 How come no one sees how I am feeling? Probably is the same way I don’t see what all others are feeling. Or I know how they are feeling but I just try to ignore it. I keep on thinking on myself, but not in others, I am selfish. 

I guess that to get interested in other and understand them I must need to know and understand myself. Or maybe not.

(22 days late)