So cruel….

This guy who saw this diary online wanted to be friends with me and I haven’t let him, that’s so cruel…. He really gives me a weird sensation and has terrible writing. Everything is so screwed up, and I continue studying with no changes… is so pathetic.

Aiacos is such a creep and a bastard, he really makes me feel bad, but I keep hanging out with him. It’s a vicious thing. I’m still waiting for that special person for, but I seriously doubt he/she actually exists. It wasn’t Minos, and I can’t seem to forget Nicolas either, I dreamed with him the other night, it was my birthday and he came over, god he looked great, I remember I took him to the kitchen and made him stand still, and then I hugged him in such a way… 

I need to be hugged like that. 

I now see that he was much more grown up than me, or at least that’s what I think. It is hard for me to sometimes look back and see that I was actually the childish person… or maybe I was the evolved person then and I have un-evolved now and understand the un-evolved too. I don’t think that makes any sense. But need it to say it. Just to say anything, even if it’s totally absurd.

About studying everything is still the same, but my grades are still going down, down, down, down… I’ll probably lose this year, there is just no motivation to go on, absolutely none. I’m scared because I might take Aiacos with me, but what the heck. Everyone tells me that it is something I everyone must go through, like it or not. But I just don’t get it, I mean; I can’t stand doing something I don’t want to do just because everyone has done it. It shouldn’t be that way.

I’d like to do something, for example I dream of leaving all and go to Asia and learn stuff. I probably wouldn’t last long, but is like something you should do. I guess I need a radical change in my life, like a key event or a near death experience.

 Now I have been thinking of faking a suicide, like to try to make someone see I have problems.

 How come no one sees how I am feeling? Probably is the same way I don’t see what all others are feeling. Or I know how they are feeling but I just try to ignore it. I keep on thinking on myself, but not in others, I am selfish. 

I guess that to get interested in other and understand them I must need to know and understand myself. Or maybe not.

(22 days late)