We belong to infinity.

 “The extraterrestrials call us; we belong to infinity.  - WKTS 88.”

Was the message found in a coat pocket of one of the two men that decided to die decapitated by resting their heads on a Train Track, near Barcelona. One 47, the other 26.

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

In here I'm nothing, a Cosmic Castaway

But I'm not broken, in my dream I win

And I take over, coz I'm no loser

And I'm in and you're not, bad dreams don't stop

But I'm all screwed up, a Cosmic Castaway,

And I want but have not

Bad dreams, lust thoughts

In here with no pain, you hurt me again

And I want but have none

I should beat the alien

But here I'm no one, a Cosmic Castaway

I miss my friends, if they ever were, while I walk in the street or the mall whenever I see a couple or group of friends having fun... I hurt so badly.  I think  that was my last chance to get friends, it was so stupid I began my friendship with them with a lie, I think maybe Minos, Rhadamanthys and I could have been the best of friends and maybe they were the only ones with whom I could have been capable of friendship... 

Rhadamanthys I do not see often, he has not talked to me in more than a year, Minos, has kept talking to me, but I dislike him, as much as I can dislike someone. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to change schools to get out of this mess that has been my life, I accept that this school has given me so much... beauty and ugliness, and I appreciate it, but it is not possible to fix things there.

I am really scared. Some days ago how super confident I was that I was prepared to flee home to live some kind of adventure. But I couldn’t, it disappoints me, I disappoint myself again and again... I keep taking things from myself. Like if I somehow was cursed to make myself feel bad...

What is frustrating and pathetic is me dreaming to escape and do something exciting, to find something new to discover, some sort of mystery and save the world.

If anything I am victim of my own boredom, I yearn so much to do something exciting with my life, but when I look at it... I only find disappointment.

I hate part of who I am, but I am not sure which part I hate. 

That I tell lies? My disgusting physical body? My twisted mind?

Put it simply something is missing, not sure what but it’s a catalyst, a motivator.

There is nothing now that moves me to be better or to endure the life I got. I feel so many things right now, none of them good... so I’ll continue to ramble and get thoughts out of me head as they pop in...

I seem to be unable to get rid of Xag... rounding my head, he/I even visited me last night ... I was one of those trances between being asleep and awake, and suddenly appeared a perfect scene, everything was completely white and there was nothing else, I'm on the side of the room and he/I was standing just in front of me wearing only a single pair white shorts that went down to his knees, He/I told me so many things all so encouraging and all so good to hear, so perfect ... Xag ...

- "There is nothing to change! - I said - "you already are me, just let me out" -

Unfortunately I/he omitted the details as to how, but if I do I said that means to leave this life. All this must sound crazy, and part of me hopes it is. It’s always easier to commit suicide if you are insane right?

Xag is now my only inspiration, I keep thinking on being him, to experience this wonderful world that awaits me. I keep thinking about my life and how would be like as Xag and everything, including plot details connecting history milestones, moments and characters so that it all make sense.

My best friend was there too, just being perfect, but also somewhat out of place, but there nevertheless, he told me at some point (it was a quite lengthy conversation) we were going to find each other for sure, but if it was in this life or the other, it depended on many things.

What I want most in the world is a best friend, someone to accept me as I am, and someone I understand that shares my taste in things... (I think this has already been written before)

I only remember him standing by my bed and holding my hand before I finally fell asleep. It was really beautiful. True, it was a rare night the sheets became a mess and the bedpost broke as by some freak force of nature. My mom claims I woke up in the middle of the night, sleepwalking and told her I had found the key to DC comics. I have no memories of this, but she swears that I did. 

Speaking of which, a lot of things happened at New Horizons (sounds like mental health institute or rehab center) and some have been rather disturbing, the one freaking me out most is that there is a  boy around 11 years old taking the same classes as me and knows so much more than me! It makes me feel really bad ... then I had to have a little talk with the idiot who runs the center, he talked to me about taking some lame macromedia courses and take the test so I can build a CIW track, and although for some reason that sounds smarter than in the way he actually said it, the truth is that studying anything to do with computers seems like a slow path towards suicide, I am more of a philosopher, a humanitarian and an artist, not an engineer, much less a merchant, I see web design from an artistic viewpoint, I see it as a means of expression rather than as means of making money. 

I do not want to commit to something so serious, the guy is asking for loyalty and wants to send me to the States... it bothers me that this man boasts and claims he is very picky about the people around him, and how he just lets smart people at his side, and the truth I'm not sure to be an intelligent person at all if it means being around him. Also, what if I decide to be a lawyer or be in creative advertising? Or maybe an actor (todays horoscope claims that job will suit me like a glove)? Maybe a singer or an artist, or a dreamer (now that should be a career) 

My mom keeps saying I'm very antisocial, not telling me... just saying it out loud, to the walls... like stating a known fact, as if it was raining and trying to make out of it a topic of conversation. Maybe it is true, but what I can't get out of my head is what she said about me not being able of loving anyone or not accepting I could be loved by someone. Of course I'm afraid that's true, I know I do not have a very high self-esteem, but I'm sure I can love... not just love, but love in a way never seen before. Xag love. I love Xag; I know that... but am not Xag? So why the lack of self-esteem?

(5 days late)

Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)

Seipan

On a June much like this one..

During world war II, Saito and his men were doing all they could to hold the mountains of Saipan from the Americans, but Emperor Hirohito sent out an imperial order commanding the Japanese civilians of Saipan to commit suicide, promising that any who followed the order would be given an equal spiritual status in the afterlife as the soldiers who died fighting. 

As the fighting on Saipan continued, Japanese citizens headed to the Northern tip of the island, chose two specific areas, known today as Banzai Cliff and Suicide Cliff, and jumped to their deaths. The majority of the suicides happened in the last four days of fighting, between July 8th and July 12th. 

By the end of the fighting, 24,000 Japanese soldiers were dead, 5,000 by their own hands, including General Saito, who was found dead in a cave alongside Vice-Admiral Chuichi Nagumo, the naval commander who lead the Japanese carriers that attacked Pearl harbor. Even worse, 22,000 of the 25,000 Japanese civilians were dead as well, almost all of them had taken their own lives.

http://www.the13thfloor.tv/

Today I skipped school; I had to stay with my sister, who is a little bit sick,

Yesterday we had spiritual retirement with guys from school...and it was a waste of time, we did nothing special and I spend thinking about How Ivan and Marin are so fucking immature, Aiacos for some reason spent the day criticizing me and being unsupportive , specially I was fighting with Obsidian...

That little pain in the neck, "humiliation", is driving me insane. I have tried everything to get it out of my head, but I cannot. Every time I see or touch Obsidian’s underwear, I can’t help but pulling them up, I think if someone liked to do things to me, as much as I enjoy doing things to Obsidian I may learn my lesson and stop liking it anymore. How I find that person? Maybe if I let Obsidian do away with me once and for all ... no, I always end up cowering out when I’m about to surrender to him ...

Last night I had a dream so cool and so romantic for some reason I was in Japan and somehow Í was in a presentation at a basketball court, the case being that there was mix-up or something and I ended up being the one who had to talk to the entire crowd. I had to put on a kimono and everything...bottom line, I was scared because I did not know what I had to say, but fortunately, I had an this lovely Japanese girl that whispered to me ear all I had to say: - I 'm the goddess, I'm the bottle, I'm your wish - I said aloud repeating her words. Then I went home and talked to her, it was love at first sight and so special, then we said goodbye, and I knew she was a dream, I decided  I would not let her go and just disappear, so the called to her from the balcony and asked her email address .. . Then I woke up.

It was perhaps the fastest you could fall absolutely in love with anyone, and we will probably only have that dream. Although as I woke up I had this thought in my head "fate and luck we will have us meet again" ... maybe tonight or at the least expected moment of my life.

I spent all day reading about the Justice League animated series, it looks so cool, I can’t wait watch it!

(6 days late)

As for the humiliation…

As for the humiliation matter (which I cannot stop thinking about) I Know I do not want to have this unhealthy obsession... not unhealthy to me really all it does is hurt the idiot of Obsidian, I think if perhaps I managed to get him to like to humiliate me instead I would get it finally out of my system, but I have a real fear I'll enjoy it even more. 

Then there is Aiacos, Who is now he is hanging with me and to whom I'm sure I’m just a fill in for Minos who’s back with his beloved gang. I can’t help but regret everything that happened, I should have greeted them that day, maybe if I had I would have saved our group ... sometimes I cannot help it and I cry at night.

(4 days late)

What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)

It was an interesting day

It was an interesting day.

For the first time I "smoked" weed in school, and do not know if it was bad or good, but I enjoyed the thrill, always imagined how it would be to do it there, and it happened, with some friends, by the soccer field, but I did not even smoke the whole thing.

So far the humiliation thingy seems like a very exciting thing, and I can't control it, every day I get Obsidian is to either wedgie himself and sometimes to even to trash me a bit. But of course I can't get him to enjoy it as I do. What do I have to do to get Obsidian to like being humiliated?... Yeah I know how demented it sounds.

(2 days late)

Well...

Well... long story short, today something expected happened but I was somewhat disappointed, I finally got ​​Obsidian to wedgie me, it wasn’t bad at all, and was quite exciting... however my feelings when I stepped down the bus and got home today were not nice, something I did not like... But I'm going to do something, which I'm sure I'll regret it, I'll tell Obsidiana to go for it and humiliate without restrains, more ice, water, he can play with matches, destroy my clothes... he will be able to do everything and leave me completely trashed.

(4 days late)