What happened to the world...

What happened to the world to become the most boring place in the universe? And is not fault of the world itself, it’s all been sculpt by humans (muggles might be a better term) ... beings completely devoid of happiness and sense of adventure. 

I find everything is very confusing and depressing ... I always wanted a life that is not perfect but happy, and for some reason I am not happy with my life as it is and it's far from perfect. All i need is just a little routine, a bearable one... that is occasionally accompanied by surprises.

The house now looks like a pigsty, my sisters do not pick up after themselves and Mintaka Is too young to understand she has to. If I wanted to change something right now, would be to just move, anywhere, it doesn't have to be a model home, just somewhere where everything is just in its place.

Who am I kidding? I know that wouldn’t be enough to make me happy, I would have to change schools again, make friends and so on. I would have to change particularly my look and hobbies, maybe dye my hair black... maybe finally buy some cool glasses. I always wanted a raincoat. 

But what if my life never changes? And if my life is still a disappointment a year from now? I'm afraid to grow up, be no one, each time I see my future I see more and more frustration... Because I can’t get what I want, be who I want.

Football, porn, drinks and sex all day long, everyday... I got stuck with the freaks, the ugly ones who would play D&D and belong to Christian groups.

All I ever wanted was friends... not boyfriends, just people to hang around with, have fun things to do with... I had them once... I lost them. Minos and Rhadamanthys.... They are before this journal, just before.

When I came to my new school after Tilatá, a place where... well, I never fit in. I came from being trouble and a concern to everyone, to being... just some other kid. From being someone to look out for, to being... someone... Anyone. 

When I arrived to this new school by the cemetery, I circled the social groups, I had to play soccer for a couple of times, and I bounced off from group to group... I found a pretty interesting one, the comic and Evangelion freaks but they told me quiite blatantly: you don’t belong here, you belong with them:.

The ugly group, were the Pokémon rejects... the poke group. I think I just did what I was told. Somehow I connected with them... they were immature... oh so immature. They were boys doing boyish things... I looked at that with envy... They had met each other their whole lives and I was the newbie.

Me being always quiet and numb, I never connected with the entire group. Just with those who saw classes with me... Minos and Rhadamanthys. The two sidekicks... they were intimate friends... they would buy Gameboys together, they would go out every weekend together... Minos would wedgie and tease Rhadamanthys all the time. I wanted that. I wanted to belong in a relationship like that... but they already had one.

So, then someone else came along... Aiacos... he just all of the sudden became my friend, the nice chubby guy everyone want to hang around. Loved by all. He decided to be my friend. He wasn’t boyish acting like the rest... he was reserved.... he just pushed me around a lot... I lied to him, I lied to him so much... just about everything, and I acted like someone else... I faked a tragic past... and distorted future... I was trouble boy to him.

Meanwhile... I still tried to fit in with Rhadamanthys and Minos. I was falling for them so much, so fast... I wanted to be their friend. I lied my way through... at some point... I asked Rhadamanthys for a shirtless pic of himself...

Then... something weird happened... they started sending my sisters some stupid letters... my sisters wrote back... it was weird... I became the mail man.

At one point I got tired of reckless boyish mess... I didn’t belong there... I never would. I stopped hanging out with them... I left with Aiacos... to find our own spot... we had our tree... we actually called it that... our tree... where we would go every recess.

Then... one day... we fought... Aiacos and I...

And I was left alone. And I couldn’t go back to Minos and Rhadamanthys... I was left to walk the halls alone... and... Then... only then... Minos and Rhadamanthys said: hey! We are your friends!! Come with us! Gosh... I still remember them when they said it that first time... in front of the copy shop... I was someone’s friend.

We had some sleepovers, we had fun...

One night, we talked about guys... I said I liked some kid... they were all. NO way! You are so straight!

Diego invited us all to this day at his club, it was amazing, and we had fun... they had fun... I was too scared to take my shirt off and join them in the pool and the sauna... so I waited alone... for them part of the day... we talked... I can’t remember what we talked about... I just know we had such an amazing time talking.... Minos was a great talker... I loved talking with them.

I never wanted sex... I just wanted a friend... a friendship... a lifelong friendship...

But, by now... Minos and Rhadamanthys group hated me... I and Aiacos were stealing them away... and I hated them... but Minos and Rhadamanthys were clear... we’re not going to leave our friends... they never did... till the very last day... they were inseparable...

However... it did not end like this... we saw classes together... we remained friends to some point...Aiacos, Minos and Rhadamanthys... and then... I messed up...

One day I came clean to them... I said... hey... I lied... about England... and I said... something about Cumming that bothered me... (I can’t remember well the conversation) it was gym class... boys in the grass in our shorts... and I told them things... truths and lies... I cried... and they... they said they understood.

I remember walking to the locker later... they fully understood me!!! I was so thankful to god!!! I was in heaven... I felt loved; I felt part of something...

And then...

One day... I wrote something in class... something about them... in my notebook... on a piece of paper... my teacher saw it, a confiscated it...

The next day... they wouldn’t speak to me...

They never did again...

My teacher said I was better off without them... I was from that moment on, always a loner... I took refuge in my books and my writing...

Then... that rejection... became hate... they pushed me every time they walk passed beside me... they would throw pieces of paper at me in class... they would yell stuff... they became mean... they hated me, they truly hated me... I think they stole my mp3 player the last day of class... and to this day I still wish I was part of them... once or twice they used sweet words to get what they wanted from me... and then they would hurt me more altogether...

One day... Aiacos came back... I showed him my journal... and we remained cordial till the very end... he is still the only guy from school I talk to... probably my only friend...

Aiacos... never told me what happened... why did they stop talking to me... what was in that piece of paper... I don’t remember... he likes to torture me... saying he will never tell me... I, once in a while, would ask him... I’ll ask him next time I see him... how did I mess up?

I caught Minos and Rhadamanthys jacking off in class... I was so... angry... I told everyone about it... I was an inquisitor... and tried to bring them down... what came next... was a series of rejects... Obsidian ... Moncada... people I shared nothing in common with... there I became a lonely bastard with a journal and books... and comics... 

This diary starts there... after this story... of one pathetic guy... who lost his friends again…

(2 days late)