Because I ......Want you Because I...... need you Where are you? I hate myself without

Because I ......Want you

Because I...... need you

Where are you?

I hate myself without you; I hate myself for waiting for you... especially now that I’m beyond any saving.

Do you enjoy watching me crawl while I wait my turn? How many are there before me? When will you get done with me?

...

I am broken

I am broken... sounds cliché, but I can’t fix myself, every time I try I just keep ruing it more and hurting myself... I can’t even seem to get rid of myself either... because there is one stupid tingle of hope that you will show up. I know you won’t.

I focus on my pain intentionally and intensely, because the truth is... if I think of anything else I just notice your absence... you are not here. How can I get over this if you are not there stretching your arm and take me out of the mud hole. How can I move on, without you to hold my hand along the way?

"I", "I", "I", almost all my sentences start with "I"... because you are not here for them to start with "YOU"...

How can you do this to me? How can you leave me here... to get wasted... to get ruined... to rot…

(2 day late)

Tribal Scars in technicolor

Kevin Carter

Hi time magazine, hi Pulitzer Prize 
tribal scars in technicolor 
"Bang Bang Club" AK 47 hour 

kevin Carter 

Hi time magazine, hi Pulitzer Prize 
vulture stalked white piped lie forever 
wasted your life in black and white 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
kevin Carter
Kevin Carter

The elephant is so ugly 
he sleeps his head machetes his bed 
kevin Carter kaffir* lover forever 

Click click click click click… himself under 

kevin Carter 
kevin Carter 
Kevin Carter

I received another message today that said: "just BE happy"

I received another message today that said:  "just BE happy" yup, just like that… it is a bit like telling someone with cancer "just cure yourself", he tells me to go out to the world, and to just be happy... 

This is irritating for a number of reasons.

One, I have to constantly explain to him or whoever says it tome, how sucky my life is and the pathetic personality I have that gets in the way of everything that’s good and worthwhile in this world. 

Two, I’m afraid to try alone... and learn to be happy alone and stay alone forever...

I met Joshua... I’ve had a crave for this name since I went to England years ago. It was the name of one of my roommates, he was blonde and gorgeous, and I was never brave enough to talk to him... last time I saw him he was shirtless in the beach. Ten years later comes another Joshua ... Him I was brave enough to talk to, well he reached me first for some reason, but unlike the 1st he I will probably never actually meet.

I sometimes treat him, like I did Obsidian back in school, and I enjoy it the same way, he is also, like Elektra in some ways, when we get passionate discussing... I don’t remember being so passionate online with anyone else beside him and Elektra... 

He is also very different to anyone I’ve met in many ways... he speaks like the kind of person I always wanted to talk to, he actually speaks so beautifully, that I can’t seem to get myself together and talk back... and I can talk a lot, I study social communications for crying out loud...

He is however reckless when he speaks and acts, which I find at the same time repulsive and attractive... I can’t really seem to grasp he is so young or that I’m actually this old... talking to him makes me wonder what the fuck did I do in my teens? Where did they go?

But today I did something so stupid, there is this really hot, really smart, girl in my Ethics class... she talked to me!!! And I talked back... and we actually got along!!! Amazed I was, I stated trying to well... make myself interesting... and yes... I screwed up... I was going to say it was nightmare to be bi... but when I thought in my mind, the word bisexual sounded so... ugh pathetic... and I actually said I was ameinian!!! Now of course... Lost all chances of being with this cute, really hot smart girl (completely out of my league) and messed it up again by speaking of guys.... I just hate myself....

(13 days late)

Having a bad day, week, year, decade, or entire life?

Having a bad day, week, year, decade, or entire life?

The Layman's Guide to Suicide is the last self-help book you'll ever need!

 

Suicide by cop

 "To the officer who shot me.

Official.

This was a plan. I'm sorry to have involved you. I only needed it to die. Please remember that I did all this, you had no way of knowing.

 - Moshe Pergament. "

In 1997, a 19 year old used a fake gun to lure police into getting shot. Becouse cops shooting people is so certain you can count on them to assist on your suicide. 

https://www.nytimes.com/1997/11/16/nyregion/officers-k

All it takes is one bad date...

All it takes is one bad date... 

Unless you are me, then you need two.

Tonight I’m going to cry, not just yet, because I’m filled with anger first. And not the type of anger that makes you wants to yell and course everyone you know. I’m filled with type of anger that requires to be denounced, that feels me with energy to write this words. Today I saw the things I hate most about myself and about others. Insecurity, lack of character, lies, disrespect, lack of communication, ugliness, both physically and personality wise... I saw everything that wrong with me and my world.

I don’t want to see you again, ever, you hurt me, and you will die alone, I got myself vulnerable to you, and you, and you made me feel, embarrassed about who I was, about what I believe... and what’s worse, I let you do it to me twice.

You are faggot, and mean this in the very and most insulting way, and for that I hate you, because you made me feel bad about being who I am, you represent everything that wrong in the ameinian community... you are, a cliché! The worst kind, you make me kitsch, void, useless... I’m an idiot, and you proved me right. 

You shouted to a 10 year old girl! What kind of person does that? You had me 15 minutes dragging after you in search of cab... I hate myself, for being with you, I hate myself for even doubting if it was my fault you are so week... I’m angry, so angry, so disappointed, so filled with contempt... I hate you, not more than I hate myself...but I do... I’m so filled with... hate... I couldn’t help but laugh all the time at our situation, and I know it bothered you I didn’t say what I was laughing about... I was laughing about us, our pathetic situation, you not knowing the jerk you are, and me putting up with it, when I know I deserve better even if I die a virgin... which I am still... and I’m so proud about it, because losing it to you would have been too degrading, I would have had to killed you and shoot myself then.

(17 days late)

Woe, woe, woe...

 Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead. Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already.

- Raymond Chandler

There’s no reason to live, but there’s no reason to die, either.

“There’s no reason to live, but there’s no reason to die, either. The only way we can still show our contempt for life is to accept it. Life is not worth the bother of leaving it. Out of charity, one might spare a few individuals the trouble of living, but what about oneself? Despair, indifference, betrayal, fidelity, solitude, the family, freedom, weight, money, poverty, love, absence of love, syphilis, health, sleep, insomnia, desire, impotence, platitudes, art, honesty, dishonor, mediocrity, intelligence – nothing there to make a fuss about. We know only too well what those things are made of, no point in watching for them.”

“God is growing bitter, He envies man his mortality.”

— Jacques Rigaut