Almost

Delusional...

Delusional...

My mind does weird things to me, it plays with my emotions, I’m so angry and so sad and frustrated for no reason at all. That’s the saddest part of my life... people are unhappy because they are poor, or have physical limitations, or mental illness, or are treated unfairly, or are persecuted by society, or injured by their families or society. I keep on thinking, daydreaming, terrible things that might happen and end up wishing they do, maybe as an excuse to feel the way I do; It would be so much easier to be as sad as I am if I was blatantly mistreated, or if I could blame all to a trauma, a broken home, a child abuse experience, a bully experience, anything.
I hate myself for that, I mean, who wouldn’t, and I keep daydreaming, the death of my mom or my sisters, traffic accidents… I’ve been always so attracted to paraplegic or blind people. I guess I feel like if I should be an invalid, that way I would have an excuse... I don’t deserve what I have, not my family, not m my stuff, not even my health. I would love so much to diagnosed, to be maniac depressive or any other psychological illness, something that needed severe treatment. I’m sick, I know that.

What it feels to be me?

Well, is like when you have a big test at school which you have studied and memorized and got as ready as you could, but you still feel like you are not going to pass it. So you do everything you are supposed to do that morning and go just on time to the bus stop to wait for the bus, but the bus doesn’t arrive. So you don’t know if he passed up early or if it’s late.

Part of you wants it to come, because if not, you are going to miss that fucking test and fail it. The other part of you doesn’t want it to come, because that way you won’t have to present the test and find out how good you are, that way you don’t get qualified or worse feel a failure yourself. When the bus doesn’t come, you can always think "it was the bus fault" but if you do take the test the only thought there is, is "I’m an idiot!”

Now if the bus doesn’t show up, there is still the doubt, did I missed it, or did the bus got lost, and even if the answer was that the bus didn’t show up, you then start thinking if it’s worth a try to get to the test any other way, harder more difficult. But you don’t want the test! You don’t fell ready for it.

All this is rather disappointing, because you can’t escape the test. You’ll have to face it one way or another. I am trapped in that second. I can’t escape the bus stop. I’m sitting there, in the cold, thinking what to do and not doing anything, watching the clock every 30 seconds, partly hoping the bus will show up, partly hoping it won’t. Not daring to go away and give up, not daring to go the other way and do it in a harder way.

(6 days late)

And I almost ran out of faith

Previously Unpublished

I say I no longer give a fuck… it’s not the cock, it’s not the pussy…  I try to be honest and to admit something and as much it bothers me, I have to admit its boys. And I don’t mean boys = men, I mean boys = boys. Preteens, teens and boyish-like grownups in some cases. Does that make me a pedophile? That makes me ameinian in a way that’s wrong everywhere for sure.  I just know I’m attracted to boys.

The other day, I tried to take picture of Sebastian, the cute boy at school, I’m obsessed with and I can’t stop staring at. so I tried to take a picture of him, of course I got carried away and he noticed so he stopped talking with his friends, which in turn turned around to see what was happening and started yelling not very nice stuff at me,... well, it was very humiliating.

Why besides all that beauty there is always the need to destroy it? Maybe it’s the result from an unhappy teenage years but I like so much to humiliate them. First I just wanted to see them soaked, the transparent shirts, the heavy clothes, the wet environment is just really hot, and then was the mud, to see them all messed up, swimming in mud or playing in puddles. Then messing with other stuff like pies and gunge, the pour things over their heads or inside their shirts or inside their underwear. I have dirty dreams and fantasies. Then the underwear became an obsession, the briefs, the boxers, the boxer briefs, I kept trying to get a glimpse at a kid’s underwear or imagine what kind they use. I then got with the easiest way to expose underwear, the wedgies, which god it was so hot and humiliating the pantsings too became an obsession, then humiliation became more and more powerful, I even got a really humiliating story that stills turn me on. I just love it; it’s about taking this gorgeous boy and humiliating him without limits. 

I want to be humiliated like that, with some art into it… whatever that means.  Like a cute wedgie, or a fun swirly. The other day some seniors in my school were playing with some seventh grade boys, with fairly nice bodies, and they started to play in some puddles around the school, the got really messy and the sweatpants one of them was wearing slipped down a little and I got a perfect shot at his soaked yellow boxer briefs... On the other side is my humiliation magnet Obsidian** and well, I’ve been trying to get someone from the internet to be my Soaking/wedgie/humiliation partner, but I’ve had no success, Everyone I’ve met ends leaving me. 

(9 days late)

Its me again... its weird

Everyone graduates high school learning something... true merit lies in graduating not knowing shit.

It has been such a weird week... I’m in zombie mode

It has been such a weird week... I’m in zombie mode around people… I have to take one pointless conversation after another, one dumb or disgusting joke over another, or one stupid parody of life after another... they just don’t see, how denigrating is to be themselves. They are losers.

First is Aiacos, my one friend and the worst of the bunch, first he is putting me down all the time, and I can’t stand the looks he gives to Daniel, after I’ve done something he disapproves (which is most of the time), is this stupid grin with open eyes, that says "how stupid is he? " But without making it personal Aiacos is dumb, has no talent for anything, blind to beauty, no motivation to do anything, no beliefs… he is just BORING. He is convinces that if he joins a gang and plays dumb games, or catches around a ball for an hour he is so much better than me. He is just an ordinary lazy guy; with no great aptitude for nothing... he just has the most incredible luck, which is so unfair. I might laugh with one or two of his comments and funny annotations, but that’s it... What I must like about him most is his ability to keep secrets as far as I know and that he has found tiny little short times to tell me he appreciates me.

Maybe why Aiacos has been so mean tome lately, is because he has found a new best friend, and let’s face it is fact, that’s Daniel… he is the perfect partner for Aiacos, just as dumb, and empty and lost in his trivial wanderings, he is like me in some ways, like our preference to stay at home. His only purpose in life is to say and do the most immature thing. He considers himself a pyromaniac and a homophobic he loves to talk about deformed sex and has such a twisted kind of humor, he rarely says something interesting. The best of him is that has a great body which I would love to see, has fabulous abs and wears very cute underwear. I’d love to wedgie him.

on the other hand is Mauricio he was Daniel best friend until Daniel met Aiacos, Mauricio is the most ugly guy in the classroom he could easily be cast as the hunchback of Notre dame for any visual media adaptation, he is very smart (unlike Daniel who is a jerk) has a voice of reason, much like piggy in lord of the flies…. Actually they look very much alike. I mean whatever Mauricio says you know it’s going to be the right thing. He has a naive sense of humor so I’m the only one that laughs at his jokes - that's sad- but for most part he is a classic closed minded person.

at last there is Ivan, he is egocentrism himself, the classic geek, he is the one whose only prove of anything is what the scientific method says and the one who believes everything the discovery channel says. He thinks he is cool because he is a science fiction fan he is always happy and he believes he is always right and keeps on bragging it. He has no problems at all, so he makes problems out of nowhere. He is a sadistic little bastard. This unique egomaniac has the ability to stress me out quite easily.

Why am I devoting my time to describe and bitch about these sad souls that surround my everyday hell? Because there is no one else… Nothing else. 

(7 days late)

Praying Wont