Delusional...

Delusional...

My mind does weird things to me, it plays with my emotions, I’m so angry and so sad and frustrated for no reason at all. That’s the saddest part of my life... people are unhappy because they are poor, or have physical limitations, or mental illness, or are treated unfairly, or are persecuted by society, or injured by their families or society. I keep on thinking, daydreaming, terrible things that might happen and end up wishing they do, maybe as an excuse to feel the way I do; It would be so much easier to be as sad as I am if I was blatantly mistreated, or if I could blame all to a trauma, a broken home, a child abuse experience, a bully experience, anything.
I hate myself for that, I mean, who wouldn’t, and I keep daydreaming, the death of my mom or my sisters, traffic accidents… I’ve been always so attracted to paraplegic or blind people. I guess I feel like if I should be an invalid, that way I would have an excuse... I don’t deserve what I have, not my family, not m my stuff, not even my health. I would love so much to diagnosed, to be maniac depressive or any other psychological illness, something that needed severe treatment. I’m sick, I know that.

What it feels to be me?

Well, is like when you have a big test at school which you have studied and memorized and got as ready as you could, but you still feel like you are not going to pass it. So you do everything you are supposed to do that morning and go just on time to the bus stop to wait for the bus, but the bus doesn’t arrive. So you don’t know if he passed up early or if it’s late.

Part of you wants it to come, because if not, you are going to miss that fucking test and fail it. The other part of you doesn’t want it to come, because that way you won’t have to present the test and find out how good you are, that way you don’t get qualified or worse feel a failure yourself. When the bus doesn’t come, you can always think "it was the bus fault" but if you do take the test the only thought there is, is "I’m an idiot!”

Now if the bus doesn’t show up, there is still the doubt, did I missed it, or did the bus got lost, and even if the answer was that the bus didn’t show up, you then start thinking if it’s worth a try to get to the test any other way, harder more difficult. But you don’t want the test! You don’t fell ready for it.

All this is rather disappointing, because you can’t escape the test. You’ll have to face it one way or another. I am trapped in that second. I can’t escape the bus stop. I’m sitting there, in the cold, thinking what to do and not doing anything, watching the clock every 30 seconds, partly hoping the bus will show up, partly hoping it won’t. Not daring to go away and give up, not daring to go the other way and do it in a harder way.

(6 days late)