Take a deep breath…

Take a deep breath… I said I had never been satisfied about anything with my life… well I’m just happy I met the prince… it was great… he showed me that there’s like people worth living for… that there are in fact people hat make the world a special place by just being in it… 

How often you come across people that make you feel better than what you think you are? How many people come along and make you feel you might be remotely valuable to someone? 

… he has been offline for 3 days now… today (this is going to be so embarrassing to say) I repeated his voice mail message on my cellphone , over and over till the battery died… every time I listened to it, its meaning varied… was he satisfied? Tired? Was he sad? Was he disappointed? Was he fed up? why did he call?.. Did feel he had to do it? did he wanted to? Was that simple calling a way of saying goodbye? I keep replaying our date on my head… sometimes I think it went great… sometimes I think it had to be the worst thing for him ever…when I judge it by my actions, when I dated Daniel (the really bad two dates) I lied a lot to Daniel to try to make him feel comfortable… I’m afraid he did the same thing to me, I said awful things… he said the most wonderful… I just was so focused trying to hide the cuts on my wrists while we ate… now I have the urge to cut more. I wouldn’t blame him; maybe I was his bad date… He did say he was a detached person.

I don’t dare try calling him on his cellphone … I don’t even know if it is his… I’m not that desperate… mmmm… ok maybe I am a little… probably, the biggest act of self-sabotage is this… writing this, because I know he’ll read it (hiya!!^^) … but all I think of is him… and I don’t know if that’s good or bad… but I just need to let it out somewhere… here… in the screaming room…

 I just hoped through the day as a voting juror he would show up... for some reason… it was… so… psychotic… so pathetic…. I’m so damaged and despaired… I try to keep myself from just calling him and telling him all those things… damn phone phobia!

I never thought I could be like this, thinking about someone for such long periods of time… I just like… I want to be with him…. god

I don’t even know him… I spoke to him once, this is sick… this is… self-sabotage… I’m tired of sabotaging myself; I’m my worst enemy… I don’t know if I want to be with him or be him… or maybe a bit of both… I am just so  incredibly happy I actually met him… even if it was just to see him once… and also I’m in so much pain now after (the good kind)… I feel so alive… all thanks to him… to him… I have to visit some historic places and museum here in Bogotá… I mailed him asking him to come… if he doesn’t… well… I can always ask Ana to come, I really wish he does… but again, I’m too scared to just call … me and my damn phone phobia…

Dream Damn It, Dream!!

Not just try to dream... don’t attempt to dream... just dream...

How do you build dreams? I’ve done this before... I just need... inspiration...

What’s a dream really? Idealization of a future that’s not going to come? 

No… 

Dreams are a force of life, its potential of free will, it’s how we can make choices... they do not determine our choices, dreams fuel them...

Let’s start with an easier exercise... what were my dreams?

I wanted to have magical powers when I turned 16 

I wanted to have a Gameboy and play all Pokémon games...

I wanted to own the 1984 hall of justice from Kenner

I wanted to study abroad

I wanted to get some time off studying

I wanted to write my book

I wanted to finish my book

I wanted to have friends at least two

I wanted to collect the JLU/SuperPowers action figures

I wanted to go backpacking to Europe

I’m crying over this... which is so strange because I haven’t really written much... I just wanted to be so much better to what I am now...

And all of these dreams I never accomplished... and they should have been accomplished by now... because honestly... 

I just don’t see any of it... I don’t want to get older... every time I think that far ahead for real, there are the words "he committed suicide 5 or 10 year ago¨ 

Either leave him... or change myself...

Either leave him... or change myself...

I had never, ever, stayed with someone outside till 1am talking... and we talked... my biggest fear is that… we are going to say everything that there’s to say to soon... and we will eventually run out of things to say...

I know he needs someone better than me, he won’t admit it, I just wish I could do something for him... but he is like... so grounded, smart... , and I don’t feel like I’m really giving him anything... he doesn’t need anything I have...

"If someone doesn’t love you at your worse... they don’t deserve you at your best"...

But what if he doesn’t like me at my best? 

You would think

You would think that I would write pages and pages about my date with the prince... I could, there’s so much to say, so many stupid details that acquire such a big importance, so many amazing realities that I swear make my heart jump.... so many little truths and so many big ideas.... however I just want to tell all of this to him and just to him. I just can’t get over the fact that he is... real.

(1 day late)

Right now...

Right now... I have to calm down... my heart is beating... I got my first date with the prince tomorrow ;)

The ugliest part of me

The ugliest part of me

I lied.... and kept things... horrible things that need now to be told...

People asked me how I knew if it was a crush and not love... well here I’ll confess:

I liked his pain, enjoyed his suffering, his pathetic ways, his tears, his over the top compliments, his words of self-hate.

You're the perfect balance of negative and positive, even if you're negative almost all the time.

Everyone has some fetish... mine can get a bit sick... I just need someone I can act all this out... and then go back to really loving...

...bisexual, boy lover, ugly, shy, polyamorist, sadomasochist, fetishist, idealist, romantic, androgyny obsessed, emotionally slutty...

Plainly impossible to love…

Sail Away

I had written this title for an entry long ago... and never knew what I would write in it... I had daydreamed it would be the entry where I announced triumphantly that I will be finally is going out of the country...

But no...The prince is the one that sails away in his happy boat... while I left to drown... we won’t talk again... ever... I know that... I feel it... it wouldn’t be so painful otherwise.

I ruined of course another chance for companionship, for friendship... maybe even love... and god he was so near... he is actually the brother of a girl I have class with!!! I could have actually bumped into him any day on my way to class...

there was a clause to our goodbye.... that after all of these cosmic coincidences... another one showed up... we would talk again... now the chances of another cosmic coincidence showing up, are one in a trillion...

God doesn’t love all creatures... God doesn’t really care...

People are under the delusion that misery comes out of confusion, of being alone in the dark and not knowing where to go... that’s not misery at all... misery come from seeing it all.. And not being able to change course... misery comes from determination...

I am miserable because I reached a point where I know I’m going to fall. It’s there in complete plain sight and I stumble down... I’m numb... I’m stupid... smart people never feel stupid... I feel so stupid... so stupid...

I’m doomed to stay alone in the muddy road... I’m destined, to stay alone drowning in the middle of the lake... I’m condemned to stay in the hole in the dirt... and never get out...

I am definitely standing still, while the world passes by... 

Today I broke a little more...

I’m nauseous... Sleepy... And have knot in my throat... I feel a panic attack coming…

We are all supposed to be loved equally, treated equally, all as your beloved children... all, except the freaks... all except... me.

I lack of true friendship or company... not having anyone to... trust... rely one... to open up to... not having anyone to have fun with... to watch a movie, to yell when things go wrong, to cry on, to walk with, to share an inside joke with... that is not simply chose... it’s just the result of various and complex... situations

I don’t have friends... I can’t trust anyone... I think I did... at least with people online, but there’s always some kind of parallel communication with this blog... I really only truly open up here

The sad and utter realization of complete loneliness... the knowledge that I will never find really anyone... That will share my believes, dreamas, or hopes.., challenge them, accept them, and be part of them...

Who would want a fat ass, ugly, depressive, bisexual, polyamorist, liar...?

God... I don’t even know why I call myself those things... I say I’m bisexual... When I’m still a virgin... I say I’m a polyamorist when I’ve never found a single meaningful relationship...

No one chooses to be bored... things get boring... boredom falls upon... clouds the mind... I experience boredom on a daily basis... its stresses the hell out of me... that’s why I do websites for free... why I keep sickening relationships with people on line, why I spent 4 hour designing my space profile... why I’m updating this journal twice a day...

If I should define my talent... I would have to say... its product of utter boredom... and the pain it brings.

And finally hopelessness:

Complete or partial...

It might seem like a state of freedom, not being slave to our desires...

you... never hope for hopelessness... because you are keeping hope alive in that hope... you end up hopeless... by systematically lying to yourself, blindly believing that everything will get better, that you are going to evolve, that the person you love will come save you.... you make leap of faith in god magic, in beauty.... you hold on to this thoughts... and then... Bam!!... and you see that all you’ve been dreaming for, suffering for, yearning for... is not there... and never will be... and the pain so strong, the only sane way to move on, is to break down... give up... and die inside.

If I don’t need reasons to be happy... then why do I have reasons to be sad?

Jump, Up and Away

The dream started with me being superman (I know how it sounds... but I don’t expect you to understand)...and I saved the day, I flew, kicked some ass and used heat vision to go through glass doors (I know... lame... but I love using heat vision in my dreams)

Then, of course the damsel in distress... gave me a post it so we would meet at night for a date... if you have ever read superman, then you knows he wouldn’t have accepted; he belongs to Lois. However, on the moment the date I came I was no longer superman, I was... well me... with superpowers but me... I did go to the date... I met with the girl, and I got her to fly...

I have dreamt about flying before, it’s always amazing, incredibly realistic, the feeling, the wind, the sightings... everything... it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen... there’s a vertigo that is so fulfilling. You jump.... but you don’t fall... you just fly...

As I flew with her, she asked me how far up I could go... I went up and up with her on my arms... and the vertigo increased and increased... I was very high (I had never flew that high)...till she told me to stop. Then I asked... do you want to fall?

I never knew her answer I woke up…

 

(1 day late)

Right now... I just feel like making lists.

Right now... I just feel like making lists... lists about things I have to do... things that I want... things that I need...

For example....

I need courage to change my life

I need hope to stay alive

I need to buy a lot of antidepressants so I can commit suicide

I need to lose weight

I need to find someone to exercise with

I need someone to help me do... YouTube vids.... or at least someone who will lend their shower to record that stupid vid

I need wisdom to handle my relationships better

I need knowledge to pass my school tests

I need to find a way of getting out of this country... out of my home...

I need someone who would give me wedgies everyday

I need a lot of underwear for the mentioned above...

I need god to let roaches become extinct... they are disgusting

I need... I need a car... or learn how to drive... or someone to drive me around... or someone to teach me how to...

Most of all... I need my dreams... I miss them...

I have to... ask the prince about his life... I don’t want to question him... I hate interrogatories...

I have to stop thinking about my past

I have to do the literature essay

I have to study for Virtual Communications test

I have to organize my priorities

I have to re-design my site

I have to stop writing such a depressive journal

I have to read all of my economy copies and the damn book

I have to stop being so careless and unorganized

I have to learn how to use flash properly

I have to stop thinking how I could have made my past better

I have to stop daydreaming about being younger

I have to remember to be thankful for my crappy life

I have to be a better person than I am...

I want... not to want anything... but just be happy... and enjoy my shortcomings and my virtues...

Why do we fall?

Why do we fall?   I think we fell together... in the woods, at night, completely lost and bare feet... we were walking and we stumbled into each other, tired from walking, from pain... and we fell.... we fell down. And I think we didn’t let each other get up and move on... we just sat there in the muddy road and stared at each other, examined each other... we saw likenesses and differences. 

Sometimes we saw something we liked, sometimes we didn’t...   I just think we were just so excited to have found someone as lost in the woods as we were, we couldn’t help but to talk... hope.... however it became clear, what I suspected from the beginning... after all we are going different ways... you are going forward, I’m going backwards... you are so hopeful about yourself... you have to stand up... and carry on... I would have loved to give you hand and help you get up... but I can’t... I just can’t... can you blame me for trying to urge you to move on without me when I know you’ll find the way?  

I for myself will probably stay sitting on the floor a little longer, I don’t really feel like standing up at all, and wave you good bye as you disappear inside in the fog and the trees...   Finally... relax, take good breath and sleep...

(2 day late)

Self Sabotage

Aw my mom being the good mom she is gave me a cute present… the book I called: "Self Sabotage a guide on how to detect it and what to do to stop it." I love her... she just knows how to make sure there won’t be a dull moment the time I get to see a therapist.

(4 days late)

Crushes are to feel crushed... I can handle crushes; my entire life, has been a series of crushes, not only with people, but with dreams, with stories... and most of all on me...

It is my latest discovery: I had a crush on myself. I think maybe I still do... I had a crush on who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, how I wanted to be... and I had been longing for that person to come along.. so I could be happy...

But its never going to, because its a crush on someone that well... can’t be... and for number of reasons. One he isn’t as smart as he had to be, he isn’t living where he was supposed to.. And well he will never look as I hoped he would...

I’m clinging again to the idea that all this... my life.. is just a  mere case of clinical depression.... a case that just has gone by unnoticed... I need to make it noticeable... but how?.. it’s a rhetorical question.... suicide...

Josh wrote this to me:

I want you to know that...

Even though it was possible for you to never talk to me again...because you'd be gone...my life...continued normally.

The world didn't end. I was ok...and when I was with my dad...I forgot all about you...

You know, I missed talking to you.

But at the same time, I don't even care...

Sorry if this sounds harsh but like...

Part of me really does not enjoy talking to you at all...

It's annoying, depressing, and ends up with an argument.

So yes, here comes the crushing part of the crush... with the horrible fact that it will never go anywhere... and that it was never meant to be...

I think all I ever wanted to be... I had to be by the time I was 21...

I said I needed someone that would get me and push me... I need pushing, everything that’s worth been doing in my life I’ve been pushed to do it... so when it comes to studying overseas... well I need someone to push me do it, basically force me to... and force me because I will fight it back, I would fight that person back, even if it’s doing something I really want to do... it’s insane, like if I had no willpower whatsoever... but just otherwise I’m too scared... I’m too terrified... I can’t move on my own otherwise...

(1 day late)

God?

God? will you let me die tonight?

"I've told you before... if you really, truly wanted to die... you’d be already 

Yeah... I know... *sigh* 

A voice that makes sense

A voice that makes sense

"There is really no doubt you are a very sick person. And if this diary has been online so long and been read as much as you claim and there are still no changes, it is very clear that either no one really cares about you or that you are indeed beyond any kind of help. Suicide is your best option, it really doesn’t sound your life is worth living at all. I live near you, I will be glad to be of assistance. Stop torturing yourself with this diary and most importantly stop torturing people online who deceived by your videos and other works come into this depressive world of yours. I’m not blaming you, it’s not your fault, you are just very sick. Please stop, and if you are not able to do it by yourself, let me help you end it. For your own sake and for everyone else’s."

(3 days late)

I looked at notes from 13 year old me

I looked at notes from 13 year old me. He seems to have concluded that I am just afraid to be hurt, too afraid perhaps… so afraid actually I rather keep hurting myself over and over and over again… That’s why I keep people apart, why I can only say “I love you” to people who are thousands of miles away. Why I say all the things I have to say to computer screen and not to my family, friends, sister, teachers, or anyone who’s actually in my life. 

Yesterday, I was going to definitely end things with Joshua, he knew it and then out of nowhere… I just told him I loved him. I’m insane, completely acting at random, not being coherent with my mind… perhaps that’s love, and not being coherent… so I just said it... I don’t think I had ever said this to a guy… anyway, after I said it… I was still going to get done with him... I said good bye… and I was going to block him… and I just started at his nickname on msn… my mouse over it… it must have been like 15 minutes… and I couldn’t make up my mind.. And then he talked to me… and he KNEW… he knew I was going to delete him… I don’t know if I’m that obvious or he just reads me to well… but he knew… and then I couldn’t block him at all.

 The refusal to accept love, the refusal to respond to it, that precisely is the meaning of Hell. Hell is not a place where God puts us; it’s a place where we put ourselves. The doors of Hell, insofar as they have locks, have locks on the inside. - Kallistos 

(4 days late)

The last few entries… are the worst side of me…

The last few entries… are the worst side of me… I hate me… I want to sit still forever and ever, and ever… I don’t want to write ever again… I don’t want to speak ever again… I don’t want to get dressed, or straighten my hair… or sit on a chair… why are chairs so uncomfortable? Why it is while I write all this things… everything in stupid journal… the world keeps revolving around me… I’m waiting for it, to stop and change… that why I did everything… I just genuinely thought, that if I wrote my life would change… it won’t… its stupid, like expecting ritual chants to cure diseases... or car horns to make traffic lights change faster… My pathetic excuse for existence it’s coming to an end… at least to you… I’m not genuinely mad… I’m just tired… just too tired to carry on… not tired like I’m tired eventually… I’m just giving up… for real… tonight, I’m going to give up, on myself. I know this is probably not in the secret, but it’s all I can do… I come from a family of quitters… from a country of losers, from an education of conformists… I’m going to do all I can really do… quit… take the notebook I use for my book out of my notebook and leave it home. Pack up my justice league toys… give away my comics to recycle… and stop using English… stop fighting to get fit in the system, stop trying get good grades with no effort… I will stop hurting people, which I try so hard to do, to get recognized by them… I will stop smiling… I will stop reading… needless to say… I will stop this, drawing, and or doing vids … all together … I don’t want to yell ever again… I don’t even want to ever listen to music ever again… I just quit… I quit, not defeated, just too tired, to sad, to dead inside to carry on… let’s just see… if this is something I will succeed at…

Today I told someone "I hate happy people"

Today I told someone "I hate happy people" 

And when I heard me say it I realized all I ever dreamt to be had died. I must accept. I am not capable of happiness… the same way I’m no more capable of building a rocket and going to the moon over the weekend, or finishing a book  started over 4 years ago…

I’m sick of seeing kids with smile, Emo kisses, or anyone who wear their hair blonde!! I just wish someone would just come here and kill me but of course, no one does, despite that people are murdered, raped massacred or just claimed missing on a daily basis in this rotten place. I have no clue, how over 4 years, people just stood by and managed to survive this waste of internet space, visual contamination, wordily vomit, syntaxical shit… 

I can’t take myself out the equation due cowardness… I can’t change myself, due incompetence, I can’t stop hurting myself due addiction… What is left, but to crumble into madness…? I need to make that jump… I need to let go… let coherence go… 

Feels easy for me I could start right now…but god, I would be so embarrassed with my sisters boyfriends being here…do people avoid becoming insane due embarrassment?  I feel I’m going to puke… I asked someone to own me…… I basically gave myself away as some ones slave, in that meaningless quest for some meaning… I don’t own myself… so let’s just see if someone else does… but the fucking bastard lives more than a thousand miles away.. Shit, my mom is going to read this… or someone she knows and they’ll tell them, and she will come here judgmental as always and demand explanations… when there are none.

I am fucked up.

I am human trash

I don’t love anyone… but my sisters cat… who in return  hates me… and I hated that animal too… but now it’s the only thing, I can say I love…

I’m tempted to repeat the teen cliché "no one understands me" but fuck it… I’m too old to use it… god I feel too old to use it… This is what I’ve been hiding, that I really don’t care for myself… or anyone else for that matter… I hate myself, and therefore I hate everything and everyone, I right now wouldn’t mind finding the worlds reset button and push it even n if it meant game over to everyone in it…

What kind of lame metaphor is that one…?

Now I think about it, all it’s a fucking lame metaphor… this diary, this huge lie, I’ve been telling myself that I can be better... That I am better, when that’s not true… I am selfish, and apathetic… I just can’t act it, because I would be too embarrassed… 

When you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.

(1 day late)