Today I told someone "I hate happy people"

Today I told someone "I hate happy people" 

And when I heard me say it I realized all I ever dreamt to be had died. I must accept. I am not capable of happiness… the same way I’m no more capable of building a rocket and going to the moon over the weekend, or finishing a book  started over 4 years ago…

I’m sick of seeing kids with smile, Emo kisses, or anyone who wear their hair blonde!! I just wish someone would just come here and kill me but of course, no one does, despite that people are murdered, raped massacred or just claimed missing on a daily basis in this rotten place. I have no clue, how over 4 years, people just stood by and managed to survive this waste of internet space, visual contamination, wordily vomit, syntaxical shit… 

I can’t take myself out the equation due cowardness… I can’t change myself, due incompetence, I can’t stop hurting myself due addiction… What is left, but to crumble into madness…? I need to make that jump… I need to let go… let coherence go… 

Feels easy for me I could start right now…but god, I would be so embarrassed with my sisters boyfriends being here…do people avoid becoming insane due embarrassment?  I feel I’m going to puke… I asked someone to own me…… I basically gave myself away as some ones slave, in that meaningless quest for some meaning… I don’t own myself… so let’s just see if someone else does… but the fucking bastard lives more than a thousand miles away.. Shit, my mom is going to read this… or someone she knows and they’ll tell them, and she will come here judgmental as always and demand explanations… when there are none.

I am fucked up.

I am human trash

I don’t love anyone… but my sisters cat… who in return  hates me… and I hated that animal too… but now it’s the only thing, I can say I love…

I’m tempted to repeat the teen cliché "no one understands me" but fuck it… I’m too old to use it… god I feel too old to use it… This is what I’ve been hiding, that I really don’t care for myself… or anyone else for that matter… I hate myself, and therefore I hate everything and everyone, I right now wouldn’t mind finding the worlds reset button and push it even n if it meant game over to everyone in it…

What kind of lame metaphor is that one…?

Now I think about it, all it’s a fucking lame metaphor… this diary, this huge lie, I’ve been telling myself that I can be better... That I am better, when that’s not true… I am selfish, and apathetic… I just can’t act it, because I would be too embarrassed… 

When you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there’s always madness. Madness is the emergency exit.

(1 day late)