I came to that realization early this year...It was my motto. I picked it from an Art history class; my teacher said that it was one of Andy Warhol's catchphrases. To understand Warhol is to understand contemporary culture, consumes, the culture of the image. "He was a very vulnerable person" my teacher said. "That's why he used a hairpiece and speak funny", added. Warhol is the incarnation of "pop"; he made a celebrity out of himself, a lie that everyone was comfortable with. Just like those prefabricated boy bands, contemporary divas, sodas and products.In a moment, I realized I was just like any of those. "The Prince" is the smartest boy in college, he is so noble, so pure, well behaved, gentle, responsible, talented...That's the way most people see me. That's my "alternate" identity.I started questioning myself after a huge creative dry I had at the beginning of the year. I didn't feel smart, talented, responsible...The idea of "The Prince" collapsed...well, at least just for me. But at some point, I stopped caring about it. Do I have to live up to that idea? Why it is wrong that people sees you in a way that you're not? Who’s the real one? I always say: as long as none gets hurt, there's no problem with it.It's not like I act out...or tell lies...When I was at genius school they said that intelligence is an "intended adaptive capacity" and I think I've taken that definition to build my relationships with the world. It works for me...Now that I remember, it was that Warhol period one of the main reasons I ended up in vampire freaks, to create an idea of myself, to make the pictures say something for me that I can't say. I am SO not being fake with Xag, but I'm just not used to open up to other people. I'm just afraid that after discovering me, they have me at their hands...and that way they have a right to reject me. Something like it happened with my female friends at college I told them some of my most important things, I told one of them that I am BL, but at the next day...it was like nothing...they didn't deserve to know, I'm regret. (Bitches)More than anyone on this earth, Xag deserves to know how I am... 

I looked at notes from 13 year old me

I looked at notes from 13 year old me. He seems to have concluded that I am just afraid to be hurt, too afraid perhaps… so afraid actually I rather keep hurting myself over and over and over again… That’s why I keep people apart, why I can only say “I love you” to people who are thousands of miles away. Why I say all the things I have to say to computer screen and not to my family, friends, sister, teachers, or anyone who’s actually in my life. 

Christmas is a stupid holiday

Christmas is a stupid holiday, not as stupid as New Year’s but stupid enough.

First we must admit it’s all about the money and the presents, like one broke girl said.

“The holidays are totally about money! It’s about spending money to buy things to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us life is hard and then we die.” 

It’s not about love, joy to the world, or the celebration of the birth of Christ... It’s a huge commercial complot to exploit us and taker our money.

But who am I kidding… this is not why I hate Christmas...

I hate Christmas, because it’s supposed to be perfect and never is. This time of year comes, and it’s in our subconscious that this should be a time for happiness and sharing with our families. But it’s never like that…

I personally don’t love my extended family, with whom I have been forced to share this dreadful holiday. Why you wonder? It’s a nice family… a good looking, a wealthy family, a kind family… I don’t fit. I just don’t. 

The people closer to me is the people I’m more distant emotionally, no one in my family knows me, and the only person I depended in making Christmas better is across the ocean having the time of her life. 

As I sat alone in the middle of the crowd drinking Colombiana I realized how alone and pathetic I was:

First the only person I was expecting to hear a merry Christmas from was a 60 year old in England.

Second, that the only person I could ask in a date was not very good looking 15 year old ameinian boy I met online… and knowing that if I ever meet him, he’ll be so disappointed; I’m much uglier than what you see on webcam.

Everyone else is gone… just gone… And to think this promised to be such a great Christmas season. 

(29 days late)

I missed you today

I missed you today, I missed you, yes you who you are.... I missed you so much; I had to contain my tears several times. I was empty without you; I was lost without you...

No music, no song was good enough to take you of my mind... I had lie again because of you, because the emptiness is so big it was unbearable... I had to lie, to make up a story so I could hide the immense shame, that you are not here by my side, that I haven’t found you.

I made you up... and to make it worse I killed you to explain your absence…

(11 days late)

Sincerely: Not fit.

"'Survival of the fittest.'

 Goodbye.

Sincerely: Not fit."

- Anonymous Suicide Note.

Resume

Resumé

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.


BY DOROTHY PARKER

Delusional...

Delusional...

My mind does weird things to me, it plays with my emotions, I’m so angry and so sad and frustrated for no reason at all. That’s the saddest part of my life... people are unhappy because they are poor, or have physical limitations, or mental illness, or are treated unfairly, or are persecuted by society, or injured by their families or society. I keep on thinking, daydreaming, terrible things that might happen and end up wishing they do, maybe as an excuse to feel the way I do; It would be so much easier to be as sad as I am if I was blatantly mistreated, or if I could blame all to a trauma, a broken home, a child abuse experience, a bully experience, anything.
I hate myself for that, I mean, who wouldn’t, and I keep daydreaming, the death of my mom or my sisters, traffic accidents… I’ve been always so attracted to paraplegic or blind people. I guess I feel like if I should be an invalid, that way I would have an excuse... I don’t deserve what I have, not my family, not m my stuff, not even my health. I would love so much to diagnosed, to be maniac depressive or any other psychological illness, something that needed severe treatment. I’m sick, I know that.

What it feels to be me?

Well, is like when you have a big test at school which you have studied and memorized and got as ready as you could, but you still feel like you are not going to pass it. So you do everything you are supposed to do that morning and go just on time to the bus stop to wait for the bus, but the bus doesn’t arrive. So you don’t know if he passed up early or if it’s late.

Part of you wants it to come, because if not, you are going to miss that fucking test and fail it. The other part of you doesn’t want it to come, because that way you won’t have to present the test and find out how good you are, that way you don’t get qualified or worse feel a failure yourself. When the bus doesn’t come, you can always think "it was the bus fault" but if you do take the test the only thought there is, is "I’m an idiot!”

Now if the bus doesn’t show up, there is still the doubt, did I missed it, or did the bus got lost, and even if the answer was that the bus didn’t show up, you then start thinking if it’s worth a try to get to the test any other way, harder more difficult. But you don’t want the test! You don’t fell ready for it.

All this is rather disappointing, because you can’t escape the test. You’ll have to face it one way or another. I am trapped in that second. I can’t escape the bus stop. I’m sitting there, in the cold, thinking what to do and not doing anything, watching the clock every 30 seconds, partly hoping the bus will show up, partly hoping it won’t. Not daring to go away and give up, not daring to go the other way and do it in a harder way.

(6 days late)

School-days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence.

School-days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence. They are full of dull, unintelligible tasks, new and unpleasant ordinances, brutal violations of common sense and common decency. It doesn't take a reasonably bright boy long to discover that most of what is rammed into him is nonsense, and that no one really cares very much whether he learns it or not.

H. L. Mencken

Why do I study?  Why am I studying? Why am I wasting my time this way? It’s no secret I don’t enjoy school, in any way, I hate it in every way... I hate my closed-minded friends, gym class, the self-proclaimed know-it all teachers, the useless subjects (including the ones I chose), that without counting; waking up at 5:30 every day, the soft-core bullies, the choking, the lame humiliation, people in my bus, overpriced things at the copy shop, long lines at the cafeteria, kneeling down every time to open my locker, feeling so stupid... etc.

But now I think of something that does really bothers me of being in school, I simply CANT be ME; That is, the person that writes this, it’s another person than the one that goes to school or lives at home. I don’t know if I’m making sense, it’s like if when I sit and write over here, another person takes over... Never the less the person that writes here is the person I’m more comfortable with being. I like being the person that writes. Unfortunately it doesn’t exist anywhere else. The moment I speak to someone else, he disappears and runs to put all kinds of masks to show the person, everyone think they know. And there comes times where masks are so many and so heavy that I suffocate and I can’t breathe and is like if suddenly I had stopped controlling it, like if I had lend my body to someone. And now it seems everyone is living and I'm just watching and I could just break down and no one would notice or know why it is.

That’s why I can’t take it anymore, what recently happened at my diary was the top, having to close it down just because someone at school had found it… the fact of having to shut up because of my school, has been one of the most humiliating things in my life. I got totally silenced by the world that surrounded me, because of a stupid guy with a promise to make my life a living hell... 

Sometimes... (Like all the time) I’d like to leave school. just stop feeling a moron and numb, stop hiding who I am, start doing something I really enjoy, cut all those fake friends and stupid jokes; no more sadistic comments, immature sayings, gum in my hair, laughs at my back and other nasty things I don’t want to remember. Maybe if I leave school leave school, I could keep on studying at home, at my own rhythm... no pressures, no more tests or homework; it will all depend on me.

Self-sufficiency, it would be the first mayor thing done by myself.

I just don’t know how to sit down again one hour in front of an exam without a clue of what I have to do, and watch how the time goes on, with my paper clear and my head in blank, waiting for someone who will miraculously see you in all your despair and help you. Or maybe just stop studying at all... I could live up by my talents or something... of course despite the fact I have none.

In school everything is just so unfair, tons and tons of homework. They say that that kind of work is to raise our academic levels and have better grades than the ones last year, but how can you raise our academic levels by pushing us to hard in one year without previous preparation, twice as work the ones had last year, less recuperation opportunities and an increased demand for quality in our homework (?). Besides there’s a lot of time for small petty humiliations, all you get there are insults and stupid questions, besides comments and orders from the hideous teachers.

Maybe I’m just not feeling right, maybe because after gym class "is" impossible to feel right. First you are all sweaty and dirty; from the entire pushups you miserably try to do on the ground because of being the last to get to the teacher, after running 3 times around the football field. But generally there is the subconscious bonus of seeing other cute and hot guys in the same state. Now that is a great thing for specially two cuties in my class. One is a tall blond guy, with a really great body, dirty blond hair, charismatic personality and what really makes it unique is that is very, very, very smart.

I remember that during my first year in that school I had a dream about him; we were in a peer together and I can’t remember why he jumped in the water fully clothed... and then I guess he took of his clothes off in the water leaving his boxers, and gave them to me, then I would throw them far away and he would swim to get it and put it on again... it was really hot and fun... 

He, like most guys who have a great body at school, has an unconsciously method of showing it, so we, all the fat wimps feel more as losers than the rest most of time, the amazing ability of making the uniform look good on them, in a kind of sporty way, besides keeping always the shirt up in the most creative ways, so we all can see his fabulous abs, besides having the pants kind of pulled down so the underwear is always visible.

To say there are no hotties in my school would be a major lie, there are many, especially in 7th, 8th and 9th grade. Some with beautiful eyes, a cute face, or a great body... most of them I keep on watching all the time and I have to keep reminding myself not to stare much.

School is just a place to be unhappy, stupid laws, and absolute monarchy by teacher’s directives or soft-core bullies. It’s a place where people live with fear and confusion, mindless acts and memorizing useless and absurd stuff instead of learning. 

I just don’t know what’s going on ... I had a problem with my head group teacher, (which happens to be my head teacher too :$ ) we started arguing about something really stupid until she came with the most stupid argument I’ve ever heard:

- You do it when I say it, it’s not your choice - she said already freaked out - why? - I asked reasonably - just because- she replied even more stupidly - and if you don’t like it you can leave! - - well thanks...- I said, and left the class room.

It all happened so fast I couldn’t swallow it... what?!? It’s not my choice?!? “Just because?!?” what kind of argument is that? What kind of answer is that for an almost 50 year’s old shrunken woman? I mean she obviously studied math because has terrible problems with self-esteem… I would I looked like her. Maybe she needs to follow orders and formulas so she doesn’t have to think about anything… and avoid the fact of her own existence. Why do I always think of what to say when is too late?

but after all I had a chance to say part of what I said, when she handed me the detention card where I am supposed to give my opinion on what I think, and I’m sure I told Delilah something she didn’t like, that’s why she went down to the principal and took me out of chemistry class to chat or I better say criticize and fend for herself.

What I wrote was something like this:

“Who are you to decide what is ok or not? Beside I think the teacher should learn to give a more strong argument than 'just because’, answers should be according to the age… and oh, by the way... it is always my choice."

But just as I came in the comments on school moral started, mental disorder or nonsense rebellion started, all kinds of judgments against me were heard in the place, but specially bothered me the one that said that I wasn’t reasonable with my words and thoughts. I tried to say what I thought and argument my position but words failed me I suppose... And I started to be at their side. I hate that so much! Beside it was two against one and that is cowardly. The principal treated me as a mental idiot that could not understand where I was standing on.

First they said I had insulted Delilah’s moral authority... is there any moral authority? Actually I don’t think there is, but if there should be one, that, it should be mine, the one I choose, not one someone has imposed upon me. Laws should not be imposed they should be proposed and accepted by consent. For me, my answer to Delilah’s comments might have not been what she wanted or expected, but surely was what I need it. If I had stayed quiet and obeyed would have meant to give up my rights and thoughts, to kneel down and just repent, was giving up any value to what I think or what I am.

My dilemma: "why study?" there could be an award such as "knowledge" (yeah right) or a diploma to work or get to collage. But there could be a menace too, like the fear to be a looser (my case) or to be afraid of rejection by the family or friends.

Why it is the guys at my school are so into soft-core bullying stupidly, yeah not into hard bullying just common nonsense bullying. Why are guys so stupid, it’s like having people emotionally and spiritually retarded, maybe I’m generalizing and I know it’s not fair? This reminds me of something a girl said "men have a huge space in the brain, between thinking and feeling, that’s why they can feel and think but not at the same time". It just sometimes seems men are not thinking anything at all... but.... that’s impossible.

I mean chase a ball for two hours... complain about it and plan strategies to do it better the next time. Just like hazing. In my school, it may be funny the first time, and maybe the second, but when you keep on doing it the same way and expecting a different reaction is just maniac. I wish they would just stop it or do it really hard, for a change.

Why it is that abandoning school is seen as such a bad thing or ridiculous. My head group once said something I considered very offensive. "You only exist to study". She obviously has no idea of what is going on my mind, and how much I need to believe that is not true. But anyway, don’t teachers get that they have no rights if we don’t have them, I mean we are the ones paying a miserable salary so they just speak their shit, and hold up their tongue when it comes to their thoughts or comments.

I am just so tired of feeling so stupid, I can’t defend an argument and it always seems I’m making the worst ridiculous thing, and no one understands me or gets me and I feel so dumb... maybe I’m just retarded, I don’t get things the way most people do, and that makes me stupid. Even the closest person to me in school keeps criticizing everything I do and say all the time, everyone thinks I am the most immature being ever, the dumb one with no logic or reason. A good-for-nothing, idiot boy, with absolutely no talent for anything. I’m so tired of people thinking I am stupid, I can see it in their faces and little dissimulated glances at me.

Sometimes I just hallucinate with someone who will come out from nowhere and make my life something new and special.

Maybe I should be a dumb slave of the system study a boring career, go to church and throw everything I believe to hell because anyway I’d be unhappy.

“Always expect the worse and you won’t be disappointed”

I don’t want to belong to that school anymore. It is funny how the emigrant effect caused by violence can be seen on my class room.

It only takes two idiots (like in real life) to stand on each side of the classroom and start kicking a ball really hard to each other, without caring (or on purpose) hitting anyone who is between them. People afraid of getting hit, start to silently move to one of the sides to be save or if you are stupid enough even take part on the game

“Stupidity does not know any limits” - - - /o/ - - - “there’s no worst thing than stupidity in action”

I heard a guy talking in school with his friend about this same problem; he didn’t want to continue with this, he was tired of school as I am. After saying that, one of his friends answered this: “I know how you feel my friend, believe me, everyone at school goes through that… and that same feeling is going to last for about two months and then there’ll be nothing else but resignation”.

(1 day late)

During our school's cultural week, we had tons and tons of free time. Sounds like a lot of fun, but it really was disappointing. Just having that kind of time without having to work or study, really opened my eyes. It was so boring!!! I guess I just realized how stupid and empty they are. They just stressed me, their stupid routines, their cake face, their lack of maturity.

I realized that life is more than school and stupid jokes. Now I see, they have absolutely no compassion or interest for anything else. They are sadist; they love blood and see other people injured. And if that’s not enough then they'll make it more bloody and cruel up to a maximum point. To hear them talk like that gave me nausea. Then the same comments come again, and again, and again, and again.

How can people forget about pain? About feelings? Is just not right. Today we were on recess and I was reading when they kicked me in the eye with a ball. It really hurt, but no one noticed what had happened, so I don’t know why I needed to get attention or somebody to get worried, so I covered my eye like if blood had come out and ran. When I got to the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror, there I was, and a looser that no one cared about. I even got some red paint form my locker and tried to make like if blood had really come out. Then I realized how pathetic it was and washed it off. I came two of them asked how I was and what had happened. They didn’t laugh, but they didn’t cared either. Just like "if he dies, Ok, if he doesn’t, its Ok I guess”.

But the truth is I can't stand people who laughs about an afghan woman who gets killed on a football stadium like my "friends" do. Sorry. 

1 day late