angst, geekery and lust

Crushes are to feel crushed... I can handle crushes; my entire life, has been a series of crushes, not only with people, but with dreams, with stories... and most of all on me...

It is my latest discovery: I had a crush on myself. I think maybe I still do... I had a crush on who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, how I wanted to be... and I had been longing for that person to come along.. so I could be happy...

But its never going to, because its a crush on someone that well... can’t be... and for number of reasons. One he isn’t as smart as he had to be, he isn’t living where he was supposed to.. And well he will never look as I hoped he would...

I’m clinging again to the idea that all this... my life.. is just a  mere case of clinical depression.... a case that just has gone by unnoticed... I need to make it noticeable... but how?.. it’s a rhetorical question.... suicide...

Josh wrote this to me:

I want you to know that...

Even though it was possible for you to never talk to me again...because you'd be gone...my life...continued normally.

The world didn't end. I was ok...and when I was with my dad...I forgot all about you...

You know, I missed talking to you.

But at the same time, I don't even care...

Sorry if this sounds harsh but like...

Part of me really does not enjoy talking to you at all...

It's annoying, depressing, and ends up with an argument.

So yes, here comes the crushing part of the crush... with the horrible fact that it will never go anywhere... and that it was never meant to be...

I think all I ever wanted to be... I had to be by the time I was 21...

I said I needed someone that would get me and push me... I need pushing, everything that’s worth been doing in my life I’ve been pushed to do it... so when it comes to studying overseas... well I need someone to push me do it, basically force me to... and force me because I will fight it back, I would fight that person back, even if it’s doing something I really want to do... it’s insane, like if I had no willpower whatsoever... but just otherwise I’m too scared... I’m too terrified... I can’t move on my own otherwise...

(1 day late)