Putting it simple

Putting it simple; the world has disappointed me. I've disappointed myself, I hate what I think, what I am, my hands hurt sometimes ... I keep thinking in the life of Xag, AKA, my death, I need Xag, I need him like I’ve never needed anyone else, but cannot find him, I'm sure he also needs me, how pathetic, how many people get up every morning thinking on how your life will be when they finally die... I find comfort in imagining friends I WILL have then, a life I WILL live afterwards... but not something I already have.

... My head is full of horrible thoughts, of humiliation, of myself, of death... I can’t stop thinking about death, especially in the death of my father, I don’t mean to be mean, but if it really happened I wonder if it would cost me too much effort to cry.

I want my life to be special! I want to be a special person! Not to be this horrible thing that I am now ... I hope something works out.

I hate they cut my vacations two weeks short, my dad insists that I should study computers in the evenings, Makes me so mad!!

This show that is my life is sad and pathetic; if there’s a scriptwriter I think he should kill someone or have me change schools again. But apparently neither will happen...

Is it possible to find a guide to happiness? Will I ever have the courage to escape and do something interesting?  Find my best friend? Can I stop lying? Or will I be ameinian? actually I have the answer to the last question, is that I am not ameinian.... according to some online test I'm only 27% ameinian (a ameinian person has on average 39%), and that’s kind of a disappointment .... It does not lift the little self-esteem I got one bit...

I do not want to be this horrible thing I am now, come on, how many people like pulling their underwear up... my hands hurt sometimes ... that's pathetic, I really want to get it out of my head it but I do not know how. I decided to leave Obsidian in peace and not bully him anymore... then hope it works.... Will I stop liking the humiliation? ... Though actually it should be called W.S.CR.K.M.S.W.P.UP. (Wedgies, Swirlies, Clothes Ripping, Kegging, Melvins, Slime, Water, Pieing and Underwear Pouring) I promise myself not to do any of these to anyone who does not like it.

Now that I hate part of whom I am; what other parts do I hate? I hate that I tell lies, that my physical body is disgusting, and that I have a twisted mind who enjoys the humiliation of other underage boys? Could I get that out my head if I delete all those humiliating things I have on my PC?

I know the answer to most if not all of these... I'll have to learn to "Stop waiting for the solutions in other people, the only solution is you. If you are not, then there is no solution"

(7 days late)