Today, I came to terms with something

Today, I came to terms with something, there's no doubt that I am some kind of masochist. 

And you'd probably think I mean, something deep and emotional, related somehow to my tortured psyche, but no, the simple truth is that I love the idea of boys being humiliated, maybe suffering. I have never organized this thoughts but they have always been there, even in my desmænok, I see myself physically suffering and being humiliated, it's sort of an addiction... I think. 

Today I was watching a Hollywood action flick, Ransom, if I recall correctly, and they had this kid being kidnapped, he was beautiful, and they were mean to him, but I enjoyed seeing him  pushed and dragged, and specially loved when he peed himself. 

These sound like the words of a psychopath, devoid of emotion, compassion... I can only say its the opposite, there are a lot of emotions here, just lack of talent to express them.

I feel about this so much, that's how I see myself in my desmænok.... In fact i have it all planned out; first being kidnapped and ending up in a guerrilla concentration camp, then, being victim of some bully and being completely trashed in school, later in this kind of fight club, where they got me into a cage with another kids and finally I end up (I don't know if dead) in a kidnapping like the one in this movie. 

I know it isn't the right thing, I can't take it off my mind; I love to see how they bully Obsidiana at school and how I humiliate him pouring water down his underwear. 

(3 days late)