Vacation have started and my free time is too much for me, besides I’m not feeling very well, actually I’m feeling useless and with nothing to do. Christmas has just started and the long prayers have started, I feel terribly uncomfortable about it and realized that I’m kind of a scrooge, I don’t like Christmas, listening carols, bright lights and family stories make feel sick. Maybe I just hate the family part.
To fight this I’m reading harry potter, but back to reality, I’m depressed by the way I look, I mean, I do hate myself, I hate me so much that I attract people to remind me about it. This reminds me about a dream I had the other night, I met Cloud 9 for 3rd or 4th time in my dreams, and god... I loved her then. Is one of just loves that grows inside again when you remember about it. I don’t even know why, I sure was attracted to her in my old school, I remember always wanting to be with her, she must have seen me like a pest, she was so sweet and lovely and cute and..... (Sigh...) I need someone to love me for whom I am. But no one does, no one actually knows who I am … I can see now how that can be tricky...
This is why I cannot stand my family, they only love me because I’m part of the family, but nothing else, and none of them would even look at me, if it was not my mom’s son. This is a trauma for so long… I should write prince stories. I think I understand this dilemma of being loved for who your family is and not who you are. Insane and pretentious, I know.
The again its most likely because I don’t look like a loving person, actually I don’t look like any kind of person, I’m so ugly and horrible, I wish could stay locked up in this room for the rest of this life; not that would solve anything, I have spoken to people online that never see me and I end up screwing it all up too.
(7 days late)
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