I think we all admire heroes for some reason...

I think we all admire heroes for some reason...Sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their goodness.But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued.

So desperately, we read comics, watch westerns, get involved in politics, read biographies of long lost artists...

And then, we create these heroes out of the people we know, we make them out of our families... our lovers...

We . . . all look and expect for someone, to reach out, understand us, and save us...

The Question is... from what?

From fears that keep us from our dreams...

From loneliness. . .

From boredom...

From routine...

From our mistakes...

We hoped, once this hero knocked on our door...

Fear of speaking on the phone would disappear

The need to find company online would vanish...

We would create amazing things with watercolors any random day...

The vice of writing and prostituting our emotions and thoughts online would be overshadowed by sharing every cute thought and word with the one we loved...

We supposedly befriend and love others, because they make us better people

HOW AM I BETTER?

My fears have grown. . .

I don't have it in me to kiss someone on the street...

I fear not touching the right way the Person I love...

I dare not write another word for my book, I fear using paint and brush.

I am now bored at reading my beloved books,

I am now bored when watching TV

I am now bored on the pc

I am most bored when doing a vid

And I delve into new hideous routines

Routine where I speak of my relationships and dreams with others, instead of our own.

Routine of me bringing up suicide on the least opportune moments,

Of being disillusioned at every new attempt...

Of me rejecting every facet of his life when I get the chance...

And mistakes, I've made all the mistakes

The ones in every don’ts list and every in the do's list

I keep making my old mistakes

Self-sabotaging, shying, lying

And knowing all this, and saying it here, makes me feel ever more...

lonely... because that’s the reason I can’t trust... anyone... or I enjoy being a martyr or something... but right now, I feel like the loneliest being in the world, even when he is there by my side. Because don’t trust stuff. I don’t want to trust... because whatever he would say back would be so wrong... and the breach I established between us is now to big…

(4 days late)