Hi, I'm Xag

Hi, I'm Xag; I am 17 years old and live in Colombia. I think I have been depressed since I have memory, I'm an introvert, and I do not excel in any physical or academic activity. I have been feeling 100 years old since I was 10 and I think I can write a great story, which I started writing four years ago, but that by the time of this writing it’s barely on its third chapter.

I believe in three things: God, happiness and magic. Of all of them I doubt of from time to time.

I am a compulsive liar, prone to invent drama in my past. I wanted to be physically abused by my family or my classmates, thing which never happened. I don’t have now or ever had, any friends, and I have never been involved romantically with someone, I suffer from panic attacks when having to face new social situations which include sweat, itching and intense heart beating, especially at the time of having to make a phone call. It depresses me to see boys being happy, blond or in the beach and I love to see them suffer. I do not tolerate animal cruelty, but I encourage it in teens. I feel empathy with serial murderers.

I have suicidal thoughts every day since I have nine years, I've slept with a knife under the pillow just in case and  cut my wrists some times, I’m not sure if a cry for attention or because I really like it.

I hate public speaking, unless I am in a position of authority. I blame society and the misfortune of being surrounded by it for part of my unhappiness, as well as I blame my immediate and extended family. I'm shallow, masochistic and materialistic.

I criticize myself harshly at every action, and I have trouble forgiving my mistakes, specially the insignificant ones. I live with my mom who works two jobs and I'm afraid to be ameinian for the wrong reasons. I panic at the thought of changing for the better, either being improving the way I dress and act or applying for scholarships and contests that could reasonably only benefit me. I'm terrified that to continue living at home until I am 40 years old.

I think I have spoken with God, at a younger age I wondered if I was the reincarnation of Jesus and believed to be a martyr of faith. I remember the time when I was first aware of my existence. I always wanted to experience hallucinations, as well as a variety of other mental illnesses.

I daydream constantly and for long periods of time; it can be about having billions of dollars and all you could buy, or a tragic loss suffered unexpectedly, but mostly is about being confined to a wheelchair for life. (Now I’m obsessed with waking up at age 10, with all the memories I have now, and using them in the past for my advantage)

I have very specific tastes, most are complex stories that take my full attention, and even though most actually embarrass me to disclose in public. I dedicate an absurd amount of time to them. This includes also hours of daydreaming of how would be like to live in those worlds.

I hate giving and receiving gifts, I've always felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I was born to be beautiful, which I am not... I am very ugly. But very rarely I think I have an exhibitionist side.

I am submissive or dominant depending on the relationship you have with the other person. But I am mortified of being trapped in a role... I do not think there is true love for me in this planet, but in my imagination I am married with three others, they are my soul mates.

I like doing things alone, but I find it loneliness intolerable.

Otherwise I think I'm normal, mediocre, stupid and deadly ... and like everyone I believe I'm the most special person in the world.