No one noticed

I remember vividly, in my second school, third grade... I was about nine years old, That I started daydreaming about drowning myself by taking a deep breath while I had my head submerged inside a water filled sink... of course it was silly and stupid, then again I was nine so I gave it a pathetic and unnoticed try... 

I failed (obviously) and had to spend the rest of the day in school with my hair and t-shirt soaked. Everyone thinking I had been victim of a swirly... which to be honest would have been less humiliating to myself.

Being that young, suicide was never discussed with anyone... I remember looking down my bedroom window at night (five floors high), and wishing I was brave to enough to jump from it...  but I always found myself stopping hurriedly before the big leap.

I have mixed feelings about this, I truly admire people who do it... but I can’t stand hearing other people thinking about it, I can’t help it, I despise people who feel down and on the edge of killing themselves... its silly… but I can’t be around them. I feel jealous, like if only I was allowed to feel such despair, like only I have the right to do consider such an exit... 

I got some cheap school therapy when I was 11 but after that I just became more and more invisible, no one noticed how sad I was... no one notices how sad I am.

One day in Spanish class I was 17 ... I can’t remember what happened, I was devastated about something... I got my pencil case, withdraw a bistoury... and gently I started slicing my wrists, in the middle of the class... and no one, absolutely no one noticed...

Part of me wanted people to notice, call psychiatrists and save me from the hell I was living... the emptiness was killing me... I was literally bleeding myself out in classes and my room, for a couple of days and none noticed... of course I never got as deep as to cut the artery but there was lot of blood staining my shirt sleeves and no one noticed... and those who did didn’t car,. My close friends noticed but never said a word... and one teacher once saw my wrist and asked me what was going on... I avoided answer and she never talked about it again...

While I debated if should use my invisibility powers for good or evil... the interest on slicing my wrists wore off... because more "important "things were going on...

Now I’m collage... no one notices I suck at journalism and that’s what I’m studying... No one notices I want to be a successful novelist, no one notices I’m 18 and I have never kissed a girl... no one notices I still pray I won’t wake up the next morning... probably no one will notice I notice they don’t notice…

(11 days late)