Leaping tiger gorge

The Naxi people in china...

"Couples used to plan their suicide well in advance, to take care of all the details ... [...] The lovers dressed in their best clothes and went to a nearby mountain, where they built a simple abode of branches and flowers: They spent their last moments drinking, singing and dancing. And then committed suicide by throwing themselves from the mountain, hanging themselves on a tree or ingesting poisonous substances. "

Soul Sickness

Vacation have started and my free time is too much for me, besides I’m not feeling very well, actually I’m feeling useless and with nothing to do. Christmas has just started and the long prayers have started, I feel terribly uncomfortable about it and realized that I’m kind of a scrooge, I don’t like Christmas, listening carols, bright lights and family stories make feel sick. Maybe I just hate the family part.

To fight this I’m reading harry potter, but back to reality, I’m depressed by the way I look, I mean, I do hate myself, I hate me so much that I attract people to remind me about it. This reminds me about a dream I had the other night, I met Cloud 9 for 3rd or 4th time in my dreams, and god... I loved her then. Is one of just loves that grows inside again when you remember about it. I don’t even know why, I sure was attracted to her in my old school, I remember always wanting to be with her, she must have seen me like a pest, she was so sweet and lovely and cute and..... (Sigh...) I need someone to love me for whom I am. But no one does, no one actually knows who I am … I can see now how that can be tricky...

This is why I cannot stand my family, they only love me because I’m part of the family, but nothing else, and none of them would even look at me, if it was not my mom’s son. This is a trauma for so long… I should write prince stories. I think I understand this dilemma of being loved for who your family is and not who you are. Insane and pretentious, I know. 

The again its most likely because I don’t look like a loving person, actually I don’t look like any kind of person, I’m so ugly and horrible, I wish could stay locked up in this room for the rest of this life; not that would solve anything, I have spoken to people online that never see me and I end up screwing it all up too. 

(7 days late)

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter.

There should be a name for the feeling you get when reading harry potter. 

I don’t know if it only happens to me, but it kind of produces something inside me. Makes me think of something better and magical… and magical as in real magic. It just makes me wonder and feel that any day your life could drastically change and be great. 

It’s been almost three longish years since I first read harry potter, it’s cool reading it again since I don’t remember much of the things. I can’t stop wishing I could be there in the story somewhere somehow, I don’t want to change the story because is great as it is. Just want to add me to it.

 This reminds me of saying:

 "What do you prefer, to make sense or to be happy?"

What do I want to be happy? I can’t even... no, I don’t know, this is frustrating, but I guess that a big part of it is to get know who I am. How lame that came out… What do I chose in relation of who I am and who I want to be. 

I feel sad... Maybe is beyond sadness… just is compassion for myself... I feel so cold, I feel trapped. I need to get free. Don’t have a clue of how, but I need to.

(3 days late)

Dissect my body, and hoppe you may find traces in my brain of what you were unable to find in the living expressions of my intellectual activities.

Now vindicated scientist, Paul Kammerer,  wrote in his suicide note, he dedicated his body to be dissected at the medical university, hoping his colleagues may find “traces in my brain of what they were unable to find in the living expressions of my intellectual activities”. 

So Typically Me

I met someone online, and he sure has shown me the looser I am.

To make things worse, my mom is planning a trip to a town in the country, hot weather. I hate going to places like that I feel so pathetic. 

I really need friends, someone near me, my age, that fully understands me, and know how to treat me. Someone who I could go swim in the ocean totally clothed, gee that relaxes me and excites me, I don’t know if that’s wrong but I’ve hide it all my life. People wouldn’t understand how cool the wet clothes feel... 

Why do I like it? Well I’ve been always very attracted to getting wet, in my old school there was a river where my math teacher used to take us to make some yoga, I always wished to fall in to the river, I even once accepted a dare and poured over me a bucket filled with river water.  But the first time I really did it because I liked it was a rainy day and I felt really sad and depressed, I did not want to go to class, so I dreamed awake that I would stay outside in the rain and get totally soaked, how it would look and feel stayed in my mind... a kind of poetic image stayed in my mind and hooked me. When I got home I couldn’t resist anymore and decided to take a bath, I wanted to go in with my school uniform but I was kind of scared so I decided to just do it in my briefs and a white shirt... then I came out and looked myself in to the mirror, I sure was surprised, I saw a new exciting figure of me, that felt cool, looked so cool, so forbidden, so out of place : P Since that moment I’ve been into wet clothes, I tried with the clothes I can, being careful about not ruining my clothes. I even remember, that it was like the second time I was going to try it, that one of my sisters came in to the bathroom while I was in the shower (I still used only my briefs and a shirt), she apologized but with a funny expression told me, - Santiago... why are you taking a shower with your underwear? - I was terrified so my reacted surprised too, and said that I haven’t noticed it, she must have known that I was in to something weird but never touched the subject again.

I’ve never gone swimming fully clothed, I don’t even have a tub to know how it will feel to be underwater with clothes, those things I wish to experiment with my friends, if I ever find them.

I guess that this is just one of my crazy freaky traits; there are also wedgies and slime. Wedgies are painful and fun, it’s great to get some... I’ve received wedgies and Melvin very few times, but at least I’ve given a vicious wedgie... poor kid, I tortured hem, I can’t stop feeling guilty and proud at the same time. I really wish to find a wedgie buddy, I want to receive all kind of wedgies there are, and sometimes I give myself wedgies… 

I once dreamed I was playing a game and since then I’ve been obsessed. I have come to name it “card wars". Its a little hard core I guess, to be honest is a fetishist game. Let me explain it... is between guys, the only thing you need is a pack of cards and a rotten mind... I can’t explain in English how the cards are played, but the important part is when someone wins the round, that one who wins gets the right to do whatever he wants to the other person, sliming and Pieing are the most popular, getting messy your opponent is the objective, like throw over him a bottle of milk, or pouring spaghetti sauce in his underwear.... depends on you, you can also have the right to destroy his clothes, cut his pants or rip his shirt, me personally would get his underwear off with his pants on!!! An atomic Melvin/wedgie!!!! mmm.... if played by couples, the guys play the cards, the one who wins tells the girlfriend of the loser what to do to him.... gee this one gets me horny, just imagining my girlfriend baking a cake in my underwear makes me hard!!! If I could play this game I sure would cheat to loose ;)

Ok, I'm weird, if spaghetti in my briefs while hanging by them on a perch turns me on.  I’m not exactly normal sexually. 

Well, writing this tells me something, the girl or boy for me will accept it, I know that... I hope.

(1 day late)

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved...

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved.... by no one, and it surprises me, that I haven’t find out until today, all the love I received comes with hurt. I confused love with pain, he loves me, ergo, he hurts me."friends are gods way to apologize for your family" but look at my "friends" they hurt me too, in the worst way... in continuum and routinary way, every day in the year, they hurt me, during my whole life it’s been like that... but for me it was normal, how can pain become normal?.... how do I let it continue?. I’m so sorry I’m not the brother my sisters want. And I’m so sorry about not being the son my parents want...Gee, it’s sad, now I’m sacred, cuz I think I love in the same way, I hurt people I love, it’s insane!!!! But I do, I know it. No matter how I don’t want to believe it, it’s true, I know that I’ll fool myself in any moment, and find an excuse for this.... I don’t even love myself...

To you, I need you near me, I need you so much, please come for me and rescue me and take me out of here...Don’t leave me alone, I’m satin for you, in fact I’m always waiting. Please let me know you are real. Let me know you will always be here and never leave. I'll die if you don’t come to me soon... please.

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14 i was in my school bus.

This kid, his name is george, well, he was (and still is) the most annoying kid ever, the reject, everyone treated him like trash, he was bullied, but he was also a despicable person so i never really cared for him. anyway, the first of several times, i being more of a loner, ended up having him sitting next to me in the schoolbus. of course i treated him with the same desrespect everyone else treated hime, he had tanned skin, flat black hair and fat black eyes and a very small thin body built.

So i told him that if he wanted to sit by my side he had to do as i said and one of the rulkes was not falling asleep on my shoulder.

of course, not even 5 mins after we left the school, he was pretending to be falling asleep on my shoulder. i kicked him with my elbow, but he continued, then I pushed his head abruptly away, but he continued.

Finally i was tired and i grabbed him by the hair and inflicting as much pain as i could i placed his big head between his legs.

Then i se it, when crouchin so far down, the back of his pullover and shirt was also lifted leaving to my reach the waisband of his ridiculus aqumarine generic brifes. I got a frim grip, he flinched, but he didnt move, he knew i woul pull it up, if he moved.

So I ordered him to stay like that the rest of the way, he did, i spend glorious 20 minutes holding his briefs while he had his head beteen his legs. People obviously noticed,, and i saw they were expecting me to pull.

Of course i didint let them down, i pulled high and strong for no reason, he yelled like a bitch, i didnt stop pulling, and i pulled and pulled, i saw my house down the corner, so i decided to get it done with, and i ripped hisdisgusting briefs off!!! aww, he was crying so beautyfully, people laughed, he was as humillieted as i ever got him... and i wedgied him some more times after, but that was the best.

2 days late

Sweet Prince's Heaven

Sweet Prince's Heaven

That world, my world my heaven that place where all my dreams and desires come true, where I can experiment all those wonderful things I know. This is what god might have felt, the knowledge of a feeling is nothing if it can't be originally felt, being conscious about it is not enough. People may not understand what my heaven is.... and to explain it is hard to.

Millions of stories, all equally great, and the stories my soul mates will all create, all an incredible paradise... something never seen before. And then is me.... Xag, the cutest being ever made perfect as I can be... happy incredibly happy all the time, capable of feeling everything and be happy about it.... a kid, 10 - 15 years old, the kid destined to save the world he created with his friends and to other people. 

God knows that thinking about this, makes me happy. Sometimes is too strong and gets me out of this world, is my fantastic and great craziness!!!! that one I love so much... my neurosis and my hysterical side.... my sarcastic comments, the beauty and good in the most horrible and sad experiences.... cuz all its perfect Ying and yang all combined in a perfect delicious way.... its like imagine the taste of the most incredible food ever, like discovering the philosophers stone, like being god!!!!!! And sure it feels great!!!!!!

In "The Client" movie there was this bit, I replayed over and over, a line spoken by the boy protagonist; it was something like:

- "I hate drunk people, they always say they are not drinking anymore, but they always do and come at night to beat you up, and you have to defend yourself with a bat for your life […] I told the judge all about the beatings and the humiliation and how has made us sleep outside" 

And I think now, I wished I was that boy, don't know why tormentors and sad pasts attract me, I really wish my dad would have beat me up and I wished that real bullies tortured me at school. But no, my life has been so simple, so empty... this life was chosen for me to not have strong feelings for anything, it’s so gray, there are no sad things or happy things, just things, boring things. I guess this is why I dream so much about completely sad and completely joyful experiences, because I can't stand the world in gray as it is.

(12 days late)

The happy death

On top of the safe lay a white envelope and a large black revolver. Zagreus had answered Mersault’s involuntarily curious stare with a smile. It was very simple. On days when the tragedy which had robbed him of his life was too much for him, he took out his letter, which he had not dated and which explained his desire to die. Then he laid the gun on the table, bent down to it and pressed his forehead against it, rolling his temples over it, calming the fever of his cheeks against the cold steel. For a long time he stayed like that, letting his fingers caress the trigger, lifting the safety-catch, until the world fell silent around him and his whole being, already half-asleep, united with the sensation of the cold, salty metal from which death could emerge. Realizing then that it would be enough for him to date his letter and pull the trigger, discovering the absurd feasibility of death, his imagination was vivid enough to show him the full horror of what life’s negation meant for him, and he drowned in his somnolence all his craving to live, to go on burning in dignity and silence. Then, waking completely, his mouth full of already bitter saliva, he would lick the gun barrel, sticking his tongue into it and sucking out an impossible happiness.

Albert Camus - A Happy Death

All there is

How can an entity that “is all there is” create something that it’s not it

If god is only love then how can there be hate, god is everything, then it cannot exist something that is not god or love. Anyway fear and evil exist, don’t they? 

Maybe fear and hate are just a hallucination to know who we are. But how can you create something it’s not you if you are all there is. You must have sadness to know happiness, you must know hate to have love. There can’t be light with no darkness, can it? 

God is everything that means that if god is all there is, how come that there is something wrong and something right? That doesn’t exists, wrong and right don’t exist as result that there is only one whole everything. So good and evil don’t exist either. And if I am all there is, couldn’t it be possible to make an entirely new illusion that is exactly what I’m not? After all I’m god, I can create anything, cuz I’m the cause of everything there is and it can be. So god is all LOVE and the rest and opposite are just a whole hallucination to so god and I could know who we really are

(4 days late)

You love it.... you kill it...

You love it.... you kill it...

I am looking forward to my 17th birthday... I thought for a long time that I was going to die before my 15th birthday, I never thought of living anymore. Frustrated by it I ingenuously tried to believe that maybe I could get magical powers on my 16th birthday as it happens on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Of course it didn't happen, since then I've been trying to feel complete, but the lack of self-esteem hasn’t helped much.

I am human and I need to be loved just as anyone else does. I thought that after reading the book everything was going to be right, but it’s not, I'm confused, I tired of thinking I just don’t want to stop thinking and to stop feeling.

Socrates was right. You only love yourself

(4 days late)

Nothing will die

 Never, oh! Never, nothing will

die; the stream flows,
the wind blows, the cloud fleets, the
heart beats...

From David Lynch's Elephant Man

The reason disaster doesn't squish me is because it feels like old times

The reason disaster doesn't squish me is because it feels like old times.

Bogota, where I live, can be described as a very big city, surrounded by mountains in the middle of the Andes, very high, very foggy and that gives it a mystic look, its very quiet at mornings, and there is a doves nest over my room, so when I wake early at morning I hear em clearly, Its very cold at mornings, so you can see steam coming out of your mouth very often.... there are no season over here but there is a lot of thick rain, but it can turn hot sometimes, climate here is really unpredictable. We Colombians suffer from the smell syndrome, we live in society that produces a certain kind of smell, that makes us act in the way we do in here, we dont care about environment, we kill ourselves, rob our neighbors, lie at all cost.... but when the Colombian gets free from that smell out of the country, its clean, respectful, caring... we created that smell, but we all want to get rid of it, that’s why I want to leave this country, its not the country itself its the smell in it.

Our society its screwed by indifference, we created it as shield to protect ourselves from becoming crazy because of the horrible things the surrounds us. we created a shield where we don’t feel compassion for no one, we don’t care for anyone, we don’t cry our dead, don’t protect the living.... and war will eat us all. 

(2 days late)