Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved...

Oh God it’s true, so true, I'm not loved.... by no one, and it surprises me, that I haven’t find out until today, all the love I received comes with hurt. I confused love with pain, he loves me, ergo, he hurts me."friends are gods way to apologize for your family" but look at my "friends" they hurt me too, in the worst way... in continuum and routinary way, every day in the year, they hurt me, during my whole life it’s been like that... but for me it was normal, how can pain become normal?.... how do I let it continue?. I’m so sorry I’m not the brother my sisters want. And I’m so sorry about not being the son my parents want...Gee, it’s sad, now I’m sacred, cuz I think I love in the same way, I hurt people I love, it’s insane!!!! But I do, I know it. No matter how I don’t want to believe it, it’s true, I know that I’ll fool myself in any moment, and find an excuse for this.... I don’t even love myself...

To you, I need you near me, I need you so much, please come for me and rescue me and take me out of here...Don’t leave me alone, I’m satin for you, in fact I’m always waiting. Please let me know you are real. Let me know you will always be here and never leave. I'll die if you don’t come to me soon... please.

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14

Cool, ok, my wedgie story, is from when i was 14 i was in my school bus.

This kid, his name is george, well, he was (and still is) the most annoying kid ever, the reject, everyone treated him like trash, he was bullied, but he was also a despicable person so i never really cared for him. anyway, the first of several times, i being more of a loner, ended up having him sitting next to me in the schoolbus. of course i treated him with the same desrespect everyone else treated hime, he had tanned skin, flat black hair and fat black eyes and a very small thin body built.

So i told him that if he wanted to sit by my side he had to do as i said and one of the rulkes was not falling asleep on my shoulder.

of course, not even 5 mins after we left the school, he was pretending to be falling asleep on my shoulder. i kicked him with my elbow, but he continued, then I pushed his head abruptly away, but he continued.

Finally i was tired and i grabbed him by the hair and inflicting as much pain as i could i placed his big head between his legs.

Then i se it, when crouchin so far down, the back of his pullover and shirt was also lifted leaving to my reach the waisband of his ridiculus aqumarine generic brifes. I got a frim grip, he flinched, but he didnt move, he knew i woul pull it up, if he moved.

So I ordered him to stay like that the rest of the way, he did, i spend glorious 20 minutes holding his briefs while he had his head beteen his legs. People obviously noticed,, and i saw they were expecting me to pull.

Of course i didint let them down, i pulled high and strong for no reason, he yelled like a bitch, i didnt stop pulling, and i pulled and pulled, i saw my house down the corner, so i decided to get it done with, and i ripped hisdisgusting briefs off!!! aww, he was crying so beautyfully, people laughed, he was as humillieted as i ever got him... and i wedgied him some more times after, but that was the best.

2 days late

Sweet Prince's Heaven

Sweet Prince's Heaven

That world, my world my heaven that place where all my dreams and desires come true, where I can experiment all those wonderful things I know. This is what god might have felt, the knowledge of a feeling is nothing if it can't be originally felt, being conscious about it is not enough. People may not understand what my heaven is.... and to explain it is hard to.

Millions of stories, all equally great, and the stories my soul mates will all create, all an incredible paradise... something never seen before. And then is me.... Xag, the cutest being ever made perfect as I can be... happy incredibly happy all the time, capable of feeling everything and be happy about it.... a kid, 10 - 15 years old, the kid destined to save the world he created with his friends and to other people. 

God knows that thinking about this, makes me happy. Sometimes is too strong and gets me out of this world, is my fantastic and great craziness!!!! that one I love so much... my neurosis and my hysterical side.... my sarcastic comments, the beauty and good in the most horrible and sad experiences.... cuz all its perfect Ying and yang all combined in a perfect delicious way.... its like imagine the taste of the most incredible food ever, like discovering the philosophers stone, like being god!!!!!! And sure it feels great!!!!!!

In "The Client" movie there was this bit, I replayed over and over, a line spoken by the boy protagonist; it was something like:

- "I hate drunk people, they always say they are not drinking anymore, but they always do and come at night to beat you up, and you have to defend yourself with a bat for your life […] I told the judge all about the beatings and the humiliation and how has made us sleep outside" 

And I think now, I wished I was that boy, don't know why tormentors and sad pasts attract me, I really wish my dad would have beat me up and I wished that real bullies tortured me at school. But no, my life has been so simple, so empty... this life was chosen for me to not have strong feelings for anything, it’s so gray, there are no sad things or happy things, just things, boring things. I guess this is why I dream so much about completely sad and completely joyful experiences, because I can't stand the world in gray as it is.

(12 days late)

The happy death

On top of the safe lay a white envelope and a large black revolver. Zagreus had answered Mersault’s involuntarily curious stare with a smile. It was very simple. On days when the tragedy which had robbed him of his life was too much for him, he took out his letter, which he had not dated and which explained his desire to die. Then he laid the gun on the table, bent down to it and pressed his forehead against it, rolling his temples over it, calming the fever of his cheeks against the cold steel. For a long time he stayed like that, letting his fingers caress the trigger, lifting the safety-catch, until the world fell silent around him and his whole being, already half-asleep, united with the sensation of the cold, salty metal from which death could emerge. Realizing then that it would be enough for him to date his letter and pull the trigger, discovering the absurd feasibility of death, his imagination was vivid enough to show him the full horror of what life’s negation meant for him, and he drowned in his somnolence all his craving to live, to go on burning in dignity and silence. Then, waking completely, his mouth full of already bitter saliva, he would lick the gun barrel, sticking his tongue into it and sucking out an impossible happiness.

Albert Camus - A Happy Death

All there is

How can an entity that “is all there is” create something that it’s not it

If god is only love then how can there be hate, god is everything, then it cannot exist something that is not god or love. Anyway fear and evil exist, don’t they? 

Maybe fear and hate are just a hallucination to know who we are. But how can you create something it’s not you if you are all there is. You must have sadness to know happiness, you must know hate to have love. There can’t be light with no darkness, can it? 

God is everything that means that if god is all there is, how come that there is something wrong and something right? That doesn’t exists, wrong and right don’t exist as result that there is only one whole everything. So good and evil don’t exist either. And if I am all there is, couldn’t it be possible to make an entirely new illusion that is exactly what I’m not? After all I’m god, I can create anything, cuz I’m the cause of everything there is and it can be. So god is all LOVE and the rest and opposite are just a whole hallucination to so god and I could know who we really are

(4 days late)

You love it.... you kill it...

You love it.... you kill it...

I am looking forward to my 17th birthday... I thought for a long time that I was going to die before my 15th birthday, I never thought of living anymore. Frustrated by it I ingenuously tried to believe that maybe I could get magical powers on my 16th birthday as it happens on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Of course it didn't happen, since then I've been trying to feel complete, but the lack of self-esteem hasn’t helped much.

I am human and I need to be loved just as anyone else does. I thought that after reading the book everything was going to be right, but it’s not, I'm confused, I tired of thinking I just don’t want to stop thinking and to stop feeling.

Socrates was right. You only love yourself

(4 days late)

Nothing will die

 Never, oh! Never, nothing will

die; the stream flows,
the wind blows, the cloud fleets, the
heart beats...

From David Lynch's Elephant Man

The reason disaster doesn't squish me is because it feels like old times

The reason disaster doesn't squish me is because it feels like old times.

Bogota, where I live, can be described as a very big city, surrounded by mountains in the middle of the Andes, very high, very foggy and that gives it a mystic look, its very quiet at mornings, and there is a doves nest over my room, so when I wake early at morning I hear em clearly, Its very cold at mornings, so you can see steam coming out of your mouth very often.... there are no season over here but there is a lot of thick rain, but it can turn hot sometimes, climate here is really unpredictable. We Colombians suffer from the smell syndrome, we live in society that produces a certain kind of smell, that makes us act in the way we do in here, we dont care about environment, we kill ourselves, rob our neighbors, lie at all cost.... but when the Colombian gets free from that smell out of the country, its clean, respectful, caring... we created that smell, but we all want to get rid of it, that’s why I want to leave this country, its not the country itself its the smell in it.

Our society its screwed by indifference, we created it as shield to protect ourselves from becoming crazy because of the horrible things the surrounds us. we created a shield where we don’t feel compassion for no one, we don’t care for anyone, we don’t cry our dead, don’t protect the living.... and war will eat us all. 

(2 days late)

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok

I know somehow that our relationship is not ok, in some way it’s not.

I simply don’t trust you, I don’t. Even although we have lived all my life together and we have many things in common, I can’t feel comfortable with you. This has become sick, because it’s come to point where I can’t be myself with you, but I need to be a totally opposite person. it’s just how it happens, I’m totally forced by some force to be someone I’m not when I’m with you, or with my sisters, that's why I am rude, that's why I'm selfish. 

In school I'm a totally different person, there in school, I'm the nice, inoffensive, submissive, giving one, but when I'm home I just get to be totally different and it’s wrong, it should be all upside down, here I should be the cute, nice one. And in school the nasty one. Because it hasn’t worked in any side

Tonight when you asked why you loved me, I said what I think it’s true "you don’t know me". You don’t really know me, not even half of me, part because I don’t let you, part because you don’t want to. It’s so unbelievable, that seeing our faces for such a long time, every day of my life, we still are so distant each other.

The things you say and do prove it, how can you even think I close up in my room to see porn, how can’t you notice when I’m lying, how can you ever think  that I would become ameinian(er) in a mixed school, and become a straight  man in an all-male school?. How could you let me go live with my dad? You were scared, and all your fucking family (and I know it’s true, because I heard you), that I might become ameinian; I hate you for it… like if it was something bad.

I was 14, obviously getting interested in girls and you took them away. I could have been such a great guy, and not the thing I’m right now, an almost bisexual being, trying to find its own identity. I grew in an all-girl family, how you imagined I was going to act? I was the ideal guy, that one you describe in movies, but you give me up to my dad (LOOK at the kind of man he is!!!) and you put me in an all-boys  school, with all the nasty words, and uninvolved thoughts, you screwed me up.

How could I trust you, if you kept passing judgment on me, and it wasn’t even like if you knew I was ameinian, you only thought I could become one.... how could I trust you, how could I show you who I really am?

I have absolutely no confidence with you, not at all... I don’t have the kind of confidence to tell you what I think or feel, for some reason I’m ashamed if you see me doing anything spiritual, I don’t want you to take witchcraft from me, that’s why tried to hide it from you. No I can’t go and buy my underwear with you, I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with you, I don’t want to talk anything about sex with you, don’t want to discuss it with you, don’t want to see it with you.

I love you, as a child loves his mother. but I don’t want to love you that way, I also want to love you as a friend, I want you to care for me, I don’t want you to over protect me. I want you to give me some space and stop bothering by such little and insignificant things like my hair and my nails. I want you to really teach me something in life. I want you to stop living for us and start living for yourself; I want you to be clean at stuff... I want you to be open about me and what I can become.

I grew up, I'm not your kid anymore, it’s enough, there's no more baby Jesus, there’s no more birthday parties or reunions, there is not more constant solving problems. it’s not that I hate your family just because, as I told you before, I heard them, I have experimented it, the "only girls do that" judgment, they tried to make my cousins to make me act like them and show me porn.... I know what Sylvia tells his son... “you could end up like Xag..." again like it’s a bad thing.

and after all, now that I’m the disgusting male you wanted me to be, you and my sisters dare to criticize me… of how I speak, how I behave... you wanted me to be a boy, didn’t you? Here I am... a guy a totally different person from what I really am....

(6 days late)

a single streamlined continuity.

[…] In my mind I have created another totally new world, just for myself and my soul mates, A world just like I wanted it to be, where I could live the life I want. In that world, guess what? There is a Xag, and the best part of it is that he is me! Evolved in all ways, he is all the good things I want to be, smart, real cute, happy… But now here is my confession, he is a kid, or teen, and will only live for a couple of years, between the ages of 10 and 25.

That is exactly what I think off when I leave off this world in my mind, stories, characters, scenes, even dialogues start popping in my mind and how cool will be them to be real. I spend hours and hours thinking on how all can make it a single streamlined continuity. […]

(2 days late)

Español

Goodbye my friend, goodbye

Goodbye my friend, goodbye

Farewell, my good friend, farewell.
In my heart, forever, you’ll stay.
May the fated parting foretell
That again we’ll meet up someday.
Let no words, no handshakes ensue,
No saddened brows in remorse, –
To die, in this life, is not new,
And living’s no newer, of course.

Sergei Yesenin, aged 30, committed suicide by hanging himself in his hotel room. His last poem, was mailed to a friend the day before, and according to him, was finished using his own blood as he had ran out of ink.

Mortal silence

[…]  At about 2:45 am I heard a shotgun. It was like nine, the street in mortal silence. After I got to sleep again I dreamed, I met Cloud 9 again, she was a cute girl form school, I really liked her but I never told her. There I took her hand and told her "If the world would end up tomorrow, I must tell you that I love you, but I wasn't able to tell you before" we hugged for a long time.  […]

(2 days late)