Either leave him... or change myself...

Either leave him... or change myself...

I had never, ever, stayed with someone outside till 1am talking... and we talked... my biggest fear is that… we are going to say everything that there’s to say to soon... and we will eventually run out of things to say...

I know he needs someone better than me, he won’t admit it, I just wish I could do something for him... but he is like... so grounded, smart... , and I don’t feel like I’m really giving him anything... he doesn’t need anything I have...

"If someone doesn’t love you at your worse... they don’t deserve you at your best"...

But what if he doesn’t like me at my best? 

You would think

You would think that I would write pages and pages about my date with the prince... I could, there’s so much to say, so many stupid details that acquire such a big importance, so many amazing realities that I swear make my heart jump.... so many little truths and so many big ideas.... however I just want to tell all of this to him and just to him. I just can’t get over the fact that he is... real.

(1 day late)

Right now...

Right now... I have to calm down... my heart is beating... I got my first date with the prince tomorrow ;)

The ugliest part of me

The ugliest part of me

I lied.... and kept things... horrible things that need now to be told...

People asked me how I knew if it was a crush and not love... well here I’ll confess:

I liked his pain, enjoyed his suffering, his pathetic ways, his tears, his over the top compliments, his words of self-hate.

You're the perfect balance of negative and positive, even if you're negative almost all the time.

Everyone has some fetish... mine can get a bit sick... I just need someone I can act all this out... and then go back to really loving...

...bisexual, boy lover, ugly, shy, polyamorist, sadomasochist, fetishist, idealist, romantic, androgyny obsessed, emotionally slutty...

Plainly impossible to love…

Sail Away

I had written this title for an entry long ago... and never knew what I would write in it... I had daydreamed it would be the entry where I announced triumphantly that I will be finally is going out of the country...

But no...The prince is the one that sails away in his happy boat... while I left to drown... we won’t talk again... ever... I know that... I feel it... it wouldn’t be so painful otherwise.

I ruined of course another chance for companionship, for friendship... maybe even love... and god he was so near... he is actually the brother of a girl I have class with!!! I could have actually bumped into him any day on my way to class...

there was a clause to our goodbye.... that after all of these cosmic coincidences... another one showed up... we would talk again... now the chances of another cosmic coincidence showing up, are one in a trillion...

God doesn’t love all creatures... God doesn’t really care...

People are under the delusion that misery comes out of confusion, of being alone in the dark and not knowing where to go... that’s not misery at all... misery come from seeing it all.. And not being able to change course... misery comes from determination...

I am miserable because I reached a point where I know I’m going to fall. It’s there in complete plain sight and I stumble down... I’m numb... I’m stupid... smart people never feel stupid... I feel so stupid... so stupid...

I’m doomed to stay alone in the muddy road... I’m destined, to stay alone drowning in the middle of the lake... I’m condemned to stay in the hole in the dirt... and never get out...

I am definitely standing still, while the world passes by... 

Today I broke a little more...

I’m nauseous... Sleepy... And have knot in my throat... I feel a panic attack coming…

We are all supposed to be loved equally, treated equally, all as your beloved children... all, except the freaks... all except... me.

I lack of true friendship or company... not having anyone to... trust... rely one... to open up to... not having anyone to have fun with... to watch a movie, to yell when things go wrong, to cry on, to walk with, to share an inside joke with... that is not simply chose... it’s just the result of various and complex... situations

I don’t have friends... I can’t trust anyone... I think I did... at least with people online, but there’s always some kind of parallel communication with this blog... I really only truly open up here

The sad and utter realization of complete loneliness... the knowledge that I will never find really anyone... That will share my believes, dreamas, or hopes.., challenge them, accept them, and be part of them...

Who would want a fat ass, ugly, depressive, bisexual, polyamorist, liar...?

God... I don’t even know why I call myself those things... I say I’m bisexual... When I’m still a virgin... I say I’m a polyamorist when I’ve never found a single meaningful relationship...

No one chooses to be bored... things get boring... boredom falls upon... clouds the mind... I experience boredom on a daily basis... its stresses the hell out of me... that’s why I do websites for free... why I keep sickening relationships with people on line, why I spent 4 hour designing my space profile... why I’m updating this journal twice a day...

If I should define my talent... I would have to say... its product of utter boredom... and the pain it brings.

And finally hopelessness:

Complete or partial...

It might seem like a state of freedom, not being slave to our desires...

you... never hope for hopelessness... because you are keeping hope alive in that hope... you end up hopeless... by systematically lying to yourself, blindly believing that everything will get better, that you are going to evolve, that the person you love will come save you.... you make leap of faith in god magic, in beauty.... you hold on to this thoughts... and then... Bam!!... and you see that all you’ve been dreaming for, suffering for, yearning for... is not there... and never will be... and the pain so strong, the only sane way to move on, is to break down... give up... and die inside.

If I don’t need reasons to be happy... then why do I have reasons to be sad?

Jump, Up and Away

The dream started with me being superman (I know how it sounds... but I don’t expect you to understand)...and I saved the day, I flew, kicked some ass and used heat vision to go through glass doors (I know... lame... but I love using heat vision in my dreams)

Then, of course the damsel in distress... gave me a post it so we would meet at night for a date... if you have ever read superman, then you knows he wouldn’t have accepted; he belongs to Lois. However, on the moment the date I came I was no longer superman, I was... well me... with superpowers but me... I did go to the date... I met with the girl, and I got her to fly...

I have dreamt about flying before, it’s always amazing, incredibly realistic, the feeling, the wind, the sightings... everything... it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen... there’s a vertigo that is so fulfilling. You jump.... but you don’t fall... you just fly...

As I flew with her, she asked me how far up I could go... I went up and up with her on my arms... and the vertigo increased and increased... I was very high (I had never flew that high)...till she told me to stop. Then I asked... do you want to fall?

I never knew her answer I woke up…

 

(1 day late)

Right now... I just feel like making lists.

Right now... I just feel like making lists... lists about things I have to do... things that I want... things that I need...

For example....

I need courage to change my life

I need hope to stay alive

I need to buy a lot of antidepressants so I can commit suicide

I need to lose weight

I need to find someone to exercise with

I need someone to help me do... YouTube vids.... or at least someone who will lend their shower to record that stupid vid

I need wisdom to handle my relationships better

I need knowledge to pass my school tests

I need to find a way of getting out of this country... out of my home...

I need someone who would give me wedgies everyday

I need a lot of underwear for the mentioned above...

I need god to let roaches become extinct... they are disgusting

I need... I need a car... or learn how to drive... or someone to drive me around... or someone to teach me how to...

Most of all... I need my dreams... I miss them...

I have to... ask the prince about his life... I don’t want to question him... I hate interrogatories...

I have to stop thinking about my past

I have to do the literature essay

I have to study for Virtual Communications test

I have to organize my priorities

I have to re-design my site

I have to stop writing such a depressive journal

I have to read all of my economy copies and the damn book

I have to stop being so careless and unorganized

I have to learn how to use flash properly

I have to stop thinking how I could have made my past better

I have to stop daydreaming about being younger

I have to remember to be thankful for my crappy life

I have to be a better person than I am...

I want... not to want anything... but just be happy... and enjoy my shortcomings and my virtues...

Why do we fall?

Why do we fall?   I think we fell together... in the woods, at night, completely lost and bare feet... we were walking and we stumbled into each other, tired from walking, from pain... and we fell.... we fell down. And I think we didn’t let each other get up and move on... we just sat there in the muddy road and stared at each other, examined each other... we saw likenesses and differences. 

Sometimes we saw something we liked, sometimes we didn’t...   I just think we were just so excited to have found someone as lost in the woods as we were, we couldn’t help but to talk... hope.... however it became clear, what I suspected from the beginning... after all we are going different ways... you are going forward, I’m going backwards... you are so hopeful about yourself... you have to stand up... and carry on... I would have loved to give you hand and help you get up... but I can’t... I just can’t... can you blame me for trying to urge you to move on without me when I know you’ll find the way?  

I for myself will probably stay sitting on the floor a little longer, I don’t really feel like standing up at all, and wave you good bye as you disappear inside in the fog and the trees...   Finally... relax, take good breath and sleep...

(2 day late)

Self Sabotage

Aw my mom being the good mom she is gave me a cute present… the book I called: "Self Sabotage a guide on how to detect it and what to do to stop it." I love her... she just knows how to make sure there won’t be a dull moment the time I get to see a therapist.

(4 days late)

Crushes are to feel crushed... I can handle crushes; my entire life, has been a series of crushes, not only with people, but with dreams, with stories... and most of all on me...

It is my latest discovery: I had a crush on myself. I think maybe I still do... I had a crush on who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be, how I wanted to be... and I had been longing for that person to come along.. so I could be happy...

But its never going to, because its a crush on someone that well... can’t be... and for number of reasons. One he isn’t as smart as he had to be, he isn’t living where he was supposed to.. And well he will never look as I hoped he would...

I’m clinging again to the idea that all this... my life.. is just a  mere case of clinical depression.... a case that just has gone by unnoticed... I need to make it noticeable... but how?.. it’s a rhetorical question.... suicide...

Josh wrote this to me:

I want you to know that...

Even though it was possible for you to never talk to me again...because you'd be gone...my life...continued normally.

The world didn't end. I was ok...and when I was with my dad...I forgot all about you...

You know, I missed talking to you.

But at the same time, I don't even care...

Sorry if this sounds harsh but like...

Part of me really does not enjoy talking to you at all...

It's annoying, depressing, and ends up with an argument.

So yes, here comes the crushing part of the crush... with the horrible fact that it will never go anywhere... and that it was never meant to be...

I think all I ever wanted to be... I had to be by the time I was 21...

I said I needed someone that would get me and push me... I need pushing, everything that’s worth been doing in my life I’ve been pushed to do it... so when it comes to studying overseas... well I need someone to push me do it, basically force me to... and force me because I will fight it back, I would fight that person back, even if it’s doing something I really want to do... it’s insane, like if I had no willpower whatsoever... but just otherwise I’m too scared... I’m too terrified... I can’t move on my own otherwise...

(1 day late)

God?

God? will you let me die tonight?

"I've told you before... if you really, truly wanted to die... you’d be already 

Yeah... I know... *sigh*